November 2

It's been two years since John died.  Hard to believe.  During that period of time, I've had countless chemo treatments, surgery to remove a port that was giving me major pain and implant another, a tornado that did nearly $50K in damage to my home and killed my rooster, the shingles, Hurricane Irene...more damage, a thief steal from my farm, a thief to steal from my farm....again, sold the farm, moved all my "stuff" that wasn't stolen, off the farm, had a dog kill my sweet Holden, sold John's truck, replaced a heating/AC system, had major surgery. Leave anything out?  I'm sure I have.

Even with all of that happening, it seems like yesterday and I still think he should walk in the back door.  I can close my eyes and see the little crease he had in his ear that I always teased him about. Feel the roughness of his big hands.  Smell the deodorant he used.  Hear him walking down the hall.

When he came home, even though I knew it was him, I would yell, "Who is it?", and he would say, "Who do you want it to be?", and I would always yell, "ELVIS!"  His retort, "Then you are out of luck again....thank you very much!"  Little things like that didn't seem so endearing at the time, but they sure are good memories now.

He made me feel beautiful.  Once we were watching TV and a young model was on some program.  I looked at him and said, "If I was that beautiful I would walk around naked all the time."  He looked at me and said, "You are to me."  In his eyes I was beautiful, and I miss seeing those eyes.

John was a wonderful husband.  He wasn't emotionally needy. He was a great cook and loved to do it.  Didn't have any expensive hobbies. He was kind and I trusted him.  Could fix about anything. Was a good father.  Clothes were not important to him but he kept them picked up and neatly arranged.  Never complained. He was loud, but that made him easy to find. Didn't mind hard work. And all he asked for was a good steak and a little Jack Daniels on Saturday night.  Like I said, he was a wonderful husband and we sort of fit together like peas and carrots, as Forrest Gump would say.

I miss him so much.

PCQ

Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber

It started with a phone call from my friend, Lyn.  He was checking to see how I was doing since my surgery last spring.  Lyn and I have been friends for many years, but our bond grew stronger when he heeded my advice about a test.  Now it seems, he thinks I "saved his life", because I encouraged him to get a colonoscopy several years ago.  He had polyps and the doctor told him they could have developed into colon cancer, so he always joked with me about that.  "You saved me, Pat.  I would never have gone and had that done if you hadn't pushed me."

 I was thankful he went and especially thankful that it was in time.  Lyn's a good man and when he called that day, we talked about where we were in our lives now.  He's had a few setbacks since we last talked.  A wound that wouldn't heal on his leg, diabetes, just having a tough time.  "I was afraid I would lose my leg, and I probably would have if my cousin hadn't told me what to do," he said.  Seems his cousin is a doctor up north and stopped by to see him on a visit down south.  "You need to see a vascular surgeon and right away," he told him.  Lyn mentioned it to his doctor but they didn't seem to think it would be of any help, but he persisted and soon he was doing better, but the wound just wasn't healing.  So Lyn talked with his cousin again.  "Tell them to put you in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, that will do it," his cousin said.  So, Lyn followed his advice.  The wound healed.

That brings me back to his phone call.  I was telling him about my wound not healing.  After my surgery at Johns Hopkins in April, the wound split open and it has been an ongoing problem ever since.   Daily nurse visits to change the dressing, several visits back to Johns Hopkins to be checked.  A wound vac that I had been wearing for over a month to keep constant pressure on the wound to help circulation.  But it just wasn't helping.  My physician in Baltimore seemed to think it was from the radiation I had when I first found out about the tumor.  Radiation is the gift that keeps on giving.  It helped shrink the tumor and worked on the pain, but it also destroys the tissue and causes a lack of blood flow, so, the triangle that was always red and burned after I had radiation was the same place that split open.  Now I was dealing with it.

"Tell them to put you in the chamber, Pat. It will help," Lyn said.  I thanked him and put it on my mental list for the following Monday, when I would be seeing the doctor at the wound center.

I mentioned my conversation with Lyn to the nurse when I went in for my visit.  "Oh you're not illegible, you're not diabetic.  Insurance will only pay if you're diabetic," she said, and left the room.  As I waited for my doctor to come in, I was feeling very frustrated.  In walked Dr. Taft.  It was the first time I had seen him.  My previous physician had moved back to Minnesota and here we were, starting over with someone new.  "Pat, I've read over your notes, but I want you to tell me about your wound."  So, I gave him the 411 on my past history and how I had arrived at this point.  "And my doctor at Johns Hopkins seemed to think the wound isn't healing because of the radiation I had back in 2009," I said.  "I asked the nurse about the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, but she says I'm not eligible because I'm not diabetic."  Dr. Taft continued to look over his notes.  "Let me look at the wound," he said.  So I rolled over and let yet another person look at my butt. The surgery left a scar from midway my back to my butt.  And it split open just below my waist.  Bet I've had more people look at my butt in the past few months than most people do in a life time!

