PorkChopQueen

I'm Back.....

2012-02-01T18:03:00.001-05:00

Sorry to have bailed out on you for awhile. Guess I just hit a wall with all that happened. And when my pup Holden, was mauled and killed by a pit bull, guess it pushed my system into overload.

Just couldn't seem to get things going in the right direction. After John's sudden death, I had to deal with his estate, then I had problems with my chemo port and after 4 months of horrid pain, I finally got the leaking port taken out and a new one put in. At a cost of about $3000+ to me....not to mention pain and suffering. Then there was that nasty tornado in April that nearly took my home and posted almost $50K in damages. And my trees, it took my beautiful trees. Fast forward to hurricane season and hello Hurricane Irene. More damage from water blown in crevices I didn't even know existed. And what trees weren't damaged from the tornado, were pushed around by the hours of pounding rain and wind from Irene. My chemo treatments continued to wreak havoc on my body, but I was managing.

Then Holden was killed. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Can't believe he wasn't bald cause he sure shed a lot of hair.

He was one lucky dog, and we were lucky to have him.

PCQ

Relay For Life

2011-10-08T22:26:00.002-04:00

Greene County's Relay for Life was delayed due to the April tornado that tore through the entire county and left a wide path of destruction. With all the damage, it would have been next to impossible for any reasonable celebration, much less, any attempts to raise money for cancer research when so many were still reeling from the losses they had.

So, it was postponed till October. Little did we know, we would still be recovering from the tornado and more recently, Hurricane Irene.

When I received a call from the editor of the local newspaper asking for an interview, I hesitated. Having served on our local board of education for 17 years, most of that time as chair, I have had my share of media interviews, difficult encounters, and unfortunately, many misquotes, even when the response was in written form. But I couldn't let an opportunity pass that may help others facing difficult times. And the past two years have been difficult times for me. One of my friends recently told me he was surprised I wasn't in a mental institution after all I had been through. Sometimes I think maybe I should be. Anyway, I have persevered and try so hard to keep a smile on my face and remember my many, many, blessings.

Below is the article that was published in the local paper.

Despite obstacles, life is a journey to be enjoyed

October 5, 2011

Standard Laconic Newspaper Margaret Fisher - News Editor
SNOW HILL—It would be bad enough to be diagnosed with cancer, but how would it feel to be undergoing cancer treatments when suddenly your spouse is diagnosed and dies within a matter of months?

Pat Adams, a vibrant and cheery mother of grown children and chairwoman of the Greene County Board of Education, remains positive and upbeat despite having gone through just such an ordeal and she continues to do so.

Her great-grandmother had colon cancer, which can be inherited. In 2004, Adams' doctor found a small growth during a colonoscopy and removed it.

She continued to have annual checkups and everything seemed fine, but in 2009, things changed one morning.

"I woke up and had a horrible pain in my leg and it's like, you know something is terribly wrong," she said, explaining the pain down her back and leg.

It went away, Adams said, so she went to work. The next night, it came back.

Her doctor sent her to a specialist who said she had an intestinal infection, but she continued to have pain. Eventually, she got an MRI where her doctor could see she had a growth on her tailbone that was pressing against her sciatic nerve - something the doctor had never heard of.

"Everybody said this just shouldn't be happening. It was just in a bad, bad place," she said. "Of course, you're horrified by all this because you don't know what's going on."

The tumor was made up of colon cancer cells. The pain was so bad, Adams began a series of 30 radiation treatments five days a week to reduce the tumor and pain. The risk of paralysis was great because of the tumor's position.

The treatment center was frightening because of seeing so many people, including young adults, in such a bad state and because of the equipment and being strapped intightly so she couldn't move, Adams said.

While the pain lessened, there were side effects. She lost a third of her thick blonde hair.

"(The laser) destroys a lot of good tissue, too. It passes through the intestines and the bladder," she said.

The burns hurt and she couldn't get comfortable. Eventually, she began to feel a little better. At some point during treatments, she started on chemotherapy pill all the while being subjected to a barrage of tests.

A team of doctors were deciding what they should do. One idea was to cut off the tip of her tailbone and remove the growth, but that waslater rejected.

"The doctor said, 'I can't guarantee to get all the growth and you could be paralyzed. The risk is too high,'" she said.

In March 2010, Adams went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., for a second opinion. The doctor said removing the tumor would be like tearing up the foundation of a house to get one potato underneath it.

In April, she was taking chemotherapy intravenously. They had put a port in the left side of her chest to administer the chemo. The effects were terrible.

"It was an absolutely horrible drug to take. I couldn't take any cold. I had to put gloves on to get something out fo the refrigerator," she said, likening the cold to getting an electric shock.

The tumor was growing to the size of an orange, so they switched to another drug.

All the while, Adams kept having pain in her arm and shoulder and thought she had pulled a muscle so she began therapeutic massages and accupuncture. The pain worsened to her jaw and ear, she suspected the port, but the doctor said the port was fine. When she threatened to pull the port out, the doctor removed it.

"When I woke up from surgery, I knew it didn't hurt. My arm was fine," she said. The doctor told her she was right - there was a pinhole leak in the port. They put another port in on the other side, which has caused no trouble, she said.

But chemo was taking a toll. Her fingernails thinned, she was having nosebleeds and she got a terrible case of thrush, or yeast infection, in her mouth and esophagus.

She deals with the side effects of high blood pressure and neurological problems in her hands and feet, and can't have any more radiation because of the tissue damage.

"Just when you think you've had all you can have, another problem pops up," she said.

Meanwhile, in June of 2010, her husband, John, who had been lovingly taking care of her, was diagnosed with lung cancer. He hadn't smoked in years. When a lymph node swelled up, the doctor thought he had an infection. A few weeks later, a tumor was discovered in the passageway to his lung and it couldn't be removed. Pat was now taking care of him. In November 2010, he died. He was talking and on no pain medication, Adams said.

"It was probably the hardest time in my life. John was such a strong and vivacious person. I'm just glad that things went as quickly as it did with him," she said, as she broke out in tears. "I think the trauma of my illness possibly caused him to be sick. Stress - we really underestimate what stress does to the body."

Her husband's sickness began about the time things were really getting difficult for her.

Today, she continues unending chemotherapy every two weeks. Her tumor is dead on the outside, (damaged by the radiation) but still active in the center," she said.

"The chemo cocktail is working right now. It's keeping the tumor controlled, but the cancer won't go away," she said.

She is hopeful, that a doctor at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, Md., might be able to help.

As she relaxes in her living room against the backdrop of huge plate glass windows displaying a picturesque view, Adams said she is happy to look at nature, the sky, and to have good friends and family. "I thinkI have always looked at life as not a destination, but a journey. I enjoy every day," she said. "It just makes you more appreciative of all these things(to look at)."

Along with everything else, her house was damaged in the April tornado and her dog died. And she very much dislikes listening to complainers.

"You start looking at all these (bad) things, but I still feel very blessed because I have my faith, family, and friends," she said. "As strange as it sounds, I'm still a very happy person."

Adams has set up the John Quincy Adams V Agricultural Scholarship to begin next year for a Greene Central High School student. It's hope for the future.

"Somebody asked me, 'How long do you have?'" she said, "I wanted to say, 'how long does anyone have?'"

End of article....but not the end!

PCQ

Before and After

2011-08-20T17:53:00.005-04:00

Before....

After.....

Before....

After.....

Lot of work has been done and still much that needs to be completed. I think I have reached a plateau where things are manageable and I have hit the pause button. Maybe I'll get it all done eventually.

PCQ

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

2011-08-06T17:19:00.004-04:00

Wednesday was John's birthday. Seems as though it was only yesterday that we celebrated last year. Who could have imagined it would be his last.? So much has happened since then, but I will have to say, it was a joyous night. Meredith was able to sneak home for a few days and we gathered up a few friends for a party.

Lauren had mailed a package of goodies for her dad's birthday from Paris. She was there for the summer. John and I were planning/hoping to join her, but medical issues interrupted that dream.

Me, Meredith, and John, after his wonderful birthday dinner. He was so happy that night.

Meredith and John

John's birthday dinner.

As I look as these photos, one thing jumps out at me, John was happy. Look at that smile.

And that makes me happy now.

PCQ

Beach

2011-07-25T21:33:00.003-04:00

You know when I don't post, I'm either busy or sick. Thankfully, most of it has been "busy having fun"!

Went to my annual two week beach trip with friends and family. This was our 33rd year together in the same place at Atlantic Beach. Hard to believe it has been that long. But it has. Our children are all grown now and all of them working and embracing jobs they enjoy.....and with benefits. Who would have thought that would mean so much?

But, back to the beach, did I say I had fun? Well, I did. But how can you not have fun when you are surrounded by people you love and who love you?

Beach 2011

This was our group photo....and yes, all those wonderful people were housed in the cottage you see behind us. (Well, a few of them stayed across the street.) We do play well together. That's me on the right with the Segway. The Club Colony July 4th Parade had just marched past and I was decorated and ready. From the local talk, it is my understanding I was the first Segway entry in the parade.....ever. I'll take that. Love breaking new barriers.

I'll post more about the beach. Just wanted to let everyone know I am okay. Hot...but okay.

Wagon still rolling.

PCQ

Strong Presence

2011-07-12T14:21:00.001-04:00

I was reading a story recently about a family that was struggling with the death of their son. "He had a 'strong presence' and it feels like he is still here with us," the father said.

The words resonated in my soul. That's how I feel about John....he had a very 'strong presence' then and now, and though I know he is gone, I feel him in everything I do and everywhere I go. Sometimes it even feels like a dream. I'm going to wake up and everything will be be all normal again. Not sure how long this lasts. I know there are stages for grief and everyone progresses through those stages at their own pace. We are all different but sometimes so much alike.

I like to smile, it hides the pain. And I read that smiling tricks your body into "thinking" you are happy, just by using those muscles. I do know it makes other people feel better and that in turn helps me. So, I'll keep smiling and hope it is true. But that "strong presence" may never go away. And I don't know if I want it to.

PCQ

Remission - What does that mean exactly?

2011-06-26T20:48:00.002-04:00

My daughter, Lauren, was with me when I was given the results from my last CT scans. As I have told you before, it is difficult not to dwell on the "what ifs" as you wait for results that may abruptly alter your life even more than it already has been. But, when Dr. White came in smiling, we knew it must be good. "There's no new growth, everything is the same," she said.

With that, I exhaled. She went on about my blood numbers, what we needed to do next and then in one of her statements mentioned, remission. We talked about other options. Lauren questioned her about the possible damage from the leaking port that had been removed in April. "Obviously, not a good thing to happen," she said, "but, the treatment you are on can be absorbed by the tissue without major damage." Somehow, that was not as comforting as I would have liked.

But on to other concerns. She said, "Remission!" Remission is a term that doctors frequently use and it refers to the response of the cancer to the therapy. A complete remission means that the cancer has completely disappeared with the treatment. I do not have complete remission and remission does not mean a patient is cured. So...I am hesitant to even say that word cause I am still having chemo, and enduring all the side effects that come along with it. Just means the cancer hasn't changed in the past few months and that is a very good thing. Last year this time, the treatments were not working and I didn't know if I would see the beach this summer. But I am still here!

Anyway, I am having a PET scan this week at the PCMH. Not sure what day yet, seems it takes a while to get it cleared with insurance. This test will tell us how much of my tumor is scar tissue and how much is "active". I may be a candidate for a procedure at the Mayo Clinic in Florida, but we have a few tests we must do first. I'll keep you posted.

But most important, it's summer. Please enjoy every minute if only for ME! When you look out your back door, really look at the birds, the lightning bugs, the sky, the leaves on the trees. Don't sleep walk through life cause take it from me.....it's not the destination it is the journey.

PCQ

2011 Big Rock Tournament

2011-06-21T16:09:00.006-04:00

Dance like no one is watching. And if you can't dance, do something to push yourself to live everyday and have fun. Go fishing...or if you can't fish, cut bait. And if you can't fish or cut bait, watch other people do it.

Been trying to do that. My friend, Joanie, called me last week and said, "Come down to the beach and stay with me for the Big Rock Tournament". She didn't have to ask twice. She was staying in a great cottage just off the beach. Just so happens that it is owned by one of John's business friends. They don't rent it out much, but knew John's friends would be good folks to have. And we sure tried to be.

But back to the tournament, it was fun. Three marlin were brought in Monday, the first fishing day, and Joan was there for them all. Loved seeing the excitement in her eyes!

John and I usually try to get down to the tournament every year. He has actually fished in the tournament in the past. Last year, we took the RV to spend the night. But this year wasn't easy. Every place John and I stood last year, everything we did, was in my mind as Joan and I walked about. They are good memories though. We got to see a few of the big ones brought in, but we weren't there for the biggest controversy probably to ever hit the tournament. The biggest fish caught last year was eventually DQ!

The controversy surrounding the 2010 Big Rock Blue Marlin Tournament’s top prize really got everyone stirred up and the media coverage went crazy. Tournament officials stopped the awards presentation due to a rules violation by the Boat “Citation”. That crew actually caught a record-breaking 883-pound Blue Marlin and was set to receive the top prize of more than $900 K. Enough money to get your attention. But due to a rules violation, one of the crew didn't have his fishing license...they never got the check. Rules are rules, and if you're not going to follow them, then you are subject to the penalty....but $900K...man that is a bite! Bet that captain never makes that mistake again.

The unlicensed young man who was part of the Citation crew was from Virginia. My daughter, Meredith, had actually gone fishing the week before with friends on a boat out of Hatteras and he was part of that boat's crew, so she knew him. As it turns out, it is my understanding that you don't have to have a personal license in Virginia, the boat has to be licensed, but the rules are different in North Carolina. First thing you must do is follow the rules!

Back to this year's tourney, we got to see them bring in the winning fish. Of course, we didn't know that then...there was still a week of fishing left. And Joan realized there really is a "big rock" out in the ocean where everyone goes to fish for the big ones, hence the name for the tournament.

So, again this year I got the flavor of the Big Rock. Saw a huge yacht come in to dock at Morehead City, too. Fourth largest privately owned yacht in the world. At least that's what it said when I googled the name, SeaFair, that was on the side. 200+ feet long, $40M+, nice to see how the rich folks live. Boat was on its way to Rhode Island, apparently, it was for floating art and jewelry shows and had a champagne and caviar bar. Well, well, Morehead City was certainly in good company with that fine boat.

Joan and I had a great time together talking, rummaging through second hand stores, and just enjoying the smell of seafood and the beach.

Thanks Joanie....pulling my wagon to the beach was a load of fun.

PCQ

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T21:32:00.005-04:00

It's Father's Day, our first without John. I didn't think it would be so hard.

When I awoke this morning, I was blessed to be with dear friends and.... to be able to look out my bedroom window and see the sun coming up on the Pamlico River. The river has given me and my family many, wonderful and warm memories.

So I guess it was fitting that I was there on the first Father's Day without John. As I looked at the river, it reminded me of all the fun things John did for us and my daddy. Hours and hours of driving the boat, pulling us from one end of the river to the other on all the water toys, sailing, checking nets and crab pots, you name it, John would make it happen.

Our simple place on the river was a refuge for family and friends, providing a backdrop for precious time with my dad, (he loved to set fish nets), our girls with their "Papa Lee", and so much learning for us all. Our girls learned how to ski there, how to tell the difference between a she crab and a male....and whether it had eggs, or was ready to shed and become a summer delicacy as a soft shell crab. We went on shark teeth and lightning bug hunts, could identify the fish we caught, knew where all the osprey nests were and learned the rules of the river.

But as I lay there looking out across the water, my thoughts returned to last year. Meredith came home for Father's Day, to spend time with her daddy and to cook a wonderful dinner for him. And what a grand meal it was.

John's lymph node on his neck was swollen and Dr. Barrow had put him on antibiotics. I remember so well him telling Meredith about it that day. Didn't seem like a big deal at the time. Little did we know what was to come. His lymph node swelled the week after we found out the tests and scans showed my tumor was growing... my chemo treatments were not working.

Coincidence?

PCQ

Paying Forward

2011-06-09T18:57:00.001-04:00

This is a sweet email I received from one of John's on line "girlfriends". She gave me permission to use it on my blog.
Pat,
I read your post on FB where you mentioned NO REGROWTH...sooo happy and relieved for you. I understand the wait involved with these tests. One time my daughter and I decided we just couldn't wait on her dr to call us with her MRI results, so we drove down to the the radiation department in the hospital, picked up a copy of the films AND the radiology report, proceeded to a room that said 'staff only' posted the films (before cd's) on the board with the light and were certain that WE would be able to determine the results. LOL! The wait was just that hard for us. Of course, we couldn't determine a thing and what we DID read from the report scared the bejeezus out of us. Lesson learned.

Like you, my daughter's remaining cancer is in an area that cannot be operated on. They DID operate in the past and removed as much tumor as possible, actually removed her mouth, cheekbones and went straight back to remove as much tumor as possible. 14 hour surgery in NY. Put her back together, but with a lot of neck bone removed and rods put in place. Total of 11 surgeries. Her remaining tumor is near the brain stem. She was given 3-5 years to live, and it has now been NINE years. She has NO clue she was given 3-5 years, she stood up when the doctor talked statistics and said "I am NOT a statistic." When she went for her radiation (specialized radiation called proton beam) at Mass General in Boston, she was lined up with a support group. She said "I'm sorry, I am too busy living my life rather than dwell on my illness." So I did what any good Mom would do, I got her a fake ID, we went out and drank beer and explored Boston. BTW, I met a total stranger on one of those nights out, I was feeling really down and I talked that poor guys ear off. We've been married 5 years now

There have been complications over the last few years. She was in a long term relationship, ended up pregnant, she gave birth, they split up and she and sweet Isabella moved on with their lives....until complications set in. She developed a serious spinal fluid leak at her brain stem (from previous surgeries) and had a 12 hour ride to NY, to her original surgeons. Nothing Duke or TN could do for her. The NY docs saved her life AGAIN and her recovery has been a long road. She has limitations now, cannot ever bend past her heart, I could go on and on...but she is a WONDERFUL Mother and I am so proud of her. She keeps positive, always has a beautiful smile and when she walks in a room, the sun comes up. She and Isabella live with us and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have not done so well. Long story, but for 3 months last year we didn't know if she would make it, and it took it's toll on me. I reached a point where I felt I would never take my own life, but somebody please do it for me. The emotional pain was just so deep. The reason I am telling you this, is that YOU helped get me through this. YOU have no idea of how much you have affected my life, and in such a posiitive way. (I'm crying now) The strength, the dignity, the courage, the grace you have shown through the hell you and John went through and that you are still going through have kept ME going. When I couldn't get out of bed, I thought "what would Pat do?" So I got my ass up and I put one foot in front of another. I'm not saying it's been a piece of cake for you, I KNOW you have been through hell, I read between the lines and know the pain, but you keep on keepin on. I figure with everything you have been through, are going through, I have no right to give up. Damn you...lol.

I wish I could better express how much you and your blog has meant to me. Thank you so much Pat, for being such an inspiration, for making such a difference in my life and for being YOU.
Big Hugs
May 31
Patricia Lee Adams
Oh Sweetie, your missive breaks my heart. But....I am so happy to know you have gained strength from me. Isn't that what God's love does? We are the hands and feet of God.

I too have looked at others and said, "if they can do it, I can too!" And sometimes, I do it because John would be disappointed in me if I gave up!!! He NEVER complained, and I find it so easy sometimes to let it spill out as you said, but try to hold back cause we all have a "wagon" to pull.

So thankful that your daughter has you (you are God's hands) to protect and love her and her precious child. I remember reading your plight some years ago. John certainly cherished your on line friendship and was amazed by the resilience of you both. I know that was unbearable, but she has made life continue. She is remarkable. And Lord knows it is not easy when everyone says the sky is falling! Yes, my scans show no growth, but that in a way is misleading. The tumor will grow at some point. Typically, this type of cancer is slow growing and will out wit the meds. We will then go to the next plan and hope it works. You know how all this works. We just hope our bodies will be able to tolerate the events. '

In my heart, I feel John was devastated by my illness. He loved me so and I will NEVER believe that this 'just happened" at this time. I will always believe the hurt in his heart for me caused his illness or at least pushed it along. I know it is probably crazy, but I was with him, I know what he went through and when the doc told us how long he had this growth, it started at exactly the same time I was getting really bad news. Everyone tells me it couldn't be, but I will always say it did.

Please continue to surround yourself with good friends and love and make sure she does that too. I know your love has certainly kept her going too.

I would like to ask a favor? Can I use your note in my blog? I will erase any names so no one will know who you are...unless they know you already and can put the pieces of the puzzle together. I think your message will give strength to others. OK? Let me know.

My love to you and your family.
Pat
May 31
This is her response to my email:

Pat,
I have someone else in my life who is going through a very hard time, she says I inspire her to keep going, so I guess we are all 'paying it forward.' Amazing how that works.

I can certainly understand your thinking about John's illness. Of course, tobacco was involved but maybe sometimes cancer/illness can be the 'perfect storm' within our bodies. I just hope that you are not beating yourself up as it's not your fault. My Mother had mini strokes shortly after my daughter was diagnosed with cancer and mother passed away in 2009 from a major stroke. Neither you nor I can control these things. I was so run down from this past year and just got over double pnuemonia. I have set new goals with my health, positive goals

Of course you may use whatever you like for your blog. Thank you so much for your email Pat, means a lot.
Take care!

It is amazing the strength we gain from one another. Sort of like wearing life's water wings!
PCQ
4 hours ago

Been Busy

2011-05-20T10:13:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't updated my blog recently, I have been busy with tornado damage. If I don't blog, I am either very busy or sick. Thankfully, I have not been sick....except for the shingles attack... and when I have my chemo treatments. Chemo puts me into "Pause" for several days, and makes me ever so tired. So, getting everything done this past month since the tornado damage on April 16th, has been a challenge. But I have managed.

Sometimes I simply forget all that I am dealing with. And maybe that is a good thing. Had a friend to visit recently, and she talked about my resilience and how it had inspired her. Sure hope all of this inspires someone!