"Let me talk with my colleagues and see if they think the oxygen treatment will work for you," he said. "Radiation damage responds well to that treatment, so once we talk, I'll let you know."  He quickly left the room and I got dressed.

The phone rang a few days later.  It was the nurse.  I'd been approved for the treatment and would start the following week after we had jumped through all the insurance hoops.

I had my 17th treatment today.  Each session consists of 2 1/2 hrs in the chamber.  About 15 minutes taking me down to one atmosphere of pressure with pure oxygen, then after 30 minutes I have an air break and I breath regular air for 3 minutes.  Another 30 minutes and another air break, then at the end I come back up to regular pressure. The pressure stimulates the tissue to produce new blood vessels that feed the damaged tissue.  That's the good part.  But it also takes a toll on your ears and a doctor checks me each time for damaged ear drums.  So far, they done okay but I do have to keep clearing them to get the pressure equalized at the beginning and end.  The chamber's not so bad, I can see the tv and there's enough room to move around some.  Just can't take anything in with me, no glasses, lotions, deodorant, cream...nothing.  So it is a long time to be still, but, it is working.  My wound has gone from 9 cm deep to 3 cm. in just 3 weeks.  So I will continue this treatment till it has closed and hopefully, that will be soon.

Thanks Lyn...if you hadn't told me to ask, I don't know that I would be this far along in my healing.  So maybe we are even now.

PCQ

John Denver

I've been on a John Denver kick recently.  Don't know what really sparked me to want to listen to him again.  His music was popular when John and I were dating and first married.  I can remember being with John and listening to his music, and it brings back very good memories of those times.  So many of the songs were what most people called "vanilla", but I just thought they were good.  Good songs that made you happy and resonated inside me somehow.

Guess my John Denver favorite is Annie's Song.  That was the song John and I first danced to.  Still gives me chill bumps when I hear it on the radio.  Said he wrote it in 15 minutes on a ski  lift in Aspen. Maybe my daughter Lauren will dance to it when she gets married too.

Annie's Song

I remember reading about the separation from his wife, Annie.  Seems he got so mad he took a chain saw and in a fit of rage cut their bed in half.  He always seemed so mild mannered that it is hard to imagine him doing that.  Lover's pain I guess.  To have written such a beautiful song about her, there must have been a lot of love in his heart.  And a lot of pain, too.

Then there's Country Roads Take Me Home.  Can't think of West Virginia without chiming in on that song too.

Country Roads West VA

The link below has him singing Back Home Again at Farm Aid in 1985 with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  This one always gets me in the chorus..."fire softly burning, supper on the stove, and the light in your eyes that makes me warm".  Wow, he was a great American song writer ranking just after Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Frank Sinatra for songs sold.  Amazing, bet you didn't know that.

Back Home Again with Nitty Gritty Dirt Band at Farm Aid 1985

Rocky Mountain High....I've seen it raining fire in the sky.  Never hear that without remembering a night years ago when my John and I got a blanket and lay out by the pond on a dark August night and watched the Perseids meteor shower.  We saw it rain fire in the sky that night, just like John Denver.  Sure brings those images back when I hear him sing.

Rocky Mountain High

Never got to see him in concert and was sure sad when I heard he was killed in a plane crash off the California coast near Monterey in 1997. He was testing out a new plane he had just bought doing touch and goes, and apparently ran out of gas and while trying to switch gas tanks, inadvertently hit the rudder and could't recover before crashing.  Pilot error.  What a shame.

John and I went to California some years afterwards and we drove down from San Jose to Santa Cruz then down the coast to Monterey Bay where he died.  Couldn't help but be overcome with sadness when I looked out over the ocean.  Wonder what songs he still had in him.  He was only 53 when he died.

But I guess he really should have perished before then.  He was supposed to be the first civilian in space on the Challenger, but got knocked out of that spot by Christa McCauliffe.

There are so many of his songs that have become standards for all of us.  "Leaving on a Jet Plane", which he wrote and was made popular by Peter, Paul and Mary, seems to have a new meaning after he died in a crash.

And this is for Lauren.  Love it...hope she does too.
Peace

Calypso, Fly High, Sunshine on my Shoulders, I'm Sorry, Grandma's Feather Bed, This Old Guitar, so many wonderful songs.  You did us good John Denver.  I can't complain about a single one of those songs.  They made my life richer all around.

PCQ...

What a Birthday!