Having chemo every other week sure puts a damper on my life...and living. I can't really plan anything because I don't know how I will feel. The treatment I am on negatively impacts my digestive system from my mouth forward...or downward. When I drink or eat, by throat will lock up. Maybe you have had that happen. I've had it before chemo when I drank carbonated drinks and start to swallow and it will not go down, just kind of hangs in your throat and chest and really hurts. Have you had that before? And just recently, I have started having severe pain and cramps in my tummy. Every time I eat or drink, it causes contractions, very similar to labor pains. Thankfully, they only last 30-40 seconds, but they come in waves. Don't know why that has started, but it has. So far, they have lessened as each day passed and last about a week. So, one week with them and one week without. The chemo nurses told me it was one of the side effects.

I had scans on Monday and will get results when I go for my next treatment on Tuesday. Do you know how that affects your mind? Makes me feel like I am living my life in small increments.

At least the tornado damage has kept me busy and my mind off of some of this.

My wagon has been banged up and full of stuff, but with friends and family, it keeps rolling.

PCQ

Hunting Season

2011-04-27T09:30:00.005-04:00

My party-in-a-box friend, Kay, came to stay with me when I had my port surgery a few weeks back, and I neglected to post about our hunting expedition then. Please excuse me, I was still under the influence of drugs. Here goes...

When we got home from the Surgicenter, we were both really tired, so we turned off the phone and took a nap. Wasn't long before we were awakened by my pups barking. Nick and Holden were standing by my big birch shade tree....and looking up. Couldn't see anything at first, but then, there it was, a critter in the tree.

I could tell it was rather large, too big for a squirrel, so I thought it was a nutria. John always hated to see them around the farm. They burrow holes in the ground and the banks of the ponds. That can be very dangerous. The tunnels can undermine the integrity of the bank and if someone inadvertently steps on or drives across the make shift home, it can cause major troubles. Nutria were accidentally introduced to the US many years ago and have made themselves at home, at the expense of farmers and other native animals.

But, my concern right that moment was getting the dogs inside so there would be no contact between them and whatever this was. They didn't want to leave. There was "something" in the tree and they were all too willing to stand guard and make sure everything was safe. Finally, they reluctantly came in. Once they were safely inside, I had to make a decision, what should I do about the critter? I know what John would have done. He would have walked to the gun closet, picked up his gun, loaded it and walked out on the deck and took aim. I wasn't feeling so confident. Still under the influence of the anesthesia from the surgery, and warned not to drive, make any major decisions, or sign any important documents for the next 24 hours, I did what any "widow woman" would do....I called my neighbor, Rick.

Rick has been ever so helpful since John passed away, always here within five minutes of me calling for help. And today was no different. He was on his way. But, in the meantime, the thought occurred to me in my still drug induced state, this is a photo opportunity, so Kay and I began our plan. Rick was there shortly, but by then, Kay and I had scoured the closets, for our "hunting outfits".

After he stopped laughing at our garb, he took aim and the critter fell from the tree. Please know, I do not like to kill anything, except roaches, ants, rats, mosquitoes, spiders...well maybe a few things, but I am a "live and let live" person. But, this was a threat to my pups and can cause a lot of damage.

The furry carcass didn't move. "Check to see if it's dead, Rick," I yelled from my safe perch up on the deck. He walked over and with the barrel of his gun, turned it over.

I learned that lesson when I was just a little one, just cause it is not moving, doesn't mean it is dead. I picked up what I thought was a dead squirrel once, only to find out it was just stunned. The squirrel woke up and thought my arm was a tree limb and I was marked for life, but it was a lesson well learned. Make sure it is dead.

"It's a ground hog," Rick said. "Oh no, I thought it was a nutria. It's not against the law or protected is it?" I said. "Oh no, they are pests too. I just tore the axle out of my trailer after I ran over one of their burrows," he said. I felt better after that, but I still felt sad looking at the dead wood chuck on the ground.

But that didn't last too long. Kay and I had a photo op and we weren't going to let it pass. So, this is what we did.

Two wild women with a gun...actually, it is a BB gun. But we still had fun. Sent out an email to some of my buddies and told them we came home from surgery and it was such a beautiful day, we decided to go hunting. Bagged a "hog".

But that is not the end of the hunting story. The next day, we went to get lunch at Pie's, a local eatery that serves the very best BBQ in the world. Please note that I am a NC certified BBQ judge and have judged more BBQ than you want to know! So that mention is backed by taste buds well honed by years of tasting fine pork.

As we drive up at Pie's, there is a truck with a huge wild turkey on the tailgate with a handsome young fellow proudly holding on to it. Turkey season opens for youth this time of year and this young man had a beauty. But couldn't let this photo opportunity pass.

When we got back home, I sent out another email, "Feeling better today, but busy. Went hunting again, but only had time to bag one gobbler."

Still makes me smile. Hope it makes smiles for all of you, too.

PCQ

Shingles and Shingles

2011-04-25T20:15:00.005-04:00

Looks like I will get all new shingles on my house, over 50% damage, he said. The adjuster was ever so nice. He had come all the way from Florida to help with the tornado damage assessments. Just glad I have that checked off my list of things to be done. I made a list of all I knew had been damaged, but he noticed more.

Needless to say, my life has been stressful. Thankfully, I do always feel like I am in control, even though I may not like what I am controlling.

I'd been itching too, so I thought I had red bugs or poison ivy/oak. I had pulled a few weeds, planted flowers and raked some in the yard a few days before it started. It began with just a patch, but that didn't last long. Soon, it spread and was driving me nuts. Not only did it itch, it ached and hurt! But by then, I was away from home and no matter what I put on it, there was no relief. When I got back home, still scratching and moaning, there was tornado damage to deal with. So, it was Wednesday before I could get an appointment with the doctor. I had done my research on line by then and been scratching for well over a week.

When the doctor walked in, he greeted me, and asked how I was doing. "I'm doing well considering," I said. "I'm pretty sure I know what I have, but wanted to see if you agreed." He opened my gown and looked at the red rash on my back, closed it quickly and said, "I know what it is, what do you think it is?" "Shingles," I responded. "You are right, and a good case of it, I might add," he said as he sat down and started pounding on the keyboard by his computer.

"We're just in a little of a pickle, though, you're past the point I can give you anything to stop it, but we may be able to dry it up a bit. But no guarantee...and your chemo limits what can be done too. How bad is the pain?" "Bad enough, but I've tolerated it this far," I said. "Been using the numbing cream I use for my port and the pain medicine I already have. It helps but there are two things, first the itching and then the pain in the muscles around it, they are different."

(This is the way it looked in the beginning, so you can understand why I thought it was poison or red bugs. It eventually wrapped almost all the way around. Guess the bruising is from the incessant scratching and rubbing on the door jamb like a pig. And yes, I had tried to get the vaccine last fall when I got my flu and pneumonia shot but chemo patients cannot get it due to the fact it is a live virus vaccine.)

He reached in a drawer and pulled out his visual aid, a small simulated section of backbone, to help explain what was going on. "Shingles is a viral infection of the nerve roots in your spine. When you had chicken pox when you were a child, the virus didn't go away, it just went to sleep on these nerve endings. In some people, it wakes up and presents itself as shingles. We're not sure why it affects some people and not others, but there are certain factors that can influence it," he said. He held up the small section of backbone, and wiggled the little nerve endings that protruded out from the vertebrae. "Shingles causes pain and often causes a rash on one side of the body. The rash appears in a band, a strip, or a small area. Shingles is most common in older adults and people who have weak immune systems because of stress, injury, certain medicines, or other reasons. Of course, you fit into all of those categories. Most people who get shingles will get better and 92% will not get it again. But, with the luck you have been having, you may be in the other 8%!"

Nice, I thought.

We chatted for a few more minutes and he was ready to leave, but he paused and said, "I sure miss John. He was one of my favorite patients. I always enjoyed seeing him come in." The tears started welling up in my eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you, I know it is hard, but I just couldn't leave without saying that. Please know, even if I don't say anything, I miss him too." He closed the door and I sat there and cried.

PCQ

What a Week!

2011-04-23T13:08:00.004-04:00

I had to hit the ground running when I got back. Toto, we're not in Kansas any more. Thankfully, by the time I got home the electricity came on and of course, that made life better. Friends tried to get me to stay with them, but how can you do that when you want to be home. Scuffed up and damaged, home is still the place that gives comfort. Guess that is why it hurts my heart so much to see all the destruction around me. So many homes and lives transformed by those few minutes last Saturday.

This past week has gone by so fast. Jumping from one task to another, trying to manage all the help and offers has been a challenge, especially when I am limited in what I can do.

So many people calling, stopping by, all worried about me and my home. Many of them found it amusing that I was ever so happy. "She's tickled to death," one of them said as he spoke with his wife by phone. And I am, can't believe my house is still here. It has every right to be gone, but it isn't. John always said he put enough nails in this house, if it went, then we would have more issues to worry about than this house. He was right. And when people come by to assess damage, one of the statements they make is, "John built you a good house." Yes he did. It's scuffed up pretty bad, but we're still standing.

PCQ

Tornado Photos

2011-04-21T17:32:00.001-04:00

Broken glass, damaged chairs...still looking for some of my things. You can see little bloody paw prints on the steps. Holden cut his foot.

My beautiful shade tree, gone.

Classroom in the middle school.

Back of my house....I still have a house. Many are not so fortunate.

Lunchroom at the middle school. Congressman Butterfield came to see for himself.

Ceiling in the middle school.

View out my kitchen window....ugghh, just had all of my windows washed one week before the storm! But I still have windows. None of them were broken.

What's left of the round pen where the horses are trained. My house is in the background.

View out my back door.

Greene Central High School students try to put the pieces back together. We sustained over $100K in damage there.

PCQ

Tornado

2011-04-21T16:55:00.002-04:00

You can see from the photos in the previous post, we had a wonderful time in the Bahamas. But, Saturday, we saw the news and realized there was bad weather back home.

Before I left, I had secured the chairs and other objects that may be blown around by the wind, little did I know what was to come. Eastern NC was being pounded by storms, so much so, it was making the news on CNN and the Weather Channel. Having lived in NC all of my life, I know the dangers associated with these storms. There is really nothing you can do but watch the skies and be ready.

Of course I was worried, the news was focusing on our area of NC. There had already been a tornado in Sanford and the Lowes Home Improvement store was destroyed, but hopefully, the worst of it was over. So, we went to dinner and had a lovely time.

After dinner, my daughter, Meredith received a text alerting us there was trouble near Snow Hill. Phone service had been really difficult for us and very expensive, so most were not using our phones. But maybe I did need to check on things so I went to my room. The television was still on the Weather Channel and I saw the devastation. It was too close so I sent a text to a neighbor, "Just saw there were tornadoes in Snow Hill, are you okay? Is my house okay?" She replied immediately, "You need to call Tommy, he's been trying to reach you." As soon as I read that, my heart began to pound. Tommy helps me with our farm and has been wonderful to me since John passed away. He looks after my pups when I am away or not feeling well and is always checking things for me. "What's wrong...is my house okay?" I typed. "You need to call Tommy! Can I call you now?"

As soon as I saw that, tears welled up in my eyes. I knew it wasn't good, but how bad was it? The Weather Channel was then showing photos of the Greene County Middle School....it was destroyed, buses were moved, and I could see the path of the tornado, headed right toward my house which is separated by a stand of trees but right behind the middle school.

The phone rang. "Is my house okay?" "There's been some damage to the roof and there are lots of trees down," she said. "You need to call Tommy, he checked on it but there are so many trees down, I'm not sure what was damaged."

It was getting late but I had to know what was going on so I started making more calls. Lots of people had tried to check on me, but they couldn't get to my house. Too many buildings or trees in the road. Finally, I got through to our superintendent of schools, yes, it was true, the school was destroyed. He had tried to check on my house too, but couldn't get through. "Your house is still there, I could see it, but couldn't get through because of all the debris. I did call Rick, your neighbor and he said the same thing. House is still there but a lot of trees down. Think there is damage to the roof, but we can see the house." By then I was in tears. What was I going to do, I needed to be home. What about my pups, the horses, my chickens? He promised me he would get there some how in the morning to check for me so we hung up. As you can imagine, all sorts of thoughts were going through my head and most of them were not good. I went downstairs to share the news.

By early morning, calls were coming in with news. My house was still there, no electricity, trees down, roof scuffed up pretty bad, but it was still there. Friends had already come in to clear the way to the house. My pups were okay. Not much I could do but stay on schedule to get home that day and start work.

Amazing how the pendulum of life can swing so quickly. One minute you can be on top of the world, the next...... My wagon load was getting ready to be real full.

PCQ

Trip

2011-04-21T16:15:00.002-04:00

After John passed away, it was my hope that my girls and I could go on a trip together. Didn't really matter where, just get away and enjoy life.

Somewhere warm and sunny would be nice, but anywhere as long as we could be together as a family. And that plan did come together. A friend of a friend was going to the Bahamas and I thought it would be great to be somewhere there were people I know. John was my rock so I never worried about what I would do if something went wrong. But he is gone and now I must depend on my own strength. Still, with all the obstacles I have in my life, I wanted to have assurance that if something happened, there would be people that could help. And it worked out better than I could have ever imagined.

We went to the Atlantis in the Bahamas, a plethora of fun, sun, and food, where we were, thanks to the generosity of fine friends, treated like royalty. There is no way I can ever thank everyone for the thoughtfulness and love given to me and my family. Maybe the smiles will show it all.

Lauren and Jake

Lauren, dancer, me, and Meredith

Meredith, Lauren, Lee, and Mary

Meredith, me, Lauren and Jake

Sunset at the One and Only Ocean Club

If you like pina coladas.....a toast at sunset.

Dinner at the Bahamian in Atlantis.

View from my room at the Atlantis Imperial Towers!

Hope you can see from the photos, a great time was had by all. I must say, it is so much easier to pull your wagon when you start the day with a massage, have a cabana boy to serve you on the beach, and are surrounded by family and wonderful friends in a place that can only be described as magical!

PCQ

Shoulder Pain - Continued

2011-04-13T14:20:00.004-04:00

There were so many things that had to be done before surgery. With constant pain, it makes it easy to put them off, but some had to be dealt with, like taxes, farm maintenance, etc. They couldn't wait and I didn't know how long it would be before I was back to at least "chemo normal".

My "party in a box" friend, Kay, had offered to come stay with me and I was so looking forward to having her here. She arrived the day before surgery. On her way in, she stopped and picked up our friend, Harold, Mayor of N. Walstonburg, and we all went out for my last meal before surgery. It was wonderful to spend time together and have a great meal at Ribeyes in Snow Hill. After dinner, Kay and I took Harold home, then back to get everything in place for the next day.

I was scheduled to be at the Surgicenter at 6:15 Friday morning. We were there with time to spare, but it was April Fools Day...so I wore one of my fun hats as we walked into the building. It was still dark outside when we arrived, but through the windows of the building, people already inside could see us coming. As they noticed my hat, they poked the person next to them and pointed. They were all smiling and that was what I wanted.

After signing in, agreeing to let them do whatever they wanted to do to me, and giving them some money, we were issued a buzzer and we had a seat. Paula, Joan, and Annie would join Kay in the "fun" and that made all of this procedure much more festive and tolerable.

Soon, the nurse came out to get me. The minute she saw my hat, she smiled too. It was hard. Again, I was in one of the rooms John was in for one of his many procedures. The flashback to that day, the concern I had for him. I started crying and my nurse scurried over to see what was wrong. She thought I was afraid because of the surgery. But that wasn't why I was crying. I told her about John and she leaned over, hugged me, and said, "Oh darling, I am so sorry."

Before long, I was undressed, gown on, IV in, had talked with the anesthesiologist, and was ready for surgery. Paula and Kay came back to be with me and the surgeon came in to talk. My surgeon is tall, handsome, very articulate and best of all, wears cowboy boots. He went over what we were getting ready to do, but in the process, he really emphasized his concerns. "I want you all to know we are taking out a perfectly good operating port that may or may not be causing pain, to put in another perfectly good operating port. I want to make sure we are all on the same page...do you understand?" He continued to go over this same subject with them. It wasn't new to me, he had given me the same spiel when I went in to request the surgery, but I learned later, it really upset Kay and Paula.

I was whisked away to the operating room and the last thing I remember was telling the nurse I was cold and they put warm blankets on me and a mask over my face and told to breathe deep. I hate to say it, but after all the pain I had endured, I embraced the chance for deep sleep and hopefully closure for all of this.

Next thing I remember, the nurse was with me in my room asking me to wake up. As soon as I woke up, I knew my shoulder was better. I know that sounds crazy, I was still under the effects of the anesthesia, but I knew! A few minutes later, the surgeon stuck his head in and said, "You were right, it was leaking!"

Below is a photo taken by my friend Annie, as I was leaving. Remember it was April Fools Day, so I put my hat on and my bubba teeth in. As I was being rolled out, I said, "Be careful if you go back there, I was fine when I came in!"

Soon we were home resting. And all was well! What a relief.

PCQ

Shoulder Pain

2011-04-12T19:34:00.001-04:00

A few posts back, I told you I have been having shoulder problems since shortly after John died and it seemed as though my life was spiraling down and out of control. I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything without constant pain.

I had been to an orthopedist, had a CT scan, MRI, X-Rays, and my chemo port line checked at the hospital to see if it was leaking or out of place. Nothing....all results indicated everything was fine. But I wasn't fine and I was getting worse, more pain. Any of you who have ever had constant pain know you will do anything to get it to stop. But nothing was working for me. The pain medication I take for my cancer wasn't even touching it. Yes, it would dull it a little, but the pain was still there. And strong enough that I didn't want to be around anyone.

After John passed away, my chemo treatments were adjusted to every 3 weeks. That was about the same time I started having the pain. The ortho doc had told me I had symptoms of rotary cuff problems. Could be, and I thought as I felt better I would do more and then pull my shoulder and hurt it again.

As my situation progressed, I began to keep a log. The intense pain still seemed to be erratic but after my chemo schedule was changed back to every two weeks, a pattern emerged. The weekend following my chemo treatment I would get sick and the shoulder pain would intensify. I could feel the port line under my skin and there was one spot that was especially tender. I gradually came to the conclusion, it had to be my port.

I made an appointment with the surgeon that placed the port last March. He looked at all the tests, checked the port, and told me he could replace the port at my request, but he could not guarantee it would stop the pain. I understood that, but the pain was so debilitating I had to do something and I was sure it was the port. We set a date for surgery, Friday, 7:15 a.m., April 1st, (April Fool's Day), and I started getting my ducks in a row. John was my rock and constant support. I never worried about being taken care of....but he was gone. I had to get another plan in place now.

Once everyone was aware of the surgery date....things just fell in place. As a matter of a fact, so many friends offered to help and be with me for surgery, I thought we were going to need crowd control. They started planning a party in the waiting room and all I could do was enjoy the love I was feeling.

But, even with all of that, I had major issues to think over. What if the port wasn't what was causing the pain? I had gone over everything...over and over and come to the conclusion, if it isn't the port, then what could it be? Maybe the heartbreak of losing John had manifested itself as this pain. Could I be going nuts? I didn't think so, but I have never been down this road before. Could it be a brain tumor? All these thoughts were swirling around in my head.

Everyone kept telling me how strong I was, how great I was doing, but I didn't feel like I was doing great. I felt I was sinking. I missed John, the chemo was so hard and the pain...the pain..and pain is something that will change the way you look at life and only you can deal with it. Add to that a harsh cold winter that made me not even want to stick my toe out the door.

My friends and family checked on me and tried ever so hard to get me out and about, but I kept dodging invitations. I just couldn't, didn't want to leave home. Even my pups knew I didn't feel good. They would come a sit by me with their little heads on the couch. Periodically, they would nudge my hand and force me to give them a little love.

I did have a few bright spots during that time as you have seen in the blog. But they were a struggle and always just a few days before my next treatment.

But surgery was on the calendar and if I could just make it till then, I knew all would be okay.

To be continued....
PCQ

For Sale!

2011-03-20T21:27:00.020-04:00

One of the most difficult things I have had to do, is sell or dispose of things that are strong reminders of John. On one hand it is easy, and on the other, very emotional.

John had an old brown Toyota farm truck that just wouldn't quit, it kept going and going. And, with several employees driving it on a pig farm seven days a week, it stayed dirty and smelled. Especially in the summer, if you get my drift....no pun intended.

Before John died, it was one of the first things I looked for when coming home. Seeing this truck, and another he had, let me know he was home and finished for the day.

It was on its last legs, but, it still ran. After John passed away, it ended up being parked in the back yard and every time I walked by the back door, or came up the driveway, and saw it, I was reminded that John wasn't home.

It was time for it to go, but where do I start? When I trained new employees at work, I always imparted certain mantras, and "Use your resources", was one of them. I had checked Blue Book for the truck value. Not good. Looked like salvage would get me $200 and then I had to pay to have it picked up. Not good. So, I used my resources and called our mechanic, Eugene at the Car Shop....though I call him Eugenius, cause he is so smart.

"Put it on Craigslist, say it is for parts and ask $500 firm!" he said. So I did. Below is the ad.

Selling a 1986 Toyota 5 speed long bed Xtra cab truck. It runs but I have Junked it with NCDMV because it will not pass inspection, can be used for parts. So selling AS IS!!! Will not guarantee it will run long. Was used as a farm truck and cannot be on the road with NCDMV junk status. Dirty, seat is damaged from getting in and out with ViseGrips in pocket, window doesn't roll up all the way, tailgate has bungee cord holding it shut, rusty, no radio, heat or AC, windshield wipers or brake lights, speedometer and gas gauge do not work, clutch slipping, so it is hard to change gears. Has been a faithful friend but it is time to go. $500 firm! Don't even ask! As I said...JUNK...for parts! $500 Firm! Did I say it is dirty??? and I am not going to waste any time cleaning it up. Send email with phone # and I will contact you ASAP.

Immediately I received several emails with dumb questions like, "How many MPG?" Answer: "Don't know, speedometer and gas gauge do not work, just have to guess when you need to buy gas." Another one, "What's wrong with it?" Answer: "Everything, selling for parts." Then finally, a sensible email, "Do you still have the Toyota truck? Can I come pick it up today? Will pay cash." Now that's my kind of email.

We were to meet around 2 p.m. here at my house, so I called Harold, my 90 year old body guard to come over around 1:30 to help me get some of the stuff out of the truck and so I would not be alone when the buyer arrived.

My buyer, Jeff, soon arrived with his rollback. He checked the truck to make sure there was a motor, paid me, and loaded the truck.

After he finished, I asked, "What are you going to do with it?" "We cut them in half and ship them overseas," he said.

"Ummmm... I don't want to turn on CNN one night and see an old brown Toyota truck with a white tailgate in some foreign country full of young militants with guns!" I said. "Well, I can't guarantee what will happen to it after it is sold," he replied. Nuff said.

Before he left, he asked if he could walk over to see my bottle tree. Gave him the 411 on the history of Southern bottle trees. He thought his wife would like to have one, so I told him how easy they are to create. Of course, he was very impressed with my Las Vegas lights that come on at night fall.

Before saying goodbye, he asked, "Do you want me to help you get those tools and concrete moved?" Those were all farm items that had been in the truck I was selling. "Oh, yes, please," I said, knowing Harold and I shouldn't do it. Him being a young buck, he jumped right on it. He moved the bag of concrete, box of tools and even put all my trash in the back of the other truck....plus a large, heavy, urn that I was getting ready to repot. Whew....what a sweetheart. Soon he was off and I waved goodbye to a truck full of memories....but it was time.

After he left, I told Harold I was sure glad we didn't have any trouble with him, cause I think he would have won.

PCQ

Troubles

2011-03-09T19:17:00.001-05:00

Been having a lot of problems with my shoulder. After my chemo treatment, it started hurting again. And when I say 'hurting', I mean hurting....really bad. Pain meds helped some, but didn't completely stop the pain. Of course, they make me sleepy and feel bad, but there was no other choice.

When I went in for my chemo pump to be removed, I told the nurses something had to be done. Just too much pain. They immediately contacted the doctor and she came in to check me. Concerned that it may be a blood clot, she requested a CT scan of my shoulder. The nurses put an IV in my hand so the contrast dye could be injected during the scan. I sat and waited....and waited....and waited. Apparently, the insurance was slow in approving the test.

The doctor came in after about 2 hours to check on me. "Have you already been, or are you still waiting?" she said. "Still waiting," I replied. She immediately went into the nurses office and I could tell she wasn't happy by the look on her face and that of the nurses. In a moment, she breezed by and within five minutes, I was being taken down for the CT scan.

CT scans are pretty easy, usually fast, run you through the giant donut tube, inject the contrast dye and run you through again, and it is over. That's the way it is supposed to be. But it was not the way it went this time. When the nurse hooked me up to inject the contrast dye into my IV, she was having problems. The flow was not good in the IV but she thought maybe the pressure from the machine would open it up. Well, it opened up, but not the IV! The vein blew out and I had instant pain. She stopped the scan and came in to check on me. "Oh, I am so sorry," she said. By then my arm was swelling and already looked like someone had shoved an orange under my skin. She grabbed several ice packs and wrapped them around my arm.

After the initial pain subsided, we still had to finish the scan, so she had to start another IV. Now, she moved to my left arm. Normally, that would be fine, but my left wing and the pain I was having....was why I was there. I have trouble raising my arm and the test requires the arm be held up over my head. So, I sucked up and did the best I could. Thankfully, the test only lasts a short time. It was over...whew...I was shaking. She unhooked my IV and I sat up. My arm with the blowout was really looking nasty, my hand was now swollen too, but the ice had helped the pain.

She helped me back to the chemo room where I would wait for the scan to be read. By now it was 4:30 and I hadn't had anything to eat. That was self imposed but for a reason. My queasiness and all that goes along with it, had come back and I didn't want to worry about getting sick when I went in. Who knew it was going to be an all day affair?

Good news though, no blood clot and nothing else showing up! But, something is causing the pain. So, blood was taken and sent off to see if there is an infection. We are ruling out all possible options. The doctor looked at me and said, "You know, it is probably going to be difficult to keep this port if the pain persists." I nodded my head, understanding what she was saying. I had initially been horrified when they told me I may have to have it removed and reinstalled. But now, with all the pain I have had, I think I could about rip it out myself. Of course, there is no guarantee that is what is causing the pain. But it has to be.

I will keep you updated.

PCQ

Update on MRI and CT Scan

2011-03-07T16:12:00.005-05:00

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well Monday night, anticipating the next day's appointment with my oncologist. When you have a major medical test like an MRI or CT scan, you know there is always a chance things won't go the way you hope. Try as you may, that wiry, little, red devil sits on your shoulder, pokes at you with his pitchfork and makes little comments, like, "This might be the one!", just so you don't forget you will be getting information that could sharply alter your life.

I asked my friend, Kathy, to go with me. Sometimes it helps to have two sets of ears listening to what the doctor says. I found that to be very true when John was ill. After leaving, we would compare what each of us heard. Most of the time we agreed, but many times, there were subtle differences in what we heard. And, we would keep a journal. Amazing how you can forget what was said when you have so much going on in your life. And with both of us under fire, it got complicated.

Kathy and I were both prepared for whatever would be said. You have to do that.

Good news....the tumor had not changed. As Charlie Sheen would say...."WINNING!!" With that news came a sigh of relief. This type of cancer is slow growing, which is a good thing and we have it stalled for a bit longer. Though ultimately, the cancer will win unless something new comes down the drug pipeline. And a new treatment is what we are hoping for.

But, my body has been on chemo for well over a year now, plus the radiation treatments for a month.... so my oncologist says I need a break. "Your body has to heal some," he said. "The chemotherapy drugs kill good cells along with the bad ones, we have to allow time for the good cells to rejuvenate."

And that is the challenge with chemotherapy. How much can your body take before it cries, "UNCLE!"

"Okay," I said, "so what is the plan now?"

"Of the three drugs you are on, we will remove the one that is doing the most damage for awhile. You will stay on the other two. Just a few years ago, one of the drugs you will continue taking was the only one we used," he said. The drug he is talking about is the one that makes my blood pressure go up and causes lots of other chemo related problems, so it will be good to hopefully shed myself of those maladies for a bit. But, I don't want to give the cancer cells a break either. Here in lies the dilemma.

My blood count numbers were good, too. Thanks to a shot I now get after each treatment....a $4695 for each shot I might add. One tiny injection that causes my bone marrow to spit out more white blood cells and they are the ones impacted by my chemo drugs. White blood cells fight infection. (John's treatment killed his red blood cells and plasma.) You learn all these things as you walk along this path. But I am very thankful for the drug. My white blood cell count (WBC) had gotten very low. Still not sure how much was worry about John and how much was from the treatment. I'll never know, but the constant urinary tract infections and other problems I was having have certainly been better.

Here's a photo of my fingernails. You can see the difference in the color about half way down. That's how much they have grown since John died. And yes, I think it was stress. My hair fell out. It has stopped. Constant infections, weight loss, they have stopped. Do I still have problems....yes, but looks like being bald and boney won't be on the list, not just yet anyway.

So, we begin a new regime. Two of the same drugs, but now I will go back to being treated every two weeks. I had been on a three week treatment interval for the past three months. Less time between treatments, but hopefully, less side effects also.

Wing problems! Been having so much pain with my left shoulder. Went to the ortho dr and had X-Rays and MRI of the shoulder. Nothing showing up as a major problem and thankfully, no tumor growth there. That was a concern.

To be continued...
PCQ

Sunday Night

2011-03-04T18:12:00.005-05:00

Umphrey's McGee

(Joel is on the far right on keyboards)

Took us all awhile to get going Sunday morning after Saturday night's dinner party. But, we did finally get back in gear. It was another beautiful day, lots of fun and, of course, a nap, just so we would be ready for the long night. (Please tell me why concerts start so late?)

Anyway, dinner at The Hardshell in Richmond's Shockoe District was first. But did I tell you it was with some of the band? Our concert was Umphrey's McGee, a progressive rock jam band. I know, I know, I don't look like the progressive rock jam band type, but....this band was different. Dinner was great and the conversation wonderful. But soon, we were off to the concert.

A little history, in 2009, Mary, Kay's daughter, got married. John and I attended the wedding and had a wonderful time. I had so much fun Saturday night at the party, my hand was bruised the next morning from playing a tamborine. So, at breakfast that Sunday, I was seated with a handsome young man named Joel. Didn't know him, other than seeing him at the wedding. But we chatted and he told me I had "rock and roll bruises". I liked that. A few days later, talking with Kay, I found out he was the keyboard player with a big rock band...Umphrey's McGee. Joel was dating, and later married, Kay's next door neighbor.

After that, I followed the band, and of course, Kay would tell me when they were playing in the area. And when they were coming this time, she asked if I wanted to go. I really felt a connection to the band. They had autographed CDs and hats for John for his birthday last August. What a kind thing to do and John and I really appreciated it.

John with his hat the band sent him for his birthday last year.

Anyway, back to the concert. The concert was being held at the historic National Theatre in downtown Richmond. It was an old movie theatre that has been redone. A majestic place with an intimate feel, that allowed about 1500 people to rock the night away. We were treated like royalty! Had a special pass to get in and a special place to sit. But first, we were taken to the second floor where there was room to wait and talk before the concert. I was in awe of the beauty of the theatre and the anticipation of a rock concert! Met so many wonderful people and saw a lot of "interesting" people too.

During the band's break, Joel allowed us to go back to their dressing room and personally showed me around. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He is a wonderful and very kind young man. And so were all the others too. Had a long talk with the drummer, Kris. He was spectacular and I couldn't imagine playing drums as he does for a whole concert. Told him how much I enjoyed just watching him. He was so smooth....and "in the pocket". I know this sounds strange, but I did feel of his arms. He had the softest skin!

But soon, it was time to leave and get back to our seats for the final set. They did play the Beatles, Band on the Run, and I think they did it as well as the Beatles. And the crowd went wild.

It was an awesome night and I will remember it forever. Thanks to all that made this a wonderful night for an old woman.

Rock on...

PCQ

Saturday Night

2011-02-28T16:46:00.010-05:00

Told you I was having fun at Kay's, my "party in a box" friend. We had picked up food, grabbed Mary from her friend and were back home to get ready for the night. Most of the guests were coming around 7 for dinner, but Kay asked Roddy to come a little sooner.

Kay met Roddy in her yoga class some time back and they became fast friends. During one of their chats, he mentioned he was a blues singer and pianist. She was intrigued by that and queried him about where he performed. Seems as though he was going to be performing in Greenville NC in a few weeks, so Kay called me and suggested John and I try to go. It was on a Sunday in April and we went....it was wonderful. John and I introduced ourselves and Roddy became our friend too. We told him to please let us know when he would be coming back.

Fast forward to January, 2011, on my way home from the doctor's office and my chemo treatment... the phone rings. It was Kay, "Roddy's going to be in Greenville tonight. He forgot to alert me till now. Hope you can go."

We chatted for a few more minutes and then I hung up the phone. Wow, I would love to hear him sing and play, but I felt so bad from my chemo treatment. And he wouldn't be playing till 9 p.m. That was really late for me after all my body had been through that day. About that time my cell phone rang, it was my daughter Lauren. I told her of my plight and she said, "Mom, if you go home, months from now you will not remember what you did tonight, but if you go see Roddy, you'll remember it!" Nuff said! I put the plan in motion, gathered up a few friends and we clapped and sang while Roddy played. And...it made me forget about how bad I was feeling.

(You can listen to Roddy play at the links below. The first one was my recording of him at our party. The second is from a performance at a Blues Festival.)

Roddy singing for us at the party.

Roddy singing Boogie Woogie Your Red Wagon

Roddy and Me

But back to the party. Roddy came around 5:30 and helped us get things ready. We had a grand time talking. Soon, the others arrived and the party began. Wonderful food, wine, and fellowship.

Around 12:30, I saw a little orange on my fingertips and knew it wouldn't be long before I turned into a pumpkin, so I went to bed, though the party continued on. Still had the big concert Sunday night and I couldn't wait. But first, I had to get some rest. What a night!

PCQ

Sandy Beaches

2011-02-27T17:35:00.003-05:00

Sandy beaches in Cancun

Amazing how music can bring out so many emotions. I was driving John's truck Sunday to check on some things at the farm and had the radio on listening to beach music. Delbert McClinton came on singing, Sandy Beaches, and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

It brought back the best of memories. Several years ago, John found out he had a business meeting he was to attend in Cancun, Mexico. I didn't know about the trip, but when I came home from work that day, he pushed "play" and Delbert McClinton started singing.

(you can click on the link below to hear the song)

Delbert McClinton singing Sandy Beaches

John grabbed me around the waist and in a semi dance move, began singing along with Delbert, "Now look here honey, got all this money, let's me and you go....down to Mexico........"

Of course, I was thrilled and we had an awesome time. But today, when I heard the first few bars of the song, my mind flashed back to that day and made me realize how much I still miss him.

Happy times.....

PCQ

My Weekend

2011-02-24T09:02:00.003-05:00

Kay, my party-in-a-box friend, had called a few weeks back and invited me to Virginia to visit with her. There was a concert that Sunday night and we could make it a long Presidents Day weekend. Sounded good to me! She and her husband, Bill are always the perfect hosts and I was between treatments, so I agreed to come.

As the date got closer, I realized it would be the first time I had driven that far alone. Not that I am afraid to venture out by myself, just didn't know if I was physically able to handle it. Still recovering from the rotary cuff problems and the chemo treatments in general....I just didn't know how it would go.

Got there okay. Physically, it was not a problem, but emotionally, it was challenging. This was the first time I had visited them since John and I went there last July. When we found out about his cancer....he wanted to go somewhere, just get away, and Kay and Bill were his safe haven.

So every turn I took, every landmark I passed, reminded me of that trip. It was hard, but it was a trip I had to take.

Friday night we had a lovely dinner and just caught up on everything. So much going on and we talked till it was time for bed. Of course, during the talks, Kay was receiving text messages from Mary, her daughter, and Mary's husband Jake. They were flying in from NYC and Mary kept us informed of her progress. "We've made it to the airport." "We're on the plane." "We're leaving now." Was sweet to follow her via texting. I was worried about her because it was windy outside. Wind and planes don't go together real well. But she made it home that night....though it was a little bumpy.

Kay had a big weekend planned and the drive had me tired, so bedtime came early.

Saturday morning we were up early and getting everything ready for the dinner party she had planned that night. So much to do and we had to drive into town to pick up Mary. She had spent the night in Richmond with friends since the flight was late.

Needless to say, everything Kay and I do is an adventure. We saw this guy by the road working on a sign. Kay told me he was, Happy, the artist. Seems he is a local legend and has been around Richmond for a long time. His dog, a Beagle named God (dog spelled backwards he said), had red rickrack around his neck for a collar, was there with him.

His van, pictured below, initially got my attention, but after pulling in to take a photo, we saw Happy.

His van was very interesting and had several thoughtful phrases.

The one above says,

"Bless you for being in my life, just by reading this, you have joined us together -

and bless the Magic Marker -

AND bless the guy that invented the Alphabet.

AND bless all the teachers that taught us to read.

AMEN"

It was only 3 p.m. on Saturday afternoon and we had already had an exciting day. Next, home to get ready for the dinner party. What a night it was to be!

PCQ

Wing Scan

2011-02-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

Had the MRI on my left wing/shoulder this morning at 8:15. What was I thinking when I made an appointment that early? Obviously, not thinking at all, especially after the weekend I had. Will post on that soon.

But no problems with this MRI. Didn't realize how simple MRI scans are if you don't have to:
not eat and have only clear liquids before, drink two Super Size cups of yummy "light up" stuff, get an IV put in and have injections, and have two scans...before and after the injections. Drink, drink, drink, afterwards to flush all the stuff you drank out of your system.

This was a piece of cake. Just jump in, scan, jump out! When she told me it was over, I said, "That's it?" She nodded yes and said, "Regular MRIs are pretty simple."

But still glad it is over.

PCQ

MRI and CT Scan

2011-02-17T21:56:00.001-05:00

I had an MRI and CT scan Wednesday. Had to be there an hour before to drink the contrast dye that lights up cancer cells. Two big Super Size cups of yummy stuff! I always worry about drinking all of that and then having to crawl in the "tube" and be still for 45 minutes while it does its magic.

Today was different. Been having mucho trouble with my left wing and shoulder.... and didn't think about how it would affect the scans. But did it ever. First complication, the nurse had trouble getting the IV in my arm and had to put it in my left arm, which is always the easiest to find a vein. But, that proved to be problematic as I had to put that arm up over my head so dye can be given during the CT scan. Ooops, my left arm was not happy at all, it really hurts to lift it above my head. Thankfully, CT scans don't last but a few minutes and are not confining. Just take a deep breath and slide you through the donut a few times, and it is over.

Not so easy with MRIs. There is the issue of the tube. (see my post about claustrophobia and the St. Louis Arch) Usually, the cloth over my eyes, jazz music playing, works. I didn't factor in the part about my shoulder and wing not being happy, really, really, not happy. During past scans, I was able to at least doze off for a few minutes. Didn't happen today. I could not get comfortable and of course, you can't move once the scan begins. The stress of not being comfortable just amplified the fact I was strapped into a tiny tube and couldn't move. I had to really dig deep to find control and not scream, "Get me out of here."

I made it, but barely! Did I say I was sweating, too? Was not a good day for me.

The results will be available at my next chemo treatment on March 1st. I'll update you then. And yes, glad you asked, anyone who has tests always worries till you get the results. If there wasn't a question, we wouldn't be having a test.

PCQ

Update

2011-02-08T22:56:00.004-05:00

I had my 15th treatment today on the third regimen of chemo drugs. Don't remember how many I had on the second group, but it didn't work, so I focus on this one.

My oncologist was back from his visit to India for a family wedding. I missed him. We talked about his trip and I told him I had a friend that went to the Woodstock boarding school in India. Just saw that it was listed on CNN as one of the top ten in the world.

"His family must be wealthy," he said. "Actually, they were missionaries and I think the school has provisions for those that are in mission work. His father was a foremost authority on leprosy and worked with lepers. If you Google it, his name comes up," I said.

"My family left India when I was 12 years old. Going back is very difficult, even to visit. It is so hard to see all the disparities," he remarked. We talked about Egypt and other world events, and, as nice as it was to chat....that was not my reason for being there.

I had my list of "ailments" from chemo; skin peeling off my hands and feet, dry mouth....I mean really dry mouth, trouble with nose bleeds, no energy, queasiness, hiccups, fingernails breaking, etc. I don't do it to complain, that serves no purpose, he has to know how the drugs are affecting me so the dosage can be adjusted if needed.

Gave him the 411 on my shoulder saga. It is doing better, albeit slowly. After visiting my PCP and an orthopedist, I was diagnosed as having a tendon impingement that in turn has caused my bursa to become inflamed, which in turn has caused my shoulder muscles to go..OUCH and tighten up. Oh yeah, she gave me a nice little cortisone shot in my shoulder. Getting old is not for wimps.

I finally broke down and visited my Primary Care Physician week before last. He had taken X-Rays and gave me prednisone and a muscle relaxer. It helped some, but I didn't like taking the muscle relaxer, it made me feel lethargic and drowsy. The prednisone turned me into an eating machine. I even woke up during the night hungry. Never done that before, so I was a little anxious when the nurse asked me to "weigh in" today. Didn't know if "Porky" would have to go the truck scales down the road! But, to my amazement, I had only gained one pound. Whew.

Dr. Mahajan will schedule my scans in a few weeks and it was time for a mammogram also. If the scans show the tumor is being maintained, I will begin a different treatment plan. We'll take out one of the three chemo drugs and go to every other week again. Less drugs, but more frequently. I have been on three week intervals for the last two months. The drug that will be removed for a short while is the one that makes me so tired and has the most negative side effects. I must allow time for my body to recover. It is a delicate balance.

We will do that....that is...if there is no new growth. If things have changed, it is a whole new ballgame.

Wagon still rolling with a little more bacon.
PCQ

Saying Goodbye to John

2011-02-07T16:57:00.004-05:00

Received a wonderful note in the mail from a dear friend. She had been out of town....actually, she was out of the country, when John died. Her words are powerful.

"It really hit hard when I got that early morning email, even though we knew of John's struggles. When the news came, I had a vision of John. He was shrugging his shoulders and with a chuckle, and his hands in the air as if to say, 'Gotta Go', and I cried. Maybe you're familiar with this gesture, I sure saw him do it more than once.

One of the things we do here by the ocean, is get up early before sunrise and watch the fisher people head to their boats, in hopes of catching the big ones that day. The sun is barely peeping over the horizon when the boats are speeding off just showing silhouettes on an early morning orange background. As we headed to the shore area to sit and just meditate over the sunrise and John's passing, it was so very emotional. We waved good bye to John and it really felt like he was passing over us. And then the thought of this particular sunrise, the first without John Adams on the earth with everyone. It is still so hard to accept that reality and I can only imagine the pain you feel.

I admire your strength which I believe comes from that inner place in all of us where the higher power reigns waiting to help us get through what ever we may face on this life journey. And now everyone's journey has changed forever with John's absence. Your man John really had a presence here and now we realize the blessing that he truly was."

What sweet words, thank you dear friend.

PCQ

NC Pork Council Tribute to John

2011-02-05T10:52:00.007-05:00

I knew it would be an emotional day. Just seeing all of John's friends and colleagues would bring back so many wonderful memories. Meals shared, trips taken....all part of the fabric of our life together.

But they wanted to remember John and all he did to promote the industry.

After their remarks on John's contributions, this is what I said:

Good Morning. On behalf of my family and myself, I would like to thank you for honoring John’s service and dedication. I can’t imagine how our life would have been without the pork industry, it truly shaped and colored our lives.

John had a passion for pork and was dedicated to NC State and agriculture and never missed an opportunity to share that love with others. Be it a pig picking, a BBQ judging contest, a committee meeting, or cooking bacon, "pig candy" as he called it, at the beach, pork and pigs were always at the front of the line in our family.

"Pigs don’t care if it is Christmas, they still have to be fed," he said. And he made sure that happened and he was good at it.

As many of you know, John was also very vocal. You may not have agreed with him, but you knew where he stood on the issues.

Our oldest daughter, Meredith, pig money sent her to NC State, ECU and Johnson and Wales… is now the executive chef of Eurasia restaurant in Mt. Pleasant, SC, right over the bridge from Charleston. Pork features prominently in her menu. If you are ever down that way, please stop in, say hello, and enjoy a wonderful meal.