Wow it has been a great birthday.  Wonderful photos from my sweet daughter, Lauren, who is in England for an art installation and also celebrating the Queen's Jubilee.  Love this photo.  She also sent a  Conga line dance video titled, "Conga line dance for the Queen and the Porkchopqueen".  Is that great or what?

And thank you all for the phone calls, food, flowers, cards, videos, cake, ice cream, visits and love.

Even had a rainbow, a Queen's Parade and concert.  All for me.

And, I walked today.  Wasn't as far as I would have like to walk.  I'm still too weak from being flat on my back from the surgery.  But I did make a few laps and was able to get up without too much assistance.

So, it was a really good day for me.  And tomorrow will be even better.  I just know it will be.  Wagon still rolling.

PCQ

Johns Hopkins

During this journey, I have prayed the day would come that my cancer could be zapped, killed, removed, or just disappear.  Hopefully, if it is God's will, that day is here.  I will be having the first surgery this Friday at 12.  I couldn't pay all the money up front, so they are going to do part of it and wait till I can gather the rest of the money for the remaining surgery on Monday.  So, all you friends with fat pockets, send it on in.  Just kidding...

But...that is almost true. All of this is not for the faint of heart. Maybe I won't end up in the "poor house", as my daddy used to say.  But, the pockets will be a little lighter, and what choice do I have?  This is what I have been waiting for and now it is here.  Yes, there will be more collateral damage.  There's already been enough, and at times I have felt like my life was "death by a thousand cuts."  Every chemo and radiation treatment over the past 3 years took something away....but it also kept the cancer at bay.  No growth.  Didn't kill it, but it did not allow it to grow and spread.

So, after several prime pieces of the puzzle fell into place, I will have surgery at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore very soon.  And yes, it will be done by the very best.  The doctor even told me so.  "My team is number one in the United States", and with a smile added, "and most likely the world".  I like confidence, you know that.

Stay tuned.  This red wagon will be rolling  north up I-95 to find a gift I thought I would never receive.

Please say a prayer for all of us.  Every day is a blessing.

My love to you all....
PCQ

Reiki Treatment

It is very hard to explain how I felt during and after my first Reiki treatment.  But it was good.  Am I skeptical about this, yes, but I have always had a  healthy portion of that about a lot of things in life.  I don't think any of us go through life and just accept things because someone 'said so'.  We have to feel it.  Religion, love, so many things can't be easily explained, but we know they are there and have an effect on our life.

When I first heard about the Reiki experience from someone I trusted, I viewed it as...yeah right!  Surely, all they were saying couldn't be true.  But, what was it going to hurt?  It is not invasive and the only thing it could do would be lighten my purse. 

The next day, I had an appointment for help with neuropathy pain in my feet in hands.  While waiting, in walks the Reiki master.  I took that as a sign from above, so I made an appointment to see her later in the week.

As I said, it is hard to explain.  If you read my previous post about Reiki, you will just have to try it yourself.  But for me, it has been a very positive experience and has helped me reduce my need for certain meds I am taking.  And believe me, any time I can take one of those off my plate, it is a good day.

My Reiki master says I have "strong energy" and that is good.  She also told me I had four angels around me that were sending waves of love to me.  "They are like wisps of clouds surrounding you", she said, "and it is very unusual to see four, most people have two or three, four is very unique".  But I'll take it. Think I need four.  Need all the angels and love I can get.  Don't we all?  Like I said, been a different journey but I feel better.  And that's a very good thing.

Reiki angels in my wagon.

PCQ

Reiki

 Please read the information below about Reiki healing and I will tell you about my experience.  And I will say, it has been good.

PCQ

 

To give proper research credit, below is information about Reiki from the website, Reiki.org.

http://www.reiki.org/faq/whatisreiki.html

What is Reiki?

The International Center
for Reiki Training

A Brief Overview

Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

Find a Reiki practitioner/teacher in your area

Reiki Membership Association

The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words - Rei which means "God's Wisdom or the Higher Power" and Ki which is "life force energy". So Reiki is actually "spiritually guided life force energy."

A treatment feels like a wonderful glowing radiance that flows through and around you. Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation and feelings of peace, security and wellbeing. Many have reported miraculous results.

Reiki is a simple, natural and safe method of spiritual healing and self-improvement that everyone can use. It has been effective in helping virtually every known illness and malady and always creates a beneficial effect. It also works in conjunction with all other medical or therapeutic techniques to relieve side effects and promote recovery.

An amazingly simple technique to learn, the ability to use Reiki is not taught in the usual sense, but is transferred to the student during a Reiki class. This ability is passed on during an "attunement" given by a Reiki master and allows the student to tap into an unlimited supply of "life force energy" to improve one's health and enhance the quality of life.