Lauren, our youngest, pig money sent her to NC School of the Arts, Appalachian State, UNC-CH, and graduate work at Carnegie Mellon University, in Pittsburgh... GO STEELERS! and she is now an assistant professor at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. She was just recently chosen as one of nine prominent artists to design large glass panels that will be installed during the upcoming renovation of the St Louis airport. So, maybe the next time you are passing through St Louis Lambert Field, you will catch a glimpse of her design, fashioned into glass panels that are being crafted by German glass masters in Munich.

When John passed away last fall, several of his friends suggested a scholarship in his name. They said there is probably another “young John” out there somewhere that may need a little help with their education. So in collaboration with the North Carolina Cooperative Extension service, the John Quincy Adams V Scholarship Fund is now in place.

We still have a way to go before it is fully funded and I need your help. If you would like to contribute there is information on your table, or you can contact the Pork Council office and they can help also.

John never asked anyone to do anything he wouldn’t do himself. He never borrowed anything that wasn’t in better shape when it was returned, and he paid forward. I hope you can find it in your heart to help us with this scholarship fund, so John can continue….to pay forward! Thank you.

NC Commissioner of Agriculture, Steve Troxler

NC Farm Bureau President - Larry Wooten - my breakfast companion

It was a wonderful day but very emotional. John would have been overwhelmed by the kindness.

PCQ

Last Thursday

2011-01-28T10:03:00.001-05:00

I hadn't really thought about the procedure much other than NO COFFEE or food after midnight. Be at the PCMH Out Patient Clinic at 7 a.m. for my port to be checked. But it hit me when I turned into the parking lot. It was the first time I had been there since John died and I just didn't realize how traumatic it would be.

As I pulled in to park, every time I had brought him, every place I had parked....it all flashed into my mind. Walking across the parking lot, I remembered the times I dropped him off, picked him up... pushed him in the wheelchair into and out of the building.

Checking in was the same. Same people that checked John in....they were there....and they always teased him about his name, and he loved it. But I was alone today.

Got my blood drawn and soon I was being ushered to the Out Patient area. They put me in the same bay that John had been in both times he was there. I would have asked them to move me, but it was the only bed still open. I looked around the room and remembered so much. The place I sat my coffee. Where Meredith sat when she came with us. Everything was the same. But I was alone today.

Soon the nurse came in. She looked at me as if she recognized me but didn't say anything. I remembered her. The P.A. came in. Same one John had. They took my blood pressure. The stress was showing.

I sat there alone and feeling sorry for myself. I was the only patient there with no one accompanying them. Everyone else had at least two people, but I had imposed this situation on myself. I could have had someone come with me, but I didn't want to bother anyone with having to get up so early just to sit and wait while I had a procedure that was not supposed to be anything major. And yes, I had a backup plan if something happened and I couldn't drive home.

So, I started looking at my blessings. I was probably the only one there that could come by myself. Most of the other patients seemed to be very ill or old enough they had to have a driver.

Before long I was wheeled into the procedure room. It was so cold in there. All the people were busy attending to the machines, getting everything ready for me....but I was freezing. I almost felt like an afterthought for them. "Excuse me, could you get me a blanket?" I said. They transferred me from the bed to the procedure table. It was even colder. The blanket was placed over me but my shoulder and left arm were uncovered. Brrrrr.....still so cold. "Could you put the blanket up under my left arm? The rail against my arm is cold," I said. The nurse came over and quickly lifted my shoulder to push the blanket under....OUCH! Guess she hadn't read the information about why I was there. All the while, they were positioning machines and screens for the procedure. On the ceiling there was a bank of monitors that looked like a Super Bowl fan's TV dream. One huge screen surrounded by several other smaller screens.

As I lay there waiting for the doctor to come in, it occurred to me that I had forgotten to put the numbing cream on my port. I usually do that prior to chemo so when I am hooked up, it lessens the pain. I knew today would be even more painful because there had not been sufficient time for healing from the initial chemo treatment on Tuesday. Oh well, too late now. Soon it was time to start. Deep breath and the connection was made. It did hurt...sort of feels like a knife being plunged into your chest. I know that sounds dramatic, but it does feel that way.

The dye was inserted. After checking everything, the port was declared intact and showing no leaks. Okay! That was certainly good news as I was worried about possibly having the port removed and another put in.

Soon, I was wheeled out of the deep freeze and back into my bay. It was over and I was glad. My blood pressure reflected it too.

Port okay....shoulder not. Still have to figure out what is causing the pain and get back on track and finish the chemo treatment that was stopped on Tuesday.

PCQ

#14 Chemo

2011-01-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

Today was my 14th chemo treatment on the second round of medications. It didn't go well. My blood numbers were all normal and I had "porked up" and gained a pound. We won't even talk about my blood pressure.

Anyway...got through all the regular tests and was in the chemo room ready for treatment. My nurse came over and started the party by hooking me up via my port. Didn't take me long to realize she was having trouble. Stand up, sit down, deep breaths, arm up, arm down, cough, cough....she wasn't having any success. We started over and tried everything again. Finally, the flow was good, and my chemo treatment was started.

First drug I am given is the anti nausea drug, then the good, cancer killer drugs begin.

But today was different, something didn't feel right. And it hurt. Not just around the port, but my entire shoulder. It started off as pain when I moved a certain way, but as the treatment continued, the pain increased. I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She immediately stopped the treatment and called the doctor. He was there in just a few minutes, looking, poking. "We need to get a dye test to see if there is a leak or a problem with the line. That doesn't happen very often, but something is causing the pain," he said. "The port may have to be removed." Not what I wanted to hear or think about.

So, I am now scheduled for tests on Thursday morning at Pitt Memorial outpatient services. Will keep you updated.

PCQ

Meredith's New Restaurant

2011-01-13T13:15:00.001-05:00

Meredith's new restaurant in Mt. Pleasant/Charleston, SC, is featured below. Check it out.

PCQ

Currents

Editor’s Picks

Noteworthy Trends and Events

A CULINARY DEBUT

Mount Pleasant’s newest eatery gives residents one more reason to stay East of the Cooper when they’re looking for downtown dazzle minus the downtown hassle. Eurasia Café and Wine Bar has a cool bistro vibe and a hot menu, offering regional dishes, fresh local ingredients and a dash of Asian inspiration.

Executive chef and partner Meredith Adams brings the concept to the Lowcountry from the original Eurasia based in Virginia Beach, Virginia, where her acclaimed inventive approach to cuisine spurred the opening of a second restaurant in Richmond.

One of only a handful of female chefs in the region, she’s teamed up with managing partner Andy Fallen—think Peninsula Grill and 39 Rue de Jean—to bring sizzle to the suburbs. “I want sexy food on the plate,” she says.

That playful attitude begins with her dressed up Reuben “In The Sky With Diamonds” served with a zesty “Millionaire Mayo.” An entrée called “Off the Hook Rockafella” is the daily catch topped with fried oysters.

Right now, I’m craving her award-winning “Sweet Potato Bisque with Carolina Wildflower Honey,” a velvety concoction enlivened with the flavors of white truffle and country ham from Surry County, Virginia. Its explosion of savory sweetness is guaranteed to warm the heart and soothe the soul.

Visit Eurasia at 915 Houston Northcutt Boulevard (in the Patriots Plaza shopping center) in Mt. Pleasant. Hours: 11 a.m. – 10p.m. Monday to Saturday. Tel. 843-606-2616; www.eurasiasc.com

Shoulder Pain

2011-01-10T17:39:00.002-05:00

Been having trouble with my shoulder. Tried not using it, took Aleve, applied a cold pack, all the things you do when you have pulled something. Nothing seemed to work. Kept thinking it would get better, but after taking more pain medication than I was comfortable with, I decided to call the doctor.

My port was tender too. I had the port put in last March so my chemo could be administered without having an IV put in each time. It really had not caused any problems for me though I always know it is there and it makes me careful when I hug someone, put on clothes, shower, anything that might touch it.

Got in front of the mirror and really looked at the port and the flow line from it. Is it red, or am I just imagining that? I could feel the line under my skin and it hurt. But, it hurt from my shoulder all the way up my neck. Sure didn't want to complain, but it was making my life miserable.

So I did what everyone does, I went to the computer and entered, "Port Pain". Uhhhmmm....could be a blood clot, infection....I wasn't happy with the search results. But, my shoulder was hurting and it had been going on for too long. Decided to call the chemo nurses, they would know what to do, they see this stuff all the time.

After talking with them, they told me I needed to come in for the doctor to check it out, just to be safe. Okay, I would head in. Snow was on the way, but nothing yet. May as well get this process started.

Got to the doctor's office around 11 a.m. Going to the doctor's office is still painful for me. I see John every way I turn. I see us getting him there for his treatments, seeing Dr. Lee, even parking.... it is all so hard. Just sitting in the waiting room hurts. But there is no way around it, so I go on.

My doctor is out of the country so I saw Dr. Lee again. He was John's doctor. Did I tell you how hard it is? My blood pressure was up, not surprised by that. The stress thing I guess. He looked at my shoulder, port, neck, and started talking about the same things I had read on the internet. First thing to rule out, he said, was a blood clot, so off I go for an ultrasound dopler....or something like that. Get dressed...ouch....drive to the radiologist. Wait in a room full of sick, coughin people. Soon I was called in. Get undressed from the waist up, and that hurts. Try dressing or undressing without moving your left arm, head, or neck. Just getting on the bed to be examined was major. She kept wanting me to hold my arm in certain positions so she could run the ultrasound, but it hurt! She squirted the gel on me and started pressing the wand up and down my neck, shoulder and arm. OUCH!! Finally, after about 20 minutes, she finished and told me I could get dressed. After taking a really long time to get my clothes back on, I headed back to Dr. Lee's office to await the results. And....again.... all of those sad thoughts for me again, but no other option.

As I waited to be called back in, I looked around the waiting room. Too many people with little or no hair. Sure hope somebody figures out this cancer thing soon. "Mrs. Adams,"the nurse called, it was time to go back to see Dr. Lee. I could feel my heart beating fast as Austin, Dr. Lee's dear, sweet, nurse, walked me back.

She took me to a room to wait....a room that I had been in too many times with my sweet John. It is just so hard sometimes. Dr. Lee came in. Seems there was a blood clot. Not a big one, but enough to be causing pain. We looked at the results and he prescribed some meds. Give it two to three days and if I don't have any relief, come back.

Will do....and I was out of there. Let's hope this works and I will feel better soon. Wagon still rolling...albeit with one bad wheel.

PCQ

John Quincy Adams V - Life Story in N&O

2010-12-30T10:11:00.006-05:00

I received a call one morning a few weeks back, from a reporter working for the Raleigh, NC, News and Observer. She wanted to feature John in an upcoming article, Life Stories. Of course, I was thrilled. I asked her why he was selected? She said he looked like the type of person they normally featured. I thought about it for a bit and did a little research. I checked out the reporter's previous articles to see how she writes. I have dealt with reporters for some time now during my stint on the Board of Education. I didn't want just anyone writing about John. I wanted someone who would do it right, and, after reading a few of her articles, I thought she passed muster.

She needed people to interview; family, friends, professional contacts, etc., so I made calls to a few folks, asking if they would mind talking with her.

After talking with several of them, she decided on her focus for the article. "It's really hard with people like John," she said, "they have so many interesting aspects in their lives. It is difficult with the limited space we have for the story to tell everything. I keep thinking one day I am going to write a book about all these people and then I will have more freedom in what I can write about them." Maybe she will.

So, to all John's friends and cohorts that agreed to be interviewed, I say, "Thanks". John would be really proud. I know I am.

As I ventured out this morning in the cold and still snow covered country to pick up a newspaper, my thoughts were of course on John. As I drove up to the local Bojangles to pick up a copy of the N&O, I happened to see someone standing there inside the window. It was an old friend. He pointed down at the newspaper box, smiled, made a fist and gave me a "thumbs up". Amazing how little things like that can mean so much. Thanks "Dear Friend"!

PCQ

COURTESY OF PAT ADAMS

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BY ALETA PAYNE

Tags: lifestyle

If you gave John Quincy Adams V a reason, he'd cook a pig. Sometimes a whole one to celebrate a graduation or other special event. Sometimes just pounds of bacon - pig candy, he called it - to feed the breakfast and lunch crowds on the annual multifamily beach trip.

More than just a cook of pork, Adams was an expert on it. A farmer, he supported colleagues in that profession, serving on the state and national pork councils. He worked to ensure the future of the state's agriculture, encouraging sustainable practices with an emphasis on local producers and products years before others saw the point of it.

Adams was a go-to guy for small farmers and national agricultural leaders, writing grants, providing advice, anticipating what needed to happen next to nurture food production from the ground up.

"He was very forward-thinking in seeing there was some transition that was going to happen in agriculture and that needed to happen," said Nancy Creamer, director of the Center for Environmental Farming Systems at N.C. State University. "He was dedicated to helping producers make that transition and stay in business."

Adams was 61 when he died of cancer in November.

Long lineage

Adams came from generations of farmers, a vocational lineage that ends with him. His ancestors settled land in Beaufort that was granted to them by the British government more than 200 years ago.

Patricia Lee met Adams when they were students at N.C. State. He and his roommates were in the upstairs apartment; she and hers were looking for a television with good enough reception to pick up the State-UNC basketball game. Their neighbors above had one.

He was outgoing and tackled every challenge, said the woman who would become his wife.

"If you were picking teams for life, you'd pick him," she said.

She was quiet, more comfortable in the background. "I guess we fit together well," she said.

They married after graduation and by 1975 had started their own farm in Greene County.

Leader among men

John Adams quickly came to be regarded as a leader among the state's small farmers.

"He was the type of fellow that everyone would ask a question and he'd always give them guidance," said Bobby Ham, a sweet potato farmer Adams worked with. "He wouldn't tell them what to do. He'd give them guidance. He was just always wanting to help somebody."

Adams helped new, expanding and innovative producers write grants for their work. He mentored young farmers and their workers.

"John was the type of person when he got an idea, he just took that idea and went to work," said Deborah Johnson, CEO of the N.C. Pork Council, who served at the state and national level with Adams.

"He was candid about doing what was right. He might even take the other side of an issue to make sure we'd looked at every aspect of it. He wanted us to have all the information and wanted everyone to have a chance to have their input."

Fun with father

Even when Adams was having fun, farming was never far from his mind.

The Adamses' two daughters raised animals to show from the time they were in elementary school, including getting up in the night to check on them and going with their father to do other work on the farm.

Meredith Adams, now executive chef of her own restaurant, Eurasia Cafe in Mount Pleasant, S.C., credits that experience with helping her career.

"I probably wouldn't have what I have without the work ethic he taught me," she said.

Adams was also a fun dad, recalled younger daughter, Lauren, pulling them through rare Eastern North Carolina snow on a sled, towing them and friends down the Pamlico River in summer "making sure we were safe but making sure we were delighted. He was the most inspiring as far as fun goes."

Adams delighted friends with his food. The family took an annual two-week beach vacation with the same folks for three decades. Adams enjoyed the time doing his share of cooking and playing bocce.

And yes, there was the matter of his name, which brought its share of questions and teasing. While he could claim the sixth president as distant kin, the Fifth was named for an uncle.

ajpuva@att.net

An Annual Tradition

2010-12-23T17:38:00.001-05:00

Don't remember the first year we decided to have a wreath party, but it sure was fun and it stuck. We've been doing it ever since. And this year was no exception. I hesitated to have it, I was scheduled to have a chemo treatment that week and knew I would be too weak to do much prep work. But, I kept thinking about John. He would be really disappointed in me if I didn't keep it going. So I did.

But not by myself. A bunch of sweet elves rushed in and helped me get ready. And what a day it was. The great Snow Hill Christmas Parade and annual Wreath Party.

My friends gathered greens and got to work. It was a wonderful day.

Great food!

Horseback riding!

And then it started snowing! Caroline tried to catch a big flake on her tongue.

John always put a wreath on both ends of the horse barn for me. My friends did it this year and I cried when they put them up. It was always something John and I did together. Amazing how little things that seem so insignificant at the time, become ever so special.

Merry Christmas
PCQ

Update on Me

2010-12-16T09:35:00.002-05:00

I have received several requests for information and update on my medical condition. Sorry I have neglected to do that. This blog was set up for that very purpose, but with the other crisis in my life, my updates took a back seat as they should.

A CT scan, MRI, and bone scan were all performed a few weeks ago. Good news from them, the growth has not changed. That is what my oncologist and I were hoping for. This type of cancer, especially with it invading bone tissue in my spine, is not expected to shrink. All we can hope for is containment with the future hope that new drugs are in the pipeline and will be available once this chemo cocktail no longer works. And unfortunately, that is the nature of this cancer. The cancer will win at some time, unless a magic pill comes along.

I had chemo treatment #12 yesterday with this second round of drugs (the first group didn't work and there was some change/growth). For the first time since June, my blood pressure was almost normal. The visit two weeks ago, and just after John's death, my pressure was off the chart and it really startled me. Continued high blood pressure can damage internal organs. Thankfully, my friends Paula and Joan were with me for the results from the scans during that visit. Of course, I had to prepare myself for any news that my doctor might give. It is just the way you have to live when you have cancer.

The chemo treatment yesterday was a bit scary at the beginning. I have a port in my upper left chest (you can read my blog entry about getting that put in last March) and when the nurses "hook me up" they have to flush the lines to make sure there is good return and flow through the port. When she started the hookup, which in itself is painful as they must insert a butterfly needle into the port entry under the skin. Some people don't have much pain but others do. I fit in the later category. Mine hurts.

Anyway, as she was flushing the line, I realized she was not pleased with what was happening. I don't usually look when they do all these procedures. It just helps if I don't see it. I don't look when they take blood, don't look when they start up IVs.....though I didn't have any trouble when John was having his procedures done. Guess it is just me. So, I have learned, look away and think about sitting on the beach with a warm, salty breeze blowing on my face. That works.

But she couldn't get the flush to go into the port. She could pull it out, but when she changed directions, nothing happened. She called over another nurse and they started working on me. By now alarms were going off in my head....what will they have to do, what if they can't get it to go in, will I have to have this port removed and another inserted....YIKES! Panic.

She kept trying, asking me to raise my arm, cough, take deep breaths. I told her I had injured my left arm a few weeks ago and it was still sore. She started feeling my line running under my skin up over the collarbone and then it heads down to my heart. The line appeared to be kinked there. She kept working and finally, OUCH, something popped and the flow started. Guess when I strained my shoulder, it did something to the line, but it was working now. Whew.....

Dr. Mahajan added another drug to my cocktail today. It will hopefully help with the queasiness I have been having the first week. I have something for nausea, but the queasiness and hiccups were becoming more of a problem for me. So far, it has helped!

So, as of now, I am doing okay and will stay on these meds till they stop working. I told my doctor I was doing a little financial planning and needed to know a few things. He told me to expect the best but plan on the worst.

Enough said. Guess I probably won't run out of money before I run out of life.

Still pulling my wagon.
PCQ

Messages of Love

2010-12-12T19:52:00.001-05:00

I have received so many emails from John's online "girlfriends and buddies", as I called them. As many of you know, John joined an online smoking cessation group on about.com when he stopped smoking many years ago. He met so many wonderful people all over the world and as he became more confident in his "quit", he started paying forward and helping the newbies as they came in the group, struggling to stop the Nicodemon. All the people he met thought he was wonderful, nicknamed him Brother John, and so appreciated his help. Maybe they didn't know but they were helping him even more. See, when you quit, you can have a QuitMeter on your computer that ticks off the number of cigarettes you would have smoked, how much money you have saved, and how many days you have added to your life. You also have your quit date on your profile and if you smoke just ONE cigarette, then you must start all over. Each milestone, is marked with a key presentation. John learned from those that walked before him and he wanted to help others.

Here's a touching email from one of his friends that I would like to share with you.

Dear Pat,

I rarely visit the smoking forum, so only just learned that John is now with our Father. As you more than anyone know, he was such a good man. I had received a bad doctor's report and continuing to smoke was not even a remote alternative. I have no family in this area, none of my friends smoked -- I was pretty scared and felt very alone. John was the first person I met in the forum and I vividly remember he was celebrating his 100th smoke-free day. John extended the hand of friendship over the miles and not only did I no longer feel alone, the fear was replaced with strength.

He often talked about you, Pat -- always referring to you as his bride. I recall asking him about his family and he told me "32 years ago I married my best friend and beer drinking buddy." He shared that he had a long spell of not smoking after an accident in 94 -- "because my bride wouldn't get me any" .. When he talked about you, I could literally feel the deep love and I remember thinking one evening that you and he had one of those rare loves, the kind that stretches beyond time and space as we know it.

When Lauren was coming to St. Louis for interviews, John asked about the universities and I was able to send him information on them. We talked about meeting for a cup of coffee when you all visited here, but life seems to have gotten in the way.

I know John has now touched the face of God and he has been healed and made whole. And I also know that he lives on here in the hearts and memories of the many whose lives he touched. I think there will be times when you feel a gentle breeze caress your cheek when there is no wind at all -- and you will know it is just John saying hello and looking out for you.

You and your daughters will stay in my prayers.

Fondly,

XXXXXX

The next email was an addition to the one above....I have left out her name because it really wasn't needed. Her love comes through without it.

Pat,

I meant to tell you that one of the forum members opened a thread for John. I'm sure that someone probably let you know, but too many times we all wait because we thought someone else did it. You can get to it with this link 92149.1

I read your blog and cried many tears with and for you. If you do not mind, I would like to share something else with you. I am a three-time cancer survivor. I went into surgery on the third bout with the knowledge that my odds of surviving were 99 to 1 that I would not survive. And I nearly did not. I am told my family was called to the hospital about 3:00 a.m. to say their goodbyes, but I don't remember seeing anyone. At some point, I seemed to be floating above my hospital bed and I could clearly see my doctor on one side of me and my minister on the other. I knew they were praying, but I was unaware of any sound. Suddenly I seemed enveloped in a lavender cloud. I don't remember actually seeing this cloud, it was more of an impression of lavender. But the strongest impression I had was of love -- just the purest and most beautiful love, and it was so powerful that I knew that no human could endure even the tiniest bit more.

I cannot explain this, but I suddenly knew that it was my choice -- I could go along with the cloud, or I could return to that hospital bed. The hospital bed meant agonizing pain. The lavender love meant the end of the pain. Even now, I'm kind of amazed that I remember analyzing my choices. Thanksgiving had just passed and my entire family had come to my home for the holiday. It was an especially good holiday with everyone sharing a lot of love, I knew that my family knew I loved them. My friends had been more than supportive. I thought of my best friend. She was having a terribly hard time -- her marriage was failing, her finances almost non-existent. We had a discount store whose merchandise was composed of stock other stores had been unable to sell. To try to boost her spirits, she had bought herself a new dress. I remember her telling me that it cost $4.00. And I suddenly wished I had told her how nice it looked on her. Poof! I was back in that hospital bed, wracked with pain. December will mark the XXth anniversary of that night -- and I am still here.

I always thought that if I had a near death experience, I'd see that tunnel with the light at the end; or some relative or dear person who had passed on coming to escort me. But what I recall is the impression of a lavender cloud and a love so strong and so pure that it is indescribable. From that day to this, I have had no fear of dying. I know that love all wrapped up in lavender will be waiting, Somehow I know, Pat, that John began his journey enveloped in the love of you and your daughters and, though I don't know if his cloud was lavender, I know he was met and escorted home on a cloud of almost unendurably pure love.

Fondly,

XXXX

Share the love....what a beautiful note from John's friend that I will probably never meet.

PCQ

QR Codes

2010-12-08T19:03:00.005-05:00

I love it when I find out about something new, it's just the way I am. John always thought I embraced new technology. I guess that I do, I am certainly not afraid of it. Just never seemed an option to dismiss new things. We have to learn about them or we are left behind.

And, I always perk up when I see something new. QR codes (QR stands for Quick Response) were something new for me. I first noticed it when Jake, Lauren's boyfriend, had one for his Facebook photo. Didn't have a clue what it was, just thought it was cute, so he did one for me. Still, no lights on yet. Then one day, while reading CNN news, I saw an article about an ad on the giant billboard in Times Square. It was a QR code. The article explained the "intelligent people" would use their "smartphones" to scan the ad. All the other dumb people, that would be me, would look at the smart folk holding their phones up to the ad and wonder what the heck they were doing.

Not wanting to be one of the dumb people, I kept reading. The ad in Times Square was a QR code ad only accessible by using an application on your smartphone. When you scan the ad, it would give information for Calvin Klein jeans.

Since that day, I have seen two QR codes. One was in the Pitt Memorial Hospital cafeteria, with a statement "Change is coming", or something like that. The other, an ad for Crocs and pictured below, I just saw in Rachel Ray's magazine. Thought I would share with all of you....so you will be one of the smart folk too.

The QR code is in the bottom left. They are sort of like our bar codes here and are ubiquitous in Japan. Keep your eyes open. Bet you will see more of them soon.

PCQ

Hair

2010-12-07T10:49:00.001-05:00

My hair has stopped coming out. Of course that is a relief. With all that has been going on in my life, dealing with a bald head was not something I was looking forward to, especially with the cold weather and wind.

I had been saving it so I could monitor how much I had lost. It filled up the bag.

Funny thing, it started at the same time John started to lose his hair. I mentioned it to my doctor and the chemotherapy nurses. The doctor told me it should have already happened if it was going to fall out. By that, he meant it should have occurred during the second treatment. I was in my 7th treatment when it started.

In researching the medications I take, generally, 30% will be bald, 30% will have heavy thinning of hair, and 30% will not have anything. But it shouldn't be happening now. When I talked with the chemo nurses, who see the 'down and dirty' of what happens in chemo treatment, they said it was, "surrogate" loss. What?

"It most likely is sympathy loss for John," she said, "If it was going to happen from the chemo treatment, you would have lost it months ago. We do see it sometimes with husbands and wives when their partners are going through a tough time. It is sort of like a husband having morning sickness when his wife is pregnant."

John and I found it amusing. We would both stand in front of the mirror and compare hair loss. He was starting to look like Linus, and I teased him about it. When he slept at night or napped on the sofa, it looked like a cat had curled up there with all the hair that came out. I finally talked him into a haircut so he didn't look like a Linus Chia Pet anymore. After the haircut, he looked like Charlie Brown. But that was okay. I love Charlie Brown.

PCQ

PCMH - Continued - November 1

2010-11-30T16:31:00.004-05:00

The door to John's room was open and we could see the activity in the hall. The move had begun. Lots of people, carts, and machines were being systematically moved, one room at the time. We were next. And it is not easy. Heart monitor, oxygen tank, IV pole, and oh yeah....the patient, had to be moved, hopefully with no negative impact. But that was my job. I kept checking his tubes to make sure he was still getting oxygen. One time it was unhooked for a move and reconnection was inadvertently missed. Didn't take long before John's oxygen levels started dropping. That's how we learn. Mistakes are made and we learn to not let that happen again. So, I was like a mother hen rushing around making sure my baby was just fine.

As the crow flies, it was not a great distance from the oncology ward to the Heart Institute, but going by way of the inner halls, it was quite a hike. Soon we were in room 603. And what a difference. The large windows were allowing the Monday morning sun to stream in. Lauren and I set about getting our nest made in this room and it was ever so much nicer. The nurses and care partners were scurrying around, finding their stations and getting things in order.

It was noisy, so I closed the door. There was so much activity in the halls and we were tired. Lauren left the room to make a few phone calls and John said, "Come sit on the bed with me." I sat beside of him and he held my hand. Out the large windows, we could see the top of the trees with their beautiful fall colors, what a wonderful sunny day. Off in the distance, the ECU football stadium.

"This is not the way I thought it would go down. I don't think I will live through the night," John said. I looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about? I know you feel bad, but give the new medications time to work," I said. "You have to allow a little bit of time." Tears were starting to stream down my face. As hard as I wanted to remain positive, I saw it too. But I was still hopeful that he would get better.

"I've gotten worse the past 5 days. I've looked after animals a long time and I know what happens when they are about to die. My kidneys aren't working right, my swelling is getting worse, the uric acid will build up. I just don't think he will be able to turn things around this time."

"Let's give the medicine a little more time, it's only been a few hours," I said pleading with him.

"Don't go your chemo treatment tomorrow, I'm going to need you here," he said.

"We can make that decision in the morning, right now, let's just focus on you getting better, okay?"

"It's been a good run, Boogie, we've had a good life, two beautiful girls, great friends. Don't think I could have asked for anyone to have been any better to me and you know I love you. You've sure gone above and beyond the past few months," he said.

"I wish I could have done more for you. You know I love you so much," I said.

"I know you do, I have never doubted that," he said.

Sometimes, during his illness, it seemed as though all I did was hurt him. Changing bandages, giving meds, draining his Pleurx catheter, flushing PICC lines, things that had to be done that most of the time involved pain. But they had to be done. Even the mundane rituals like brushing his teeth were painful. He had horrid sores on his tongue and gums. Just looking at them made me hurt, but he never complained and did his best to brush. And being the medical wimp that I am, it was sometimes difficult for me to do some of these things and John knew that. But it was even more difficult for him, but he never complained. He always thanked me for any task that I had done and though he wasn't able to help me any more, he would tell me to get the lotion and come sit by him and he would do the only things he was still able to do, rub lotion on my hands or feet. Chemotherapy can cause neuropathy in your hands and feet. John and I both had that, though John's was much worse than mine due to his swelling. It is exacerbated by a lot of walking or standing. Apparently, the medications given will leak out in the extremities and cause nerve endings to be impacted....and not in a good way. It is actually very common. Thankfully, mine would diminish some as time passed between treatments, though it never completely goes away. John's stayed constant and he was beginning to lose feeling in his feet. That caused him to be unsteady and I insisted he use the walker when he would get up.

We sat there holding hands, tears rolling down our cheeks, looking out the window. What do you say?

To be continued....
PCQ

PCMH - Continued

2010-11-29T21:34:00.003-05:00

John was whisked away to his room with me and Lauren in tow. When we arrived on the floor, it was quiet, but the first person we saw was Darryl, one of his nurses on a prior visit. We called him Darryl and his other brother Darryl, from an old TV show, The Bob Newhart Show. Didn't take long before we were in the room....though getting his bed in took a bit of maneuvering due to the poor room design. Think I could have done a better design on one of my bad days.

Anyway, just as we were starting to make our nest, we were told the whole unit was moving that day. It was now, Monday, November 1st, and the Oncology ward was being moved to the Heart Institute so it could get a much needed renovation. Was I happy? Yes, but my biggest concern was making sure John was taken care of during this move and transition. So easy for little things to fall between the cracks when there are distractions. And a M.A.S.H. style move would be a major distraction.

By now it was nearly 5 a.m. The room was small and there was only one chair that would recline, so Lauren grabbed a pillow and blanket and went looking for a quiet place to rest. John was comfortable in a real bed. The beds in the ER are smaller and less accommodating, but they allow for the needs of the ER. I took a blanket and pillow and did my best to get comfy in the one chair in the room. I was by the window and as I lay there saying my prayers, I looked out across the parking lot. With the street lights, I could see people walking to their cars, delivery trucks coming and going. The world was getting ready to wake up. As I watched and thought, it occurred to me, I didn't know where Lauren went. Suppose something happens and I need to find her right away? I quietly got up and wandered down the hall to the rooms that were once the oncology waiting rooms and conference areas. They were all empty and dark in anticipation of the move. Finally, through a window I caught a glimpse of a crumpled, while blanket with a wisp of red hair falling out over the pillow. I'd found my baby and she seemed to be asleep.

I went back to the room. John was still quiet so I gently slipped back into my chair, arranged my pillow and blanket and drifted off to sleep. Didn't take long for the quiet to be interrupted. I mean we were in the hospital, and it is no place to get rest. Darryl was checking to make sure everything was ready for the move. He rummaged through the cabinets, unhooked some stuff from the walls, and piled it all on John's bed. Then off he went. I looked at John, "If you need to go to the bathroom, you'd best do it soon before you are completely covered with hospital equipment."

Lauren came in and went over to the chair by the window. "Can I crash here a bit, they are moving stuff in the hallway and I couldn't get back to sleep." "Sure, go ahead and rest, I have a few emails to send," I said.

There was a small chair on the other side of John's bed, so I sat there. Soon, Lauren was napping in the chair. The morning sun was picking up the red highlights in her hair. I couldn't help but notice John. He was laying in the bed looking at her. She did look so sweet cuddled there. I guess as parents, we are lucky enough to have all those wonderful memories stored away of when they were small and needed us so much. Looking at her resting, it was almost like a flashback to 30 years ago when she was still our "little girl". But now she is an adult, teaching other adults at the university, and we are so proud of her. But I looked at John. He just stared at her. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but thought it best to let him enjoy looking at his baby.

Breakfast trays were soon delivered, the day began. John's doctor came by and talked with us. He was changing some medications and would check back later in the day and he left. Lauren was not happy with the questions I asked and the answers I received. I encouraged her to go find him and clear up her concerns. And she did. She was upset, her dad was sick and she wanted to know more. John and I certainly understood her frustration. Guess we were conditioned to all of this, we had been going non stop, bombarded by things that had to be done, decisions that had to be made, learning all we could, and we didn't like any of it either. Makes you want to wrap yourself up in the tin foil of life and hope it will protect you. Life is quite different when you step into the "cancer world". You just look at things, react to things, differently. You don't have any other choice.

Before long, the move began. Our wagon was being pulled again.

To be continued....
PCQ

PCMH

2010-11-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

It was 12:00 midnight and we were on our way to the hospital. When we drove away, I usually look at the house and hope I will bring John back safe and sound soon. Strange, that night I didn't look.

John was doing okay on the way to the hospital and other than a HP traffic stop at the Greene-Pitt County line, all went well. When we stopped, Lauren was rummaging through my purse trying to find my license. I thought about telling the officer it was an emergency and we were on our way to the hospital, but I didn't know if that would create more drama, so I just dug out my license and started to hand it to him. Before I got it completely out, he said, "I see them Ms. Adams, you can go on." Lauren said to me, "He must have known who you are, you didn't even get your license all the way out of the holder." It didn't matter, all I wanted to do was get my baby to the hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital, Lauren ran in and told them we needed help getting John out. Two burly men appeared and in no time, John was in a wheelchair headed to the ER. I parked the car and rushed inside. Lauren was giving them his information, John had already been taken to the ER. Once I came in, I was directed to a lady to finish his check in. I hadn't had to do this before, so I was a little flummoxed by why I had to do it now. "We just left this morning," I said, when she asked me for our address. She entered it and then asked for phone number and other information. I queried her again, "You should have all of this information, we just checked out this morning." She asked me about who our insurance was with and if finally occurred to me, she has the wrong person pulled up. After getting that all straightened out, I rushed back to be with John and Lauren.

The ER swat team had already started. Taking temperature, blood pressure, blood samples, (again, they were happy he had a PICC line, saves them lots of work), swabbing Mersa samples from his nose, doing X-Rays, getting information into the system, hooking him up to an EKG machine and putting those awful little sticky receptors on. John was doing well giving them his vitals and as before, he would ask about our friend, Jonsie, a nurse there. But she was on vacation to the islands, he had forgotten.

Before long, the initial frenzy was over, now we wait for the blood tests, x-ray results, and anything else. They had put John on 100% oxygen and it had eased his labored breathing and we all sat there looking at each other. One of the nurses came in, it was a "he", very personable and smart. John was in good hands.

But it was Halloween, where were all the crazies we thought we would see? About that time, a stretcher goes by with a young man with face paint on. Guess it was starting. "We thought this place would be a zoo tonight, where is everyone?" I said. "Won't start till around 2:30 a.m. when all the bars close. We have about 20 doctors and medical personnel stationed at strategic locations downtown to try and get some of them helped before they come to the hospital," he said. "With Halloween being on Sunday night, it may be a little better, we had quite a few in here last night."

John was resting comfortably now, so to entertain ourselves, Lauren and I kept watch for 'trick or treaters'.

Before long, the doctor came in with the test results. Nothing major to report, potassium levels were a little off, x-ray looked good, heart okay. Starting prednisone, an antibiotic as he could be developing pneumonia, get a breathing treatment, maybe some Lasix to help with swelling in his legs and feet, major issue was his oxygen level. Of course now, his levels were good, but he was on 100% oxygen. Not good, would need to that down to a normal level.

By now it was nearly 4 a.m., time flies when you are having fun. They told us he would be assigned to a room soon.....in the "ghetto ward'. Unfortunately, the oncology or cancer ward, was in the old section of the hospital. The staff there is wonderful, but the rooms are small and ill designed. So, after John's first hospital stay in the new and very impressive Heart Institute...our tax money at work, I might add, we were spoiled. Moving from the large, well appointed rooms at the Heart Institute (the Palace is the name given by staff) to the Oncology Ward was like going from the executive suite at the Marriott to Motel 6, no comparison. So, we had started calling it affectionately, the "ghetto ward". His doctors even teased him and called it that too. But, we would have a room for him and maybe everyone could rest.

To be continued....
PCQ

Songs

2010-11-20T11:26:00.008-05:00

It is impressive how songs can instantly transport us back to a happy or sad time. Not all songs, just special ones.

That happened to me yesterday.

It started out a little shaky as I wasn't feeling well. Lots of nausea on Thursday and didn't sleep well. Leslie was coming with her two ankle biters and I was so excited about the visit, but, would I feel good enough to have fun with them? I deliberated calling her to postpone the date, but, I decided it would be best to just stay on course and if I wasn't feeling any better when they arrived, Leslie would understand.

We had a wonderful visit, no crying from me or the children. We had a great time, eating lunch, making stuff, and looking at photos from summer. I really surprised myself. We even watched a video with John getting the dog's ball out from under the pier on our pond. Soon, they had to leave.

Later, friends came over to bring a chair. Another good time, good memories.

Then the phone rang, let's have dinner at O'Cool's tonight. Sure, see you there. Would I be able to go and not cry the whole time? Friday nights at O'Cool's had been something John and I had enjoyed with friends many times. This would be my first time without him. Luckily, there were lots of friends there and everyone had so many stories and things to share, I managed to make it through the evening with no major episode.

But on the way home, listening to the Oldies station and Stevie Wonder came on singing, "Yester me, Yester you, Yesterday". You can listen and cry along with me at the link below.

Stevie Wonder Singing "Yesterday"

As soon as the first note played, the tears welled up in my eyes. The song made me miss John so much. I was instantly transported back to the day we found out about his cancer and how dire our situation was. It was a beautiful sunny, fall, day. John was driving home, "the back way", as I call it, so I could see the big field of sunflowers. He knew it made me happy to ride by and see those little yellow heads, all pointing in the same direction as the sun, hence the name, Sunflowers. (Also, did you know when they mature, they stop turning and all point east?)

We were both quiet, thinking about what we had just heard, trying to take it all in. Stevie Wonder's song came on the radio. I have always loved Stevie Wonder. He was born less than a month before me and his songs define my high school and college days. Can't hear his old songs without a flood of memories.....and so it was that day. But the song took on a different meaning this time. Every word, every line seemed to say what I was feeling. What happened to....the world we knew....

What happened to the world we knew
When we would dream and scheme
And while the time away
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday

Where did it go that yester glow
When we could feel
The wheel of life turn our way
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday

I had a dream so did you life
Was warm and love was true
Two kids who followed all the rules
Yester folls and now

Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we used to play
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday

When I recall what we had
I feel lost I feel sad with nothing but
The memory of yester love and now
Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we had to play

Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Sing with me
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
One more time....

As the song played on the radio, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned my head to look out the window so John wouldn't see me crying. The sun was bright and I tried so hard to be strong but Stevie's words were wrapping around my heart and I knew my life...our life, was in for a big change, one I didn't like. I could see the future I imagined with John melting away.

I reached over and touched John's big strong arm. "I love you," I said. He looked at me and saw the tears. "I know you do, Sweetheart, I've never doubted that. I love you, too." He gently wiped a tear coming down my cheek. "We'll make it through all of this, don't you worry," he said.

Soon we rounded the corner and there were the sunflowers. All smiling at me. Yes, the world would go on. The sun will come up tomorrow, but I will never forget the love I saw in his eyes.

But "when I recall, I had a dream, so did you, was warm and love was true....I feel lost...I feel sad....yester me, yester you, yesterday."

PCQ

Tears

2010-11-18T18:55:00.001-05:00

It doesn't take much to make me cry. Keep thinking it will get better and I am sure it will, just hasn't happened yet.

It's little things that before would not have even brought on a sigh....now bring tears. John's toothbrush, his sunglasses on the dash of the car, all seemingly insignificant before, but not now.

I was in Snow Hill yesterday when our friendly UPS man saw me. He stopped and jumped out of the truck and came to greet me. He gave me a hug, said he was so sorry and told me what a wonderful man John was. Luckily, he was back in his brown truck and on to his next stop before he saw my tears.

PCQ

Halloween

2010-11-16T20:10:00.002-05:00

Sunday was Halloween. Lauren was sure we would have a few trick or treaters that night. She asked if we had any candy to give out on the way to the hospital to get John. He had already sent me a text saying, "Come get me out of here." We were on our way.

He was checked out and home by early afternoon and before long, we were all napping. In retrospect, that afternoon nap turned out to be very important. Don't know how I would have made it through the next few days if I hadn't been able to get some rest that day.

The Pittsburgh Steelers were on Sunday Night Football. We have been Steelers fans since Lauren lived in Pittsburgh during graduate school at Carnegie Mellon. Pittsburgh is a great city and you can't embrace it properly without falling into the Steelers culture..... and they had those wonderful Super Bowl wins! Pittsburgh was playing the New Orleans Saints and it was Halloween. What a great game to watch with all the folks dressed up, I mean it is New Orleans and it doesn't take much to start a party in that city.

About half way through the game, John said he didn't feel right. I got the thermometer, he wasn't running a fever, wasn't even up to normal. I put the pressure cuff on on him....his blood pressure was a little low but not out of range. "Something is wrong, I don't know what it is but I just don't feel right," he said, "I think I need to go to the hospital." I was confused. We had just gotten home from the hospital. Everything was fine. The doctors all told him he was doing good. "Are you in pain?" I asked. "No, I just don't feel right, when I breathe, I don't seem to be able to get enough oxygen in," he said. "Well, I don't think we should go to the hospital without more symptoms," I said. Lauren and I scurried around trying to do things to make him feel better, but nothing worked. Finally, it occurred to me, John never complained and if his body was telling him something was wrong, then something must be really wrong. He wanted me to call the doctor, but I told him, we didn't have to call the doctor, if he thought he needed to go to the hospital, then all we had to do was get in the truck and go. During all of this, he seemed to be getting weaker and his blood pressure was dropping. Lauren and I rushed about, getting things in place before leaving.

We were ready to leave, but John couldn't stand up. His legs and feet had swollen even more and made the neuropathy worse. We tried to get him up but it wasn't working, his legs were just too weak to hold him. I was really concerned now. We pulled out the computer chair again, somehow managed to get him in it, and rolled him out to the back deck. I had pulled the Tahoe around to the steps by the back porch. We had him at the steps, but his legs just weren't strong enough to hold him. What were we going to do? Lauren and I could try to get him down, but I'm not supposed to strain my back because of the location of the tumor on my spine. And we didn't want to let him fall and cause more problems than we already were facing. We were in a pickle and we just stopped and looked at one another.

It was 11:30 and too late to call neighbors to help. Our only option now was to call 911. So I did. Thankfully, they arrived in about 10 minutes. While we were waiting, I was getting the dogs locked up in the laundry room so they wouldn't be a problem. Lauren was looking after John, making sure he was warm and in as little distress as possible. When our helpers, Shannon and Michael arrived, they assessed the situation and said they had a "stair chair" that would be perfect. Basically, they got John into the thin chair, which has wheels in all the right places, and strapped him in. Down the steps he went with ease.

I told them we could ferry him to the hospital and save them some gas and time. All we needed was help getting him in the Tahoe. So, that was our next challenge. But this was not their first rodeo and they got John right up beside the vehicle, worked out their plan and next thing we knew, he was sitting in the front seat ready to go. John teased them and said, "Bet I'm the biggest thing you have lifted today." Michael replied quickly, "You are the lightest patient I have picked up today, believe it or not. Most everyone has been way too heavy."

We thanked them for being so courteous and caring and sent them on their way. Next stop for us....after freeing the puppies from the laundry room, PCMH.

PCQ

Checking In

2010-11-14T19:04:00.004-05:00

We got checked in to the Emergency Room around 3:30 and John was whisked away while I finished the paperwork. By now, I have learned their SWAT team routine; get him assigned to a room, assess the situation, hook up to EKG, get vitals, listen to heart and breathing, get X-Rays, take blood, start oxygen (depending on situation) and start an IV. Of course, I was slurping on my milkshake during all of this....and yes, John helped me with it.