Its use is not dependent on one's intellectual capacity or spiritual development and therefore is available to  everyone. It has been successfully taught to thousands of people of all ages and backgrounds.

While Reiki is spiritual in nature, it is not a religion. It has no dogma, and there is nothing you must believe in order to learn and use Reiki. In fact, Reiki is not dependent on belief at all and will work whether you believe in it or not. Because Reiki comes from God, many people find that using Reiki puts them more in touch with the experience of their religion rather than having only an intellectual concept of it.

While Reiki is not a religion, it is still important to live and act in a way that promotes harmony with others. Dr. Mikao Usui, the founder of the Reiki system of natural healing, recommended that one practice certain simple ethical ideals to promote peace and harmony, which are nearly universal across all cultures.

During a meditation several years after developing Reiki, Dr. Usui decided to add the Reiki Ideals to the practice of Reiki. The Ideals came in part from the five prinicples of the Meiji emperor of Japan whom Dr. Usui admired. The Ideals were developed to add spiritual balance to Usui Reiki. Their purpose is to help people realize that healing the spirit by consciously deciding to improve oneself is a necessary part of the Reiki healing experience. In order for the Reiki healing energies to have lasting results, the client must accept responsibility for her or his healing and take an active part in it. Therefore, the Usui system of Reiki is more than the use of the Reiki energy. It must also include an active commitment to improve oneself in order for it to be a complete system. The ideals are both guidelines for living a gracious life and virtues worthy of practice for their inherent value.

The secret art of inviting happiness
The miraculous medicine of all diseases
Just for today, do not anger
Do not worry and be filled with gratitude
Devote yourself to your work. Be kind to people.
Every morning and evening, join your hands in prayer.
Pray these words to your heart
and chant these words with your mouth
Usui Reiki Treatment for the improvement of body and mind
The founder , Usui Mikao

Update

 During my "journey", I have tried to embrace all elements of life that can promote healing.  At times, that has been very hard.  Seems as though I have just had way too many "rocks in the road", as John liked to say.

In the past 18 months, I have :

Watched my sweet husband be diagnosed and die from cancer

Undergo 50+ chemo treatments

Had 6+ MRIs and CT scans

Assorted X-rays, tests, and screenings

Leaking chemotherapy port which caused major pain and trauma (with ultimate removal and replacement) 

April 16th tornado that caused nearly $50K in damages to my house and destroyed so many of my beautiful trees, my neighbors' homes, a church, farms and crops, and our schools.

Hurricane Irene - more damage to my home and farm  and trees.

Had two very close friends have a cancer diagnosis, and undergo surgery and treatment thankfully, both will be okay

My brother-in-law Michael, seriously injured in a motorcycle accident (not his fault)

See my sweet Lab, Holden, be mauled and killed by a pit bull.

Had thieves steal thousands of dollars of equipment from my farm

Sell the farm and equipment we have owned for over 30 years - so many memories of the hard work John did everyday to provide for us

Start to lose feeling in my feet and hands (neuropathy) from the effects of long term chemotherapy and have damage to my mouth and teeth from dry mouth caused by chemo

 These are some of the bad things....thankfully, there have been so many more good things that have happened in my life.  If there hadn't been, I don't know how I would have survived.

As I stumbled through all these challenges, I have embraced my faith.  It has allowed me to find the strength to deal with all of this....and remarkably to remain fairly happy.  Don't get me wrong, there have been very dark days, but overall, my outlook remains bright.

Wagon still rolling....and seeking more ways to make life better.  More to come on that.

PCQ

I'm Back.....

Sorry to have bailed out on you for awhile.  Guess I just hit a wall with all that happened.  And when my pup Holden, was mauled and killed by a pit bull, guess it pushed my system into overload.

Just couldn't seem to get things going in the right direction.  After John's sudden death, I had to deal with his estate, then I had problems with my chemo port and after 4 months of horrid pain, I finally got the leaking port taken out and a new one put in.  At a cost of about $3000+ to me....not to mention pain and suffering.  Then there was that nasty tornado in April that nearly took my home and posted almost $50K in damages.  And my trees, it took my beautiful trees. Fast forward to hurricane season and hello Hurricane Irene.  More damage from water blown in crevices I didn't even know existed.  And what trees weren't damaged from the tornado, were pushed around by the hours of pounding rain and wind from Irene.  My chemo treatments continued to wreak havoc on my body, but I was managing.

Then Holden was killed.  It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Can't believe he wasn't bald cause he sure shed a lot of hair.

He was one lucky dog, and we were lucky to have him.

PCQ