Doesn't take them too long to determine what may be the issue du jour. Today, obviously, the excessive heart rate was something that had to be dealt with, but was there anything else going on? The rapid heart rate had happened before, so I was prepared for the procedure. Basically what happens is this, they hook him up to several machines and then injected a drug into his IV that would shock the heart into a proper cadence. The doctor told him his heart would "feel" like it was stopping, but it wouldn't, and it would only take approximately 20 seconds. At least that is what he said. About 15 people were in the small room watching the procedure. Apparently, this must be something that isn't done very often and it was a learning experience.

As the drug was administered, I placed my hand around John's. I could see the monitor and was watching the heart rate, still around 160. It took only 3 or 4 seconds before the heart rate dropped like a rock and settled around 85. As soon as it was over, the doctor asked John if he was okay. "Sure," he said, "it was like going over the big drop on a roller coaster." After John's heart rate stabilized, everyone cleared out except the nurse.

John being John, figured the mechanic had fixed the car and it was time to pay up and go home. But, the doctor told him he would like to keep him overnight just to monitor his condition and if all went well, he would be released first thing Sunday morning. So, off he goes to the Heart Center for the night. John saw this as an opportunity for PCMH to fill their coffers and an empty bed for the night, but, he did make the decision to stay.

During all of this, I had been communicating with Lauren on her flight from St. Louis. She had a long lay over in Charlotte and was scheduled to arrive at PGV airport around 11:30 that night. Luckily, she signed up for standby and was able to get on an earlier flight and was due in around 9:15. That was great news, she would be able to spend more time with John. He wanted me to leave soon cause the flights are usually early into Greenville, so, while John was being whisked to his room in the Heart Center, I scurried over to the airport to retrieve my baby girl, and yes, the flight was early, just like John said. John asked me to pick up a Wendy's hamburger and fries while I was out, so after picking her up, we stopped and got him a burger. He sent us a text and let us know he was in Room 517. It was a joyous reunion, Lauren was home, John was feeling good and we sat on the bed with him, talked, and munched on our goodies from Wendy's.

Soon, it was time to go home. It was late, he was doing fine, and John needed his rest. And if all went well, he would be home tomorrow.

PCQ

Remembering

2010-11-13T10:30:00.005-05:00

I write this to remember. It has been a difficult journey and I know it will be harder without John's big, strong, hands holding me up. John always made me feel special....his "bride".

Saturday started as a beautiful day. John and I had lots of things that needed to be done because Lauren was flying in from St. Louis that evening. Though he was having trouble with swelling in his legs and feet, his health seemed to be improving. The mass in his lung had decreased by 3 cm., a significant change, and his breathing was so much better. I hadn't said much about all of that on the blog as he wanted to tell Meredith and Lauren himself...to finally be able to give them some good news.

I was in the garage working on getting the furnace closet in order. Yes, our furnace had to be replaced during all of this. John had it serviced when the weather changed and the inspector told him there was a CO2 leak in the unit and he had to shut it down until it was repaired. Luckily, we have two separate units, one for each end of the house.....and, the weather cooperated, we didn't have any cold weather during the installation process. The new unit was installed and completed that Friday. "Don't pay for the furnace till the inspector comes and says everything has been installed properly," he said.

Fall Saturdays are football days and John already had his line up. A beautiful, crisp, day and plenty of good football. Only thing that could possibly make it better for him was to be with friends at the river. But Lauren was coming and he was already planning dinner for her on Sunday.

Saturday afternoon, while I was working on getting the furnace closet clean and back in order, John came to the door and said he felt like his heart was beating too fast, would I come check it? We have a blood pressure cuff and it will give the heart rate also. I sat down with him and put the cuff on. 158 beats per minute! What was going on? I tried it again, 163. A normal range is around 60-70 beats per minute when resting. I called the doctor, he thought maybe John was dehydrated and it was causing his heart to work harder. "Have him drink plenty of fluids and continue to monitor his heart rate. If it hasn't slowed within an hour, call me. We may need to get him to the hospital," the doctor said. John was having problems with staying hydrated, so I lined the Gatorade up and he started chugging. Maybe that would do it, but I was still worried.

John had several chores on the farm that needed to be completed and once something was on his mind, it had to be done. Checque helped on the farm as needed and stopped by after lunch to check in. Poor Checque, in broken English, he asked how John was doing and I just fell apart, tears and sobbing. He stood there seemingly helpless, but wanting to do something. He wanted to see John, but I told him John didn't feel well. He comforted me and said he would come back soon.

I tried not to worry while we waited, but there was fear, his heart couldn't continue at this intense rate. We periodically checked his heart rate and nothing changed. After an hour, we called the doctor again and off we go to the hospital.

While driving to the emergency room, I had a craving for a milkshake, we had missed lunch. John had been drinking lots of shakes the past few days because they soothed his throat, had lots of calories, and were just plain good. All of which he needed since having the radiation to his throat and chest. So, when he got one, I did too. And I really wanted one. "Go on and get a milkshake, 2 more minutes won't make a difference," he said. So we quickly zipped through McDonald's and I got a vanilla milkshake. As soon as we drove out, he laughed and said, "I can't wait to tell everybody we were on our way to the Emergency Room, my heart racing, and you went to McDonald's drive thru for a milkshake."

To be continued....
PCQ

John Quincy Adams V

2010-11-04T09:52:00.001-04:00

John Quincy Adams V

August 3, 1949 – November 2, 2010

John Quincy Adams, V, a wonderful father, husband, and brother passed away peacefully on the evening of November 2, 2010, surrounded by family and friends.

John’s life was cut short by cancer, but the years he lived were rich and full. He walked the Great Wall of China, had dinner in Cuba with Castro, was entertained at the White House, traveled with the President of Mexico and played a mean Bocce ball game. John could never be still and was always ready to serve and get the job done.

He was an active member of the Greene County Extension Service Advisory Board for 18 years, a 4-H leader, and recently named to the NC Extension Advisory Board. He received the Governor’s Award for community service and the NC Outstanding Pork Producer Award. John served as a NC Barbeque Judge, one of the first to be appointed and recognized. Later, he became a Certifier of New BBQ Judges, and was instrumental in laying the groundwork for the certification process for BBQ judges in North Carolina.

John served on the N C Pork Council as a board of director for nearly 30 years and was president of the N.C. Pork Council (1987). He was also a member of the N. C. Ag Advancement Consortium (2002-present) U.S. Meat Export Federation Board of Directors (2002-2008), appointed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture secretary to director of National Pork Board and a member of the N.C. State University Ag Foundation Board (2010), Eastern Food Board of Directors (1994-1998).

Calvary Memorial United Methodist Church was his church home and he loved everyone there and so appreciated the kindness shown to him during his illness.

John loved NC State University and graduated in 1971. He was an active member of the Greene County community since moving to Snow Hill in 1975 from his home county of Beaufort. His many friends will remember him for being quick to laugh, smile, and always ready to roast a pig on special occasions. He loved to cook bacon, or “pig candy” as he called it, for hours at the beach so everyone could have that cherished BLT on the porch overlooking the ocean!

John was a loving husband, father, and brother, who is survived by his wife of 35 years, Patricia Lee Adams of Snow Hill, and his daughters, Meredith Adams, Executive Chef of Eurasia Café in Mt. Pleasant, SC and Lauren Adams, Assistant Professor at Washington University, in St. Louis, MO. His nickname, given by his girls, was “Daddy Wild Root” and would always sign correspondence, “DWR”. He is also survived by his sister, Barbara Adams of Washington, NC; Gale Mayberry and husband, Wally Mayberry; brother, Harry Adams, Jr. and wife, Dianna; a very special mother-in-law, Geraldine Lee, that he loved dearly, especially her fried chicken and cornbread; brother in law, Parlie Lee Jr., and wife Kim; sister in law, Michelle Lee Barbour and husband, Michael. Dear nieces and nephews include, Brandon Barbour, Madison Barbour, Pamela Lee, Preston Lee, and Stephanie Hale. He was preceded in death by his father, Harry Adams, and mother, Margaret Wood Adams.

A memorial service will be held on Saturday, November 6, at 11:00 am at Calvary Memorial with visitation immediately following the service in the Fellowship Hall.

Though flowers are appreciated, we would like for donations to be made to the NC Cooperative Extension, 229 Kingold Blvd, Snow Hill NC 28580, “John Quincy Adams V Agriculture Scholarship”, or to the building fund at Calvary Memorial United Methodist Church, PO Box 445, Snow Hill, NC, 28580.

John

2010-11-02T22:39:00.003-04:00

My sweet baby passed away today. I cannot tell you the hurt I feel.

Pulling my wagon alone now....
PCQ

Last Radiation Treatment

2010-10-30T14:17:00.000-04:00

John had his last radiation treatment on Monday. It was actually a bit of a surprise cause I thought he was scheduled for several more. Dr. Ballenger, his radiologist, was very pleased with the progress she had made. Her mission was to zap the growth that was strangling one of the main trunks to his lungs so it would allow for good air flow. Prior to all of this, when John would breathe, there was a gurgling sound. Since the radiation (and chemo) started, that has gone away and his lungs now sound really good. Can we relax....well, no. Cancer is sort of like the bad guy in one of those horror films. He gets shot, head cut off, blown up, cut, and buried, but somehow, he manages to come back and scare the BeeJesus out of you. That's what it is like. You know it is still out there. Cancer, the true horror film!

But, all in all, he is doing remarkably well....considering everything he is dealing with. He is really having trouble eating and drinking now that the radiation has burned his esophagus. That will continue for two weeks after the last radiation treatment and then the healing process starts. But, always remember, when other things start healing, so does the cancer. And it will get what it needs first.

I didn't realize till we talked with Dr. Ballenger how sneaky cancer really is. She told us cancer releases an enzyme when you eat that tells the brain you are full. "We've had plenty thanks....don't need any more food". But, what is really happening, the cancer cells grab the first calories, release the enzyme to say we are full, and the rest of the body goes without and gradually starves. That is why one of the first questions someone is asked when cancer may be involved is, "Have you lost weight recently?"

John has lost some weight. I keep thinking a lot of it is from all the procedures he has endured. Seems as though every one of them is always scheduled early in the day, but never get done till way late! He goes without food and drink from 12 the night before till after the procedure is complete. So, he should have lost some from that.

But anyway, that is where we are, waiting for the healing to start on his throat. Life is pretty tough when you can't eat or drink with any pleasure. Take my word for it.

Wagon still moving....
PCQ

NC State Fair

2010-10-26T15:23:00.001-04:00

I didn't get to go to the State Fair this year. Really sorry about that, but, it just couldn't be helped. And, to tell the truth, I do the same things every year. But this year, the attendance broke the one million mark and I am sorry that I wasn't one of the clicks on the turnstile that helped break that record.

Growing up, I always went to the fair. Sort of took it for granted. Anyone who lives in North Carolina, needs to go to the fair, but I never realized what a great fair we have till our girls were showing horses and we ended up at horse shows at other state fairs. Wow, we are so lucky. Most state fairs are pretty wimpy, but not ours. It is just too much fun.

Several years ago, I decided I was old enough to do what I wanted to do, and thought spending a week working at the state fair would be fun. So, I set about finding a job. Didn't take me long. Before I knew it, I had the grand job of handing out free samples of Neese's Liver Pudding! (It is called liver mush in some places.) All the liver pudding I could possibly want, plus, I got in free, and was paid to do it! How cool is that? I also discovered the underground economy at the fair. You give me some maple cotton candy and I'll trade you a pound of liver pudding. Done deal!

I loved being at the fair. But it was hard work. It is amazing how many people actually LIKE liver pudding and don't think their fair visit is complete until they have been by the Neese's booth and grabbed a few samples of the puddin'. And with thousands of people going to the fair every day, that adds up to a lot of liver pudding being dished out!

Got to make new friends while I was there too. Even allowed me an invitation to be a SPAM judge. Yes, the state fair has a SPAM cooking contest and believe it or not, people enter it.

So, put that on my list of "Certified to DO!" North Carolina State Fair SPAM judge.....the joys of life.

PCQ

Busy Week

2010-10-18T16:29:00.000-04:00

John has had a busy week. And if John has had a busy week, I have too. During this past week, he has had radiation every day, three days of blood tests and X-Rays, two trips to outpatient services at the hospital to get a total of 4 units of blood and one unit of platelets. Thankfully, Friday's blood test said he was full of joy juice and all his numbers were great.

Thursday, I took a partial day off of taking care of John and went to the ECU Women's Roundtable at the Greenville Convention Center with my friend, Ann. The purpose of the event is to raise money for ECU scholarships. It was a grand conference.

Our friend, Tony, stepped up and took on my responsibilities for the day, with regard to John. The conference started at 9 a.m. Tony picked John up around noon and took him to his radiation appointment, and then lunch. Afterwards, he took John to PCMH Outpatient Services to get his last two units of blood. I joined them there.

Earlier that day, I was enjoying the wonderful speakers at the conference. Of course, my favorite was Jeanne Robertson, humorist speaker and past (tallest by the way) Miss North Carolina, who spoke after lunch. She is a hoot and you can view her Bungee Jump speech she did for us at the link below. Given all that I have had going on recently, it was nice to enjoy the day with my friend and have a few belly laughs....I really needed that.

Jeanne Robertson's Bungee Jump

Here's a photo of me and Jeanne Robertson with urinals behind us. The convention center had converted the men's rooms into women's rooms for the conference since mostly women were attending. When I went into the "Ladies' Room" before lunch, Jeanne Robertson, was in front of me and she looked at me and said, "Now who are you?" We started talking and I told her coincidentally, I had just viewed her Pound Cake video on YouTube the weekend before when my daughter, Lauren, was home. I told her my husband had been sick and my dear friend Joan had brought one of her mother, Cleo's, pound cakes to us. We laughed about pound cakes and sick people and she said, "So many people have told me they have heard my pound cake story, I don't think I will do that one today. Think I'll do the Bungee Jump." I didn't tell her I had just viewed that one recently too. "You know," she said, "we decided to put these on YouTube and we have had millions of hits. Who would have thought that many people would listen to clean humor?"

I grabbed my camera and asked if she would pose for a photo. "Sure," she said, "and make sure you get the urinals in the picture, cause years from now, when you are dead and gone, your children will be going through your photos and they will see this and say, 'What in the world was she doing in the men's bathroom?'" So, I got a friend to snap the photo above.

It was a fun day. But I did hear some startling statistics about women and money. Need to call our financial advisor and plan a meeting.

Wagon still rolling.
PCQ

Full Time Nurse

2010-10-12T11:05:00.001-04:00

Think I became a full time nurse today. At least it seems that way. John had an appointment at 1:30 to check his blood. Chemotherapy is deadly on blood cells....and we hope it is deadly on cancer cells too.

Today was two weeks since the first chemo with the new drugs. As we walk through all of this and learn, today was when things start to happen. Well, they have. John had been getting weaker since Sunday. We had such a great time while Lauren and Jake were home, he just kept going. But today, I could tell, he was losing steam, and losing it fast.

Before he had the blood check, he had a radiation appointment at 1 o'clock. We arrived at the radiation appointment a few minutes early. He was taken in right away and zap, he was finished and ready to meet with Dr. Ballenger. She always meets with patients at least once a week and today was the day. She talked about the cancer and how it was restricting air flow in John's lung. Radiation should allow better air flow soon. At least that is the plan. She noticed he was looking a little pale and asked that we bring a copy of the blood tests Dr. Lee would perform, so she could have the info on file.

The appointment with Dr. Lee was immediately following the radiation appointment, so off we go. My red headed girlfriend Watusi (with blonde highlights) was meeting us there to deliver a beautiful potted mum from our friend Mayhew. And it was beautiful....and now gracing our fireplace Halloween scene. Thanks Mayhew!

When we got to Dr. Lee's office, we were quickly taken to the "vampire room" for blood withdrawal. But, now that John has a 3 lead PICC line, (which was installed during his hospital stay to allow easier access for blood withdrawal and delivery of meds) the process has changed. We had to go to the chemo room for blood withdrawal. While I was there, I questioned them on my responsibilities of maintaining the PICC line. The 3 lines must be flushed daily and the dressing and caps changed weekly, they said.

When the home health folks came on Friday and Monday to train me and change the dressing, I was given different answers. My concerns are having been told different things by the home health folks that came to "train" me. When I ask a trained home health care professional a question that I think would be commonly asked, such as, "How often should the lines be flushed?" "I don't know," is not what I want to be told. After several more unanswered, or less than clear answers, I called our very competent nurses at Physician's East, in the chemo room. With both of us having chemo, we have come to know them all very well. Remember, I told you, it's like Cheers when we walk in.....everybody knows your name.

Anyway, they answered my questions and offered suggestions. I will make sure the highly trained "health care professionals" do their job correctly when they return this Friday! You can be assured my baby will have the care his is supposed to have.

Back to our original purpose, to get John's blood checked and X-Rays taken. Blood work showed low hemoglobin and very low platelet count. Platelets are those wonderful little fellas that cause your blood to clot. Not having enough is very dangerous if something happens, so, John is now scheduled for a blood and platelet transfusion on Tuesday at 1 p.m. While we were at Dr. Lee's office, they also took a blood sample that will be delivered to the hospital for cross matching so the correct type of blood will be infused. That process must be done each time he has a transfusion because, having a transfusion can change the chemistry of his blood. I didn't know that and I questioned why it had to be done everytime. Seems as if you know what the blood type is, then, just hook him up and let'r rip. Not quite that simple. As I said, this has been a big learning curve for us and I hope it helps some of you too. We can't all know everything, but we can learn more all the time.

So, we pull our wagon over to Pitt County Memorial Hospital to the Out Patient Services to get my baby gassed up with a few pints of "premium" soon. Hopefully, that will help him and his body continue to heal from the negative effects of the chemotherapy treatment.

Stay tuned...
PCQ

Lauren and Jake Were Home

2010-10-10T21:14:00.002-04:00

Has been a wonderful weekend. My daughter Lauren, and her partner/boyfriend, Jake, flew in from St. Louis Thursday morning for the weekend. Lauren had visited with us the weekend before when John was still in the hospital, but it was good to have her back and enjoy her at home, away from the stress associated with a hospital stay.

Jake stopped off with her at the end of August, when they were flying back from their two month stay in Paris. Jake has an internet business and luckily, that does allow him some flexibility with work. With a laptop, phone and internet, he can set up his office. Doesn't make it easy, but somehow, he manages it very well. He is such a sweet and loving young man. His mother and father should be very proud of him. But, I know they already are.

Lauren had sent an email earlier in the week requesting a list of things we needed to have done around the house. Most all of us have a 'job jar' that stays full of chores that need to be completed. Most don't have to be done right away, but it sure feels better when they are. With all we have had on our plate the past few weeks, my job list was long and Lauren and Jake immediately began getting them all checked off.

First on the list was, filling holes in the yard. Our sweet Lab, Holden, was successful a few times this summer in finding voles and moles in the yard and that was a very good thing. I was ever so proud of him and made a really big deal when he presented me with the dead critters he had found. Apparently, that praise is highly sought by him, cause now, he digs all over the yard looking for 'something' to bring me. So there are holes all around. When John was feeling better, that was one of his tasks each day, walk around and fill Holden's holes. I was taking care of it for a while, but the hospital stay interrupted our daily patrol. So, Holden had gotten ahead of us with all of his "search holes". Jake set about getting those filled and properly hidden. Most were easily seen, but I was worried about the safety of someone coming to visit after dark. They may not know Holden was working hard to provide me with a "Mole Free Zone" and could take a tumble.

Like I said, my list was long. Nothing that had to be done, but things that made me feel much better when they were done. And neither of them complained. They took the list, checked them all off one by one, and actually seemed to enjoy the physical and mental activity of seeing how much better things looked after they were done.

Windows washed - done
Garbage removed - done
Burned out flood light - done
Pine straw replaced - done
Garage cleaned - done
Plants repotted - done
Dogs brushed - done
Holes filled - done
Dead limbs picked up and removed - done
Hummingbird feeders taken down and cleaned - done
and the list goes on.....

(Oh yeah....and the most important thing, Jake fixed my living room television. While John was in the hospital, the sound just disappeared. Thought I had hit the wrong button on the remote, but no. Appears the sound card was bad. So he googled it, and sound came spilling out of the speakers. Amazing how much better television is with sound.)

How thankful I am to have such a wonderful caring daughter....and her fine boyfriend selection, Jake. What a great weekend we all had together, enjoying the beautiful October weather. There is no doubt in my mind, that John feels so much better having them here, busy, laughing, and working. I know I do. Working to reduce the stress we sometimes feel from not being able to get chores around the house done.

Lauren and Jake pulled hard on our little red wagon this weekend and that was a very good thing. Oh how I miss them so.

PCQ

Update on John

2010-10-07T18:10:00.000-04:00

John was home from the hospital just a few days before he began to feel very weak again. After visiting his doctor, it was determined his hemoglobin was extremely low from the chemotherapy treatment and he needed a blood transfusion. Since that time, he has had the transfusion and several other procedures. I will update soon.

Just wanted everyone to know, John is back home after another exciting visit to Pitt County Memorial Hospital, and doing well. He is weak, but getting better every day. (I think we have enough points now to get at least one night free, or an upgrade, if we have to go back!)

Wagon still rolling. But couldn't have done it without all the prayers and faithful help pushing.

PCQ

Waiting

2010-09-29T04:52:00.004-04:00

After several tests, X-Ray, EKG (before and after the heart rate change), it was decided that John should be kept for observation and referral to a cardiac specialist to make sure there was nothing going on with his heart. So, with all systems now purring like a kitten, we waited. Being in the ER is always exciting. Someone across the way was diagnosed with Tuberculosis and they had to immediately whisk them off to isolation. As I said, never a dull moment.

I got a text from our young friend, Leslie, asking about the procedure. She was concerned when I told her what was going on and immediately came to the hospital. Leslie is a physical therapist and has been a big help during all of this, offering suggestions and using her, "phone a friend" practice to get any information we might need to make things better for John.

On her way over, she stopped and picked up pimento cheese sandwiches for us from the Bread Lady and chili and a Frosty from Wendy's. John's tank was running a little low as he hadn't had anything since dinner the night before. We gobbled the food right up and again, waited for a room. It wasn't long before John was taken to the North Tower to his room....and as requested, room with a view. And what a view it was. We looked directly over the East Care helicopter landing site, and with 3 helicopters, there was always activity.

By now, all of John's vitals were good, but we got word that it would probably be Monday before the procedure could be done. John was devastated. He had things at work he needed to do and sitting around in a hospital, tethered to a heart monitor was not in the plan. We were supposed to be home by now, another rock in the road.

During all of this, I was texting and on the phone with our girls. The ER has terrible AT&T reception, but will allow a text to go through, so that became our means of communication until he was in his room. No problem there....must be that big window we had!

Soon, Dr. White came by. She is a dear friend of Leslie's and happened to be on call that weekend for John's oncologist. After looking over the results from the tests, she called to see if John could be scheduled for Saturday morning. After several telephone tags, she told us they would not do his procedure unless it was an emergency, or unless someone else had an emergency and they brought in staff. If the staff came in, then John could have his done too. So, he went into NPO after midnight Friday, sorry that someone might have to have the emergency procedure, but hoping if they did, he could be served.

I got to the hospital early that morning. Dr. White didn't come till around 9 or so and checked again on status. We talked about options and decided if there was no emergency by 12 lunchtime, John would eat and we would just plan on getting it done on Monday. The morning ticked by slowly and soon it was 11:45. Our window of opportunity was closing quickly and I had already started making plans for going out to get John something to eat if his hospital tray wasn't what he wanted.

While talking, in comes his nurse. They had just called from downstairs, there was an emergency and they would be able to get John in before they left. It was going to happen today! The nurse was already getting his file together and since all the consent forms were signed Friday, all we had to do was get downstairs. In a few minutes, the transport crew was knocking on the door and away we go!

Thankfully, this time, all went well and he was back in the room within an hour, feeling sore, but much better after removing the nearly 2 liters accumulated fluid and inserting the "spigot". Now John was really hungry, but he had to wait about an hour before eating to make sure everything was okay. The hospital tray had come and it was a beef on a bun. Sort of tasted like ribs and was actually pretty good. He ate part of it and then realized, maybe he should just hold off on eating too much and was soon asleep. It was good to see him resting peacefully, even though I knew he would be sore from the insert. At least, we were on the road to getting the fluid situation under control. The doctor told us, that after the spigot is put in, for some reason, the fluid will usually stop accumulating in about 70% of patients. Hopefully, we will be in that group, but if not, we will handle that too.

The NC State Wolfpack was playing football Saturday afternoon against Georgia Tech in Atlanta. And they WON!!! That only added to the good day we were already having.

Around 5:30, the dinner trays were brought and they offered an extra tray to me. Of course, I could eat with my baby and that is exactly what we did. He sat in the chair and we opened the bedside table to accommodate both trays and we had a lovely dinner of salad, BBQ chicken breast, rice, corn, and a brownie for dessert. It was actually pretty good, but was especially good to sit across from my sweetheart and know he was getting better in our room with a view!

Sunday morning when Dr. White came by to check on John, we asked if he could go home. Everything looked good, so she checked us out and off we went......just like the little piggy in the Geico commercial, crying "WEE WEE WEE....all the way home!

PCQ

Pleurx Tube

2010-09-28T21:39:00.003-04:00

We were up at 5 a.m. Friday, so we could ready ourselves and be at the PCMH Outpatient Clinic by 6. We arrived in plenty of time, no traffic and plenty of parking near the entrance. When we arrived, we were checked in and quickly taken to the procedure room.

Since his diagnosis, he has had problems with fluid accumulation in his chest. He has had that fluid from beneath his left lung removed twice. A radiologist uses an ultrasound machine to locate the fluid. Then, they poke a hole, insert a vacuum tube and remove the fluid. Of course, this is a painful procedure that is done with local anesthetics. After the fluid is removed, he usually feels much better, but it can take time for the lungs to completely re-inflate. That is due to lung alveoli being compressed and beginning the process of growing together. It is the body's way of trying to repair itself.

After the second round of fluid removal, he then became eligible for a Pleurx drain. I will call it a 'spigot', because I will be able to turn it on and off. But anyway, back to Friday morning and plans to put the spigot in place. As I said, we arrived at 6 a.m. ready for the procedure. John hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the night before, as directed. By 9:30, we were still waiting! I went out to the main desk and checked to see if maybe they had forgotten about us...I mean, they did tell us to be there at 6! We did our part.

Around 10:00, they came to get John and wheeled him back to the operating room. I went with him and stayed till the surgeon came to answer any questions we might have. While waiting, we did get to chat with Dana. Dana is a dear friend of Katherine, sweet daughter of our friends, Charlie and Joan. We watched Dana grow up into a beautiful young lady and it was ever so nice to see her in a job that helps people.

John and I had talked to Dana and her husband at an ECU baseball game in the spring. Seems her husband works at the same hospital, with the same doctor, that John's mother, Margaret, who was a nurse, worked with many, many, years ago. John's mother died of breast cancer at the age of 58, in 1977, just before our oldest daughter, Meredith was born. I was so swollen and pregnant the day of her funeral, I could barely get shoes on and remember riding to the service in the back seat of the car that hot summer day with my feet propped up hoping they would not get any bigger.

Our short visit with Dana was soon over and John was taken in for the procedure. For this event, he would not be completely put to sleep, sort of in LaLa Land, like when you have a colonoscopy. So, I knew he would be back to the room in about an hour.

I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him, and rubbed his "monkey hair" (what I call his hair now that it has thinned from the chemo). Then back to the room to wait. In about 10 minutes, the doctor came in. I knew it was too soon for him to be back and I didn't like the look on her face. She told me, "There was a serious problem, something had gone terribly wrong and John's heartbeat had surged to 180 beats per minute. The procedure was put on hold and he had been whisked to the Emergency Room."

It took me a minute to process what she had just said. I was sitting there waiting for John to come back....fixed and ready to go home! All kinds of thoughts rushed through my mind.

She walked me over to ER and the well trained folks there were working on him and already administering a drug that would slow his heart beat. And it did. The rate dropped like a rock. John of course was feeling fine during all of this but the monitors showed there was a problem.

To be continued....

PCQ

Emails and Notes

2010-09-26T20:33:00.003-04:00

I receive so many kind emails and notes from friends and family. They do truly warm my heart and help me weather the struggles in pulling my wagon. Sometimes it seems the load is just too heavy, but something or someone comes along and the words of encouragement help me find the strength.

This is an email that I received this week about my Sisyphus blog posted on September 1, 2010. ( I have the blog posted below.) Several of you have used postings from my blog in Sunday School classes or Bible study, and that is really an honor. Maybe my journey will help others.

PCQ

To My Dear Friend Pat,

Thanks for the update and we are so glad to hear that John responded
positively yesterday. I trust that you are home now.

Please know that you and John are inspiring others in so many ways.

And, I must tell you that I shared your Sisyphus blog entry with my SS
class last week as we discussed how we deal with our own boulders.

Thank you for the ways you are ministering to others.

Sisyphus

Had a chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday and I'm tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Having cancer and all the accoutrements that go with it, just wear you out. It wears down your soul. I've lived with it for six years now, and especially for the last year, it has been difficult. Thousands of miles driving to and from the doctor and hospital. Visit after visit, procedure after procedure.

Having cancer is a little like the Greek myth of Sisyphus. Remember Sisyphus? The guy who had to roll a huge boulder up a hill each day, only to almost get to the top and have it roll back down again. So he had to do it all over again the next day. I think Sisyphus at least got to rest at night. When you have cancer, you have to keep rolling that boulder. If you stop or give up, it will roll back down over you.

Sisyphus was a bad guy. He deserved that whole thing with the boulder. He probably should have gotten worse punishment. So I've been wondering, can I tell someone that I learned my lesson? That I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to cause the cancer?

Of course I can't. Cancer is not punishment. It's an indiscriminate killer. Cancer doesn't care who you are or what you've done. It doesn't care if you're a good person, or bad. Or like most of us, a little of both. It doesn't care if your life is in shambles, if you are rich or poor....or if you've totally gotten your act together. It comes when it wants to. Maybe that's why it seems so cruel.

I would imagine that while Sisyphus was rolling that boulder up the hill each day, he thought about all the bad things he'd done. At least you'd hope he did. I think that most cancer patients think about the bad things the cancer has done.

But maybe I've got this all backwards. Maybe it's the cancer that's Sisyphus. Every day I get up and it has to start all over again. I hadn't thought of that before. I sort of like the idea.

I hope the cancer is getting tired and frustrated of pushing on me. I hope it's thinking about all the bad things it's done. Cause I'm going to make it work really hard to get me.

PCQ

UNC Cancer Center

2010-09-23T09:52:00.071-04:00

When I arrived at the hospital Tuesday morning around 7:45 to retrieve John, he was sitting there, bag packed, patting his foot ready to go. In no time, we were waving goodbye to everyone and thanking them for such good care. PCMH...in the rear view! YES!

After leaving Pitt Memorial, John was hungry, really hungry. Hospital food doesn't always fill the bill, so off we go to get breakfast. Bacon, cheese omelet, toast, pancakes, coffee, all the necessary goodies for a fine breakfast, and it was perfect, and so good to see him looking well and eating.

While having breakfast, our friend Jim, called. He had a friend, Betty, that worked at the UNC Cancer Center and she was going to help us. We exchanged numbers and headed home to Snow Hill to regroup, unfortunately, we were both pooped, and it was only 9 a.m.

We had rushed to make sure John was out of the hospital in time to make our appointment in Chapel Hill that day at 2 p.m. Luckily, everything had fallen in place so far and having a connection like Betty there to help us through the hospital maze would be the "cherry on top".

After dropping his bags, checking on a few work issues by phone, taking a shower and re-ragging (changing clothes), John sat down to rest a few minutes. I was bustling about, taking care of a few bills, getting information printed out for a meeting I had that night, and then the printer flashes an alert that it is OUT OF BLACK INK! Don't have time for this. About that same time, the driveway alarm dinged and the dogs started barking. I looked out the door, it was Martin, our pastor.

We welcomed him in and he and John sat down to talk. I excused myself to finish gathering the rest of our information for Chapel Hill. Soon it was time to go and after a sweet prayer and gentle hug from Martin, we readied ourselves for the trip.

Going for a second opinion seems simple, but it is not. The most difficult part is preparing yourself for what may be said. Everything has to be rehashed, retold, reviewed by someone you don't know. It's hard regurgitating dates and facts, especially when most of them, you want to and try to....forget.

When we looked around for an expert in lung cancer to offer a second opinion, several names were given, but one name came up several times, Dr. Mark Socinski, at the UNC Lineberger Cancer Center. Mind you, we told everyone, travel was not a problem, we would find a way to get there. But luckily, Dr. Socinsky, was close by. Well, around a hundred miles, but Chapel Hill seems like our back yard because we are so familiar with it. Our daughter, Lauren, received her undergraduate degree from UNC in 2002. And as we drove through the beautiful university campus toward the Cancer Center, we passed many places that brought back wonderful memories.

We arrived about 45 minutes early, chose the Valet Parking option and called Betty. Much to our surprise, she was out to meet us within ten seconds. We introduced ourselves and she escorted us in.

The Lineberger Cancer Center is an impressive facility. Not as impressive as the Mayo Clinic, but certainly nearing that level. Our tax money at work! Betty got us to our checkin point quickly and offered us a bowl of wonderful chicken vegetable soup with croutons which we accepted eagerly.

Shortly, we were face to face and talking with Dr. Mark Socinski, Associate Professor, Clinical Research in Hematology and Oncology at the University of North Carolina Lineberger Cancer Center. A well respected, well published, (and quite handsome) doctor that is a noted authority on lung cancer, especially the type John has. After a lengthy discussion about John's situation, Dr. Socinski gave us his opinion of what would be the best treatment. Since the first cocktail didn't work, John's oncologist, Dr. Lee, had laid out 3 new drugs. These were sifted from many options. Several options were taken off the table because, after genetic testing, they were shown to be ineffective for John. Of the three remaining drugs, Dr. Socinski endorsed two of them and agreed with what had been done to this point. He also offered his opinion for radiation and surgery and said, "If this next group of drugs does not work, please come back." He told us John is now in the system and there are new drugs in the pipeline that may be available soon. After listening to him and asking many questions, we thanked him, went by to tell Betty goodbye, and headed east.

Another long but productive day. Wagon wheels are hot....but still rolling.

PCQ

PCMH

2010-09-22T20:14:00.005-04:00

It's been another adventure. John started feeling bad late last Friday and when I saw him sit down outside Saturday night to cook our steak on the grill, I knew it was really bad.

When he came in, I said, "Do you want to go to the hospital tonight, or wait till morning?" The ER is never a fun place to be, but Saturday nights are usually more exciting and crowded. But, in thinking through the process, I remembered, East Carolina didn't have a home football game, they were playing at Virginia Tech, so that would certainly lower activity in the emergency area.

We had a wonderful dinner of steak, sweet potatoes, and salad, but it didn't appeal to John, he wasn't feeling well and only ate a few bites. I cleaned the dishes and John immediately went and laid down on the couch. In a few minutes, I joined him. "What's the plan?" I said.

"We'll go in the morning if I am not better," he said.

It was a fitful night for him...and me. He couldn't get comfortable and the coughing kept me awake. Sunday morning, he was not better and ready to get something done. John called his doctor and was told to head to the ER, so as we arrived at the emergency room around 10 that morning and after an X-Ray, we soon had the answer, fluid had collected under his left lung and was causing compression. It would have to be removed, but that wouldn't be done till Monday. So off to a room for the wait.

We did have a few fun moments in the ER, the daughter of friends from Person County, was on duty and she entertained us with her antics. So wonderful to see her grown up and a fine nurse.

Monday, John was wheeled out to ultrasound, where they located the best place to punch a hole in him and drain the annoying fluid. While still awake and wanting to watch what was being done, they removed 1.7 liters of fluid. He immediately felt better, but the doctor told him he would continue to breathe better as our lungs will start to grow together when fluid causes compression. Uhmmmm...never thought about that. So we wait for things to get back to normal.

The hospital stay was made much better with help from our friend, George, who works there, and, my red headed girlfriend Watusi. She was kind enough to bring lunch and sit with me while John was having the fluid removed.

We are so thankful that it was something that could be repaired. Now, our next challenge was to get checked out of the hospital first thing Tuesday morning so we can make our much anticipated appointment with Dr. Socinski in Chapel Hill.....the wagon keeps rollin'.

PCQ

#7 Chemo Treatment Today

2010-09-14T21:04:00.007-04:00

My life is ticking off in two week chemotherapy increments. At least every other week is easy to keep up with.

Today was the 7th chemo treatment on the new regime. Checked in at 9:15, checked out at 2:45. I had six treatments with the previous cocktail that did not work as anticipated. Thankfully, today, my blood numbers were normal, blood pressure still up a bit, and I had lost 1 1/2 lbs. We will have another scan after the 10th treatment.

I had lots of things I needed to talk with Dr. Mahajan about. He makes it easy for me and I do so appreciate his knowledge, compassion, and quiet caring demeanor.

So here's an update on my collateral damage, starting at the top. Repercussions from chemo for a lot of patients, are often worse than the disease. But it is the wagon we must bravely pull.

My hair continues to thin out. I know most people will not notice, and that is a good thing.

The chemo dries out my nose, eyes, mouth and throat. It even changes my voice and I sometimes sound like I have a cold. It gives me hiccups, too, and usually at the most inopportune times. The drugs attack cells that divide quickly. Unfortunately, that can be good cells along with the bad cancer cells, so it becomes a delicate balancing act. For the dry nose, I have ointment that I put on a Q-tip and gently swab the inside. So far that has helped.

For my mouth, lips, tongue, and throat which swell after treatment, and have tiny bumps and sometimes big bumps and sores, I use Magic Mouthwash. It is a compound mixed up at the pharmacy just for me, not all Magic Mouthwash is the same. So far, it has helped some, but sure not fun to use. The swelling and irritation in my mouth affects my taste. But, after the horrible reaction I had with the previous batch of drugs, this group seems like a cakewalk!

Oh yeah, and then there is the nausea. That is very inconsistent, and just when I think I have dodged the bullet, it will jump out and go "BOO"! I do have medication for that, just sometimes hard to keep it down when you are already having problems.

Moving on down to my chest, my port still gives me problems. The port is in the left side of my chest and that is how the chemotherapy is administered. The nurses plug me up using the port and the chemotherapy drugs are sent via the port to a main artery in my heart where they are quickly diluted. And yes, it hurts to get hooked up, so I have cream that I apply several hours before to numb the area around the port.

Not all chemo patients have to have a port, some, like John, have their chemo administered through their arm, just depends on the regimen whether you will need a pump. One of my meds must be administered over 46 hours. After the other drugs are given, I am fitted with the travel pump and sent home. So, every 90 seconds, it squishes out a dose of the drug. In quiet of the night, the sound of the pump is easily heard, constantly reminding me it is there, and why. It is about the size of a small purse, and I wear it around my waist. It makes for fitful sleep on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Plus, taking a bath is like doing the Hokey Pokey, cause the port site and pump can't get wet. When I lie down in the bed at night, pump in or out, the tube that runs under my skin from the port entry, up over my collarbone and down to my heart, pops up and looks like something from an alien attack. It initially scared me, thinking something was awry and I would have to have it removed and another put in. But, it seems, all is okay, the tube just kinks up, causes a little pain, and gets my attention when my body is in certain positions.

Seems I also have "white coat" syndrome. My blood pressure is always higher when I go to the doctor, but considering the life altering events I have encountered at the doctor's office, it is easy to understand. Like the old Mark Twain saying, "The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But, he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either." I'm always expecting a hot stove lid, and my blood pressure reflects it. And, one of the chemo drugs I take has the nasty side effect of raising blood pressure, so I monitor my pressure at home frequently, and most of the time, it is just slightly higher than my normal readings.

Well, I've made it almost half way down and will finish tomorrow. Tuckered out from my chemo treatment today. Unintended consequences. Collateral damage you know.

PCQ

Update on John

2010-09-09T17:18:00.000-04:00

John and I have gotten several phone calls recently asking for an update on our health, so today I will get you caught up on John.

Sorry I have been so inconsistent with my posts, but John's hospital adventure drained me physically and emotionally. It has taken time to get everything back in order after tossing it all in a (mental and physical) pile for later. All things considered, I think we are doing pretty good.

Told John the other day, some people spend their money on golf or fishing, we spend ours on doctors' appointments and prescriptions. And....thankful we are to have such good care.

John had a CT scan on Wednesday and will get the results from that next week. His weekly blood check was good and as requested by all of you...we are getting a second opinion. The name that surfaced from several people is actually in Chapel Hill at UNC. We will let you know how that goes.

Radiation may be an option for John and he is being referred to the same doctor that helped me. She will review his case and make a determination at that time. Guess that will work well with the second opinion also. So lots going on for him. He is still weak but gaining strength everyday. To have had major heart surgery just four weeks ago, and undergoing chemotherapy, I think he is doing fantastic! But I didn't expect any less. That's my John.

Wagon still rollin....

PCQ

Happy 90th Birthday Harold!

2010-09-08T16:10:00.002-04:00

Harold's birthday is today. He's a 1920 model, so today is a big birthday. I'm thinking that he will get more birthday wishes than I would even imagine receiving, cause Harold's special.

He is a UNC graduate, though that was interrupted by WWII. He loves to use that as a source of gentle irritation to John (and me), as we both went to NC State.

One of my favorite Harold stories occurred a few years ago when our daughter, Lauren, who also graduated from UNC, garnered a summer scholarship to travel in Europe. She was ever so excited telling us about the places she would go and the things she would see. Harold sat quietly and listened to her. After a bit, he said, "Lauren, I had the same opportunity when I was your age." Lauren looked at him quite surprised and said, "You got a free trip to Europe Harold?" Without missing a beat, he said, "I certainly did, and they were kind enough to give me a backpack and a rifle, too."

John and I are lucky enough to have Harold as a dear friend. When I look back, it is hard to tell when we realized we loved him so much. It just happened, and anyone that knows Harold can understand.....cause he is special.

Happy Birthday Harold!

PCQ

Interesting Info from Save the TaTas Website

2010-09-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2010

Thoughts on Michael Douglas and Cancer Treatment

Cancer is awful, obviously, but so is the treatment.

I really appreciate how Michael Douglas is being very open and honest about that. When I read this article today I felt for him.

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2010/09/01/wednesdays-intriguing-people-23/?hpt=T2

Radiation burning the mouth, not able to take solids. As if getting cancer isn't enough, you must endure this kind of pain.

Two years ago I participated in a day at Universal Studios as a volunteer guide for kids who had or had recovered from different kinds of cancers, mainly blood cancers. One of the 10 year olds was bubbling around as a ten year old girl would, so happy. I naively said to her mom, "Wow, she's recovered really well!" Her mom retorted, "She has the bones of a 70 year old woman. She has osteoperosis." I crumbled inside. I think that was the first day I put a face with the physical cost of treatment.

We are currently supporting a researcher who is studying how to stop and reverse tumor growth, how tumors get into the bone, and her research is also helping gain scientific knowledge about osteoperosis and breaking new ground in terms of finding new treatments. I believe I was drawn to this particular scientist because of the sweet 10 year old girl at Universal. I got it that day. I realized how damaging, while life saving, our current treatment options can be.

Sisyphus

2010-09-01T16:57:00.003-04:00

Had a chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday and I'm tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Having cancer and all the accoutrements that go with it, just wear you out. It wears down your soul. I've lived with it for six years now, and especially for the last year, it has been difficult. Thousands of miles driving to and from the doctor and hospital. Visit after visit, procedure after procedure.

Having cancer is a little like the Greek myth of Sisyphus. Remember Sisyphus? The guy who had to roll a huge boulder up a hill each day, only to almost get to the top and have it roll back down again. So he had to do it all over again the next day. I think Sisyphus at least got to rest at night. When you have cancer, you have to keep rolling that boulder. If you stop or give up, it will roll back down over you.

Sisyphus was a bad guy. He deserved that whole thing with the boulder. He probably should have gotten worse punishment. So I've been wondering, can I tell someone that I learned my lesson? That I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to cause the cancer?

Of course I can't. Cancer is not punishment. It's an indiscriminate killer. Cancer doesn't care who you are or what you've done. It doesn't care if you're a good person, or bad. Or like most of us, a little of both. It doesn't care if your life is in shambles, if you are rich or poor....or if you've totally gotten your act together. It comes when it wants to. Maybe that's why it seems so cruel.

I would imagine that while Sisyphus was rolling that boulder up the hill each day, he thought about all the bad things he'd done. At least you'd hope he did. I think that most cancer patients think about the bad things the cancer has done.

But maybe I've got this all backwards. Maybe it's the cancer that's Sisyphus. Every day I get up and it has to start all over again. I hadn't thought of that before. I sort of like the idea.

I hope the cancer is getting tired and frustrated of pushing on me. I hope it's thinking about all the bad things it's done. Cause I'm going to make it work really hard to get me.

PCQ

Continued - Breathing Tube Removed

2010-08-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

I was in and out of his room all afternoon. It seemed to agitate John when I came in and he was trying so hard talk and move. He was in that precarious stage, awake enough to know what was going on but with just enough pain meds to keep him sort of comfortable.

After one particularly difficult visit, I told the nurse I just didn't think I was being helpful with his recovery. She was so good to John and several of the nurses, breathing therapists, and P.A.s had formed a cheering team. They knew how much I wanted that tube out. The afternoon ticked by.

Thankfully, I had plenty of company outside to the waiting room. My friends from Raleigh, Dan and Denise had come for moral support. Annie had driven up from little Washington. We all sat together beside the large bank of windows, the sun streaming in, and caught up on each other. They all had been monitoring John's progress via the phone tree.

Anyone that has ever spent very much time in a hospital waiting room, can understand the mix of people and how you can almost get to know other families after an extended period of time, observing. There was no shortage of entertainment at the Heart Institute. We marveled at the food one family consumed while waiting together that day. Within the course of a few hours, we saw them devour 3 dozen Dunkin Donuts, a large box of Bojangles chicken, several boxes of Chinese food, a Taco Bell order, assorted frappes, fruit smoothies, tea and chips. We all sat in amazement watching them eat all the "comfort food". One of our group even mentioned we may need to call and get them another trash can for the empty boxes. We all agreed, we should be ashamed of ourselves for being so critical of their eating habits, but they were way too easy to target. And when you are holed up in a hospital, any entertainment will do.

With all the eating, my friends offered to take me out to eat or run out and get something for me. I had already told them I would not leave John's side until the decision was made about the breathing tube. Leslie and Denise went off in search of food. I went back to check on John. It was nearly 6 o'clock on Friday night. We didn't have much time left.

My cheering team was outside of his door. The nurse stopped me. "I really hate to ask you to do this, but we just got a good reading on his blood numbers and if you go in, it may get him excited again and skew his numbers. He needs to stay calm. We will wait about 30 minutes and take another specimen. If it is good too, we can take the tube out. We have everyone in place and ready but this will be the last chance tonight. The lab will confirm the results as soon as they have them," she said.

"Of course," I said. Everyone of them hugged me and sent me back out. I rushed into the waiting room and told everyone what the nurse had said. We all hugged and thanked God for all the good news.

Leslie and Denise came back with the food. I ate quickly expecting the nurse to come out any minute. It had been over 30 minutes. Okay...I will run to the bathroom, so when she comes out, I will be ready.

The minute I came back from the bathroom, they said, "The nurse just came to get you." My heart was beating one hundred miles a minute....and I rushed back to John's room.

"It's out!" she said, "and he's doing great." John was smiling ear to ear when I walked in. He was already talking and ordering people around. "You have just unleashed the BEAST," I said. Little did they know.

His P.A., Ms. Adams, no relation, but John immediately called her 'his people', starting giving him instructions on what HE was going to have to do to make sure the tube stayed out. She told him she didn't like to be reprimanded for taking a tube out too early, so he had to do his part. Breathe in through his nose, out through his mouth, cough frequently to get the mucous up, and do whatever the nurses told him to do or she would put it right back in. John looked at her and said, "Oh no you won't!" Ms. Adams got right in his face and said, "If you don't do what we have asked you to do and your numbers go down, I will put that tube right back in and there is nothing you can do about it, understand?" She got his attention.

He was parched, he wanted something to drink so very bad, but he could only have a few ice chips. Of course, that was better than nothing.

I rushed outside and told everyone he had the tube out and they all cheered. It was a little after 7:30 and it had been a long, long day. But a good one.

PCQ

Continued - Breathing Tube

2010-08-23T17:32:00.004-04:00

To be so tired, I didn't sleep that well. Kept waking up and thinking about John, hands tied, and enduring that horrible breathing tube and pain from the surgery. He had a 5+ inch cut just under his left breast with 11 staples. Sort of looked like a smiley face mouth. Then there was the drainage tube about the size of your finger coming out of a hole in his tummy. Though I knew he was being well cared for, he is nurse Stacey was a cracker Jack and I knew she had to be good to be there, I just wanted to be with him and make sure everything was being done to get that tube out as soon as possible.

So, about 5:30, I got up and started the day. The drive was uneventful and it looked like it was going to be another hot, humid day in eastern NC. I didn't make coffee at home, so I decided to stop at Starbuck's and pay an exorbitant amount for a good cup of coffee. And it was good.

Next stop, 4th floor Heart Institute. I went right in to be with John. His nurse said he had a good night. Now, I just needed to know what John had to do to have the breathing tube removed and when 'might' we expect that. She told me they would be taking blood samples periodically. Those samples would be sent to the lab and results automatically sent back via computer within 30 minutes. When he had two consecutive blood samples that met the requirements, the tube could be removed. It 'may' be done that day. If, by a certain time....say 7 p.m., if his numbers were still not good, then the decision would be made to do it the next day, which was Saturday.

Of course, it became my mission to make sure it was out that day. I could look at his face and see a grimace, he was not happy. After being with him for awhile, he started to awake. Every time his eyes would open, I could see distress. Almost a look of, what's going on? Where am I? So, with a smile on my face, I started explaining what had happened. The doctor had told me he was giving John something so he wouldn't remember all of this due to the distress associated with the breathing tube and I didn't want him being frightened because he didn't know what was going on.

He was pulling at his hands, not understanding why he couldn't move them. He wanted to be untied, but the nurse and I both explained again why he was unable to move his arms. After a while, I had to go out to the waiting room. It was just too stressful to stay for a long time.

While I was in the waiting room, my friends and family started coming and calling. I had cautioned everyone not to call, I would send out updates via text or email. It is just too hard to contact everyone every time something changed. It's not that I didn't want to call, I just had one main focus, look after my baby. My friends had readily taken on the phone tree role and would call or send out information. Those calls would trigger another group to be called. It worked.

Leslie, sweetheart daughter of my red headed girlfriend with blonde highlights, Watusi (a.k.a Paula) came. Leslie is a physical therapist and a great resource for me during all of this. Don't know what I would have done without her arm around my shoulders telling me how good I was doing.

Her mom was out of town attending a wedding and would be gone for another week. We had made the decision that we wouldn't tell Paula about John's situation and spoil her fun. Paula and her husband, Tony, were on a train ride up north, going to major league baseball games, visiting with old college roommates, and spending time with family she hadn't seen in some time. What could she do other than worry being so far away? Let her have fun, she would find out about all of this soon enough....and Paula would worry, lots....and we wanted her to have fun.

So, with Leslie in tow, I went back to see John. I needed Leslie's help, to look at him, check out the monitors, see all the things I may miss. Not that I didn't think everything was being done for him, I just needed assurance.

As soon as we walked in and spoke, John's eyes opened. The sedation was starting to wear off and he was becoming more alert. Being so tall, and having his head elevated, he had slipped down in the bed. Leslie looked at his feet. "His foot is pressed against the foot of the bed, we need to get him back up in the bed so the pressure doesn't damage the skin on his foot," she said. The nurse came in and Leslie told her he needed to be slid back up. She said she would call someone to help her, but Leslie told her she was a P.T. and could help. They lowered John's head so he was flat and grabbed the sheet under him on both sides, lifted him, and gently slid him back up. John didn't like it one bit but there wasn't much he could do. The alarms were going off again and he was agitated. But...his feet were back up in the bed now.

Leslie checked all the monitors and explained what each one indicated. Showed me where the time for each was noted and we looked at his medications. No antibiotics....that was good. After a few more minutes, we went out of the room.

Leslie had a friend who is a P.A. and was very familiar with this type of surgery and what was involved, so she was our "phone a friend". If we had any questions....phone a friend. She was ever so helpful and let us know what we could do to make sure the breathing tube was removed as soon as possible. I was making friends with all the people working with John and they were ever so admiring of his fortitude. On my next visit back with John, he was completely awake and smiled when I walked in. He was trying so hard to talk, but every time he tried it would start the beeping and alarms.

I got up close to the bed and rubbed his forehead. I said, "Listen to me Baby, you had surgery because you couldn't breathe, remember? The doctor took fluid from around your heart." He nodded his head and tried to talk again. "Don't try to talk, you have a breathing tube in your mouth and it will be there until your blood numbers are good enough for it to be removed. That's what we want today, okay?" He nodded again. The nurse was doing some things and had loosened the ties on his hands. I was ever so frightened he would inadvertently jerk out the tube. But the nurse said, "He has been really good about understanding he can't touch the breathing tube." Even with her assurance, I was still edgy. It would set us back so quickly if the tube was dislodged and he had to be sedated to have it put back in. He wanted something to drink, but she couldn't give him anything. All we could do was put those little wet swabs in his mouth and try to make it better. Though I don't think it helped very much.

John held his right hand up just above his stomach and made a waving motion. He was trying to tell me something. "What is it?" I said. He kept waving his hand...."Do you want something to write on?" He nodded his head, yes.

The nurse went to get a piece of paper and a marker. I grabbed a book to support the paper. He took the marker and tried to write but his hand was so unsteady, he was struggling to hold it still. Slowly but surely he wrote, "I LOVE YOU", and looked at me and smiled. The tears just welled up in my eyes and the nurse said, "That is so sweet". He tried to write more, but the magic marker was just too big for him to control very well, so we grabbed a pen.

Next he wrote, "How much liquid?" Referring to the liquid around his heart. "Almost two liters", I said. He had a look of surprise. I asked if he was in pain? He pointed at his chest and wrote, "I can't move." The nurse told him he could breathe, but the breathing tube was forcing his chest to fill and it would make him think he wasn't able to move his chest, but that was the way it was supposed to feel. Then he wrote, "Friday?" "Yes, it is Friday," I said.

He tried writing something again and I couldn't read it. He was getting weak and discouraged because his hands wouldn't cooperate. Then he pointed at the clock on the wall. I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me. "Do you want to know what time it is?" I said, "It's 2:30 on Friday." He shook he head no....and pointed at the clock again. I didn't know what he was trying to tell me, but then he took the pen and wrote, "Glasses". Bless his heart, he couldn't see. He was trying to tell me he needed his glasses to see the clock.

I had his glasses in my purse and quickly got them. But by that time, he was growing weary and had dozed out again. Wow....did he just do all those things? It was amazing he was able to write and tell me what he was thinking.

His nurse was taking another blood sample. The lab would notify her of the results, but it was unlikely the tube would be removed anytime soon.

To be continued....

PCQ

Continued - The Next Challenge

2010-08-22T21:01:00.001-04:00

John's nurse came out and told me I could go back to see him in a few minutes. They were getting him settled in the room and cleaning him up from surgery.

In about 15 minutes, she came to get me. Of course, I was apprehensive about going in, I had no idea what I would find. As she led me back to his room, she told me he had a breathing tube and was still sedated so he would probably not wake up when went in.

The rooms are spacious, beautiful and soothing in the Heart Institute. There are large windows, ceiling to floor, down one side of the room, a bank of cabinets and a sink for the nurses' stuff, floors that look like hardwood, two flat screen tvs, one for the patient and one for family, two large comfy chairs, one that reclines and one that will convert into a single bed. The bathroom is large enough for an entire family bath time and there is art on the walls.

Of course, all the monitors, machines, tubes, and people working on John quickly diverted my attention. John looked so peaceful lying in the bed. He had struggled so hard to breathe and now, there he was, resting comfortably. I looked at all the monitors. His heart rate was good, oxygen level good, blood pressure good, everything seemed to be okay. The nurse had cautioned me that he had the breathing tube. They are a necessary but terrible thing to endure. A tube was forced down John's throat into his bronchial tubes. The tube is held in place around his mouth by massive amounts of tape, allowing little movement of his head, mouth or tongue. Though he was breathing on his own, the breathing tube allows a machine to force the lungs to expand and fill with life saving oxygen. With the tube taped in place, you can't talk, swallow, drink, or do anything else while it is in. The body's gag reflex is so strong, you must be strongly medicated while the tube is in place so everything works and the patient isn't fighting the process. John's hands were tied to the bed also. It is necessary they said, when he starts to awake, his first reaction will be to get that tube out of his mouth, and that can't happen until his blood oxygen numbers are consistent. Once they are consistent, the tube will be removed, but until then, he will not be a happy boy. I knew all of this, my dad had surgery many years ago and he had the same thing. Just looking at John brought all those memories back to me. My dad was miserable the whole time and I knew John would be too.

I leaned over, touched his hand, kissed him and said, "Hey Baby." His eyes opened slightly and with that, instant distress. His face turned red and he chest heaved and he started trying to cough, but you can't cough with the breathing tube in. It is like coughing through a straw the nurse said. As his body struggled, the monitors started beeping and alarms were going off. In a few minutes, he settled back down and I just stood and looked at him. He still had lots of blood in and around his nose. I wanted to wash it off but the nurse was working on him and trying to get all the tubes and machines adjusted. I asked about his nose. "We tried to put a tube down his nose to get any food from his stomach. Since it was emergency surgery, there may have been undigested food and with the sedation any food left may cause an ulcer. We couldn't get it down his nose so it is beside the breathing tube," she said.

I stayed with him for awhile. "Are you going to spend the night?" the nurse asked. "No," I said, "I'll be going home and come back first thing tomorrow. What's the best time to be here in the morning?"

The receptionist had already told us they don't allow visitors to 'come and go' on shift changes. Nurses have to go over charts and it is best to either be in or out, but no coming or going during that time. And, my friend George had told me, "John will be looked after tonight, you go home and get some rest so you'll be fresh tomorrow." He was right, it was Thursday night and I hadn't had any sleep since Tuesday night. I was tired.

After a bit, I left. It was a lonely walk to my car. I was so tired I didn't think I could drive home, but the adrenaline lift from seeing John was okay, must have given me enough strength to make it home. Coming into an empty house and crawling into an empty bed was hard. So much had happened since I left. But, John was going to be okay. With that, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

To be continued....
PCQ

Continued - Dr. Moran

2010-08-21T21:09:00.007-04:00

The door opened and in walked Dr. Moran. He quickly introduced himself and asked which of us was Mrs. Adams. I shook his hand and then introduced John's sister Barbara, and my friend Joan.

He asked us to have a seat. My heart was beating really fast, the anticipation of what he might say had overruled my efforts to stay in control. I sat down and looked at him, the man that had hopefully, just saved my husband's life. He looked very confident and you would never know he had just performed major surgery. He turned to me and said, "Your husband is doing fine. I performed a thoracoscopic pericardial window and took almost two liters of fluid from around his heart. His blood pressure and heart rate have returned to normal. I don't know who named it a 'window', but what we do is just cut a hole so the fluid can be drained, so, it isn't really a 'window' but that is the name of the procedure. I did put a tube below the incision to drain any additional fluid. We will monitor the drainage for several days and when the fluid decreases, the tube will be removed. I will be giving him drugs that will cause him to be unable to remember all of this. Mrs. Adams, I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I have done hundreds of these operations and I have never seen anyone with his statistics that survived. He is one tough man. His body somehow compensated for what was going on with his heart. There was so much fluid around his heart it was unable to beat effectively and get oxygen through out his body, that is why he was struggling for every breath. His acidic levels were minus 17, the worst I have documented and the fact that he was still able to talk to me and understand what I was saying just prior to the surgery is almost a miracle. He should have been incoherent. His liver and kidneys had already started shutting down and he was within one hour of dying. When I go into the operating room, as the anesthesiologist is getting the patient ready, I normally check on things, make sure everything is in place and then begin surgery. I didn't have that luxury today, as soon as the mask was put on his face, I had a knife in his chest. We didn't have one second to lose. He must be a strong man, I don't know how his body managed with all that was going on. I know I have given you a lot of information, do you have any questions for me?"

All I heard was John was going to be okay. But my mind started racing, was there any damage done, when can we see him, questions, questions, questions? Dr. Moran answered all my questions, taking his time and making sure I understood. He was so calm and his bedside manner was excellent. He explained everything very well to me and was patient as I stumbled through the concerns I had.

"He will be moved to the 4th floor, the nurses there are very familiar with this surgery and are well equipped to take care of him. One of my assistants will be in few minutes to get an authorization to insert a main line into his heart. It will allow us to monitor his blood and give any medications he may need," he said. With that he stood up and once again asked if there were any more questions.

After he left, his words had been so calming and confident, it took a few minutes for it all to sink in. But then, we hugged each other, there were tears and we all squealed with delight....he was going to be okay. Now, we just had to hope and pray for no other complications or infection.

A few minutes later, Dr. Moran's assistant came to get authorization for the procedure. It would only take a few minutes he said, and once it was done, John would be moved to room 444 in the Heart Institute.

It had been a long day. It was nearly 6:00 p.m. and I couldn't wait to see John and just hold his hand.

To be continued....

PCQ

Continued - After Surgery

2010-08-20T22:22:00.003-04:00

The nurse got my cell phone number and told me someone would call as soon as the operation began.

"The waiting area for his surgery is on the fourth floor. Someone from the surgical team will call you and Dr. Moran will meet with you after it is over. Mr. Adams will stay in recovery for at least an hour. So, now would be a good time for you to get a little rest and maybe have lunch. I know you are exhausted." The nurses and care partners had been wonderful. Every way I turned, someone was trying to help me.

Several more friends had joined us now, and we decided to go downstairs and get a bite to eat in the Heart Institute Cafe. Food there is heart healthy and with all the windows and fancy furnishings, it made for a pleasant place to rest, lick my wounds, and get ready for the next round. George, our dear friend who works with the hospital, joined us too. Then, our preacher, Martin, came. Our circle of people who love John was growing and with everyone talking, saying prayers, and getting to know one another, it made the wait more tolerable for me.

George told us what a great heart surgeon and how well respected internationally, Dr. Moran was. In all the flurry of activities, I hadn't even had time to think about John having the best doctor there was. But George assured me, he was excellent.

We talked about the Heart Institute's state of the art operating rooms being the largest in the United States, our tax money at work. Seems Dr. Chitwood, the magnet who rallied to get the Heart Institute, a.k.a. "The Palace", built and successfully brought so many great people here to ECU, had a good friend in Texas that had the largest operating rooms in the USA. That was until this building was completed. When they designed the operating rooms here, they were six inches LARGER than the operating rooms in Texas. Six inches, but that was all it took to get bragging rights. I didn't care how big the rooms were, I was just thankful, the surgeon in charge of my baby, was considered one of the best.

After what seemed like forever, I got a call, the operation was finished and Dr. Moran would be waiting for me upstairs. I don't know if you have ever had a situation like this, you know there are so many things that could go wrong during surgery. Your heart wants to believe everything is okay and life will be good again. But....the reality of the situation keeps reminding you that maybe everything didn't go as it should and once that doctor walks in the room, your life may be changed forever. I was trying ever so hard not to fight demons that may or may not appear, but it was hard. I gathered up my things and with all my friends in tow, we headed toward the elevators.

When I arrived in the waiting area, I was greeted by one of Dr Moran's associates. Dr. Moran was changing out of his scrubs and he would meet me in the conference room in just a few minutes. I asked John's sister Barbara, and my dear friend, Joan, to come in with me. Sometimes, when there is so much information being given, an extra set of ears, can help make sure everything is heard and understood. I sat down in the chair just next to the one for Dr. Moran. Joan and Barbara were seated to my left. The room was paneled in wood and very well appointed. And, there were plenty of tissues, just in case. We sat there quietly, each in our own world of thought, praying John was okay.

The door opened and Dr. Moran came in.

To be continued....

PCQ

Continued - Into Surgery

2010-08-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

I was scared but relieved as they wheeled him away. One of the doctors said, "We will call you as soon as they begin the procedure."

It was meltdown time for me. No sleep, no food, questions about what was happening.....it all seemed to be spiraling out of control. What was I forgetting, what questions didn't I ask? What more should I or could I do?

We sat there quietly in the room for a few minutes. I felt like I had just gotten off a roller coaster ride and needed a bit of time to let my body return to a normal state. What do I do now?

"Mr. Adams probably will not be coming back to this room, so take your things with you. Dr. Moran is the lead surgeon and he always wants his patients down near the operating room. So John won't come back here, " the nurse said.

I set about gathering John's things, his shoes, belt, shorts, and put them in what I call his "Shula" bag. It's actually a white, (with assorted travel scars) L. L. Bean canvas bag with green handles, but there's a story behind it. When our youngest daughter, Lauren, graduated from high school at NC School of the Arts in Winston Salem, we stayed at the Hilton Hotel downtown. When we were packing that day for Winston Salem, he put his things in that same bag. As he was packing, I looked at him and said, "Why don't you use one of the good suitcases instead of that old bag?" "There's nothing wrong with this bag, it holds everything I need," he said. Whatever, it wasn't worth an argument, so we readied ourselves and headed to Winston Salem for graduation weekend.

The afternoon sun was spilling into the hotel and everything was beautiful. It just so happened there was also a huge Buick Open golf tournament that same weekend at Tanglewood Country Club, a wonderful facility just outside of town. There were welcome signs everywhere for all the celebrities they were expecting. We unloaded our car and John went to check us in. There was a line waiting to register, filled with famous people. Yogi Berra, Buck Owens, soap opera stars, every way I turned, I saw a face I recognized. I stood in amazement watching people while John got in line for a room. In a few minutes, I looked over at him smiling from ear to ear, he was standing behind NFL Hall of Fame and winningest coach in football history, Don Shula. John smiled and pointed at Shula's bag. Guess what Shula had his clothes in? An old tired L.L. Bean canvas bag, just like the one I had complained about. I never said anything else about that old bag, and it became known as the Shula bag.

To be continued.....

PCQ