Layers of Strength

I usually think of myself as a pretty hardy soul.  Most of us like to think of ourselves that way.  No one wants to feel vulnerable and unable to cope.  Looking at the job I have at work, it is pretty demanding and to be the best is a testimony to always doing everything perfectly and on time.  That was me.  Always finishing first.  If I didn't, then I considered it a failure.

But this cancer thing is different.  You have to be a REALLY hardy soul with lots of layers of strength to make it through from beginning to end in this stuff.

And there are so many layers of strength.  Sometimes I marvel at all the things I have been able to quietly tolerate and not yell, "You are going to do what?"

You have to find the first layer of strength just to absorb the body blow after being told you have cancer.  Do you know what that does to you?  It was always in the back of my mind that it may come back, but I did everything I was told to do.  The doctor told me my cancer was gone.  GONE!  N.E.D. (No Evidence of Disease in cancer speak)  But, in the back of my mind, I thought, it got in before, it can do it again.  Another layer of strength.

Then it's on to the world of treatments and scans and surgeries and medicines. Doesn't sound too bad till you are the one that is getting the treatments, scans, surgeries, and medicines.  Lots more layers needed there.  Thankfully, most of my scans and procedures have not been too invasive. Well, at least that is what I like to think, but actually, they've been kinda tough.  Getting a biopsy done by guiding a long needle down my spine to the tumor, having every doctor wanting to 'manipulate' the growth to check location.  OUCH!  Having the port put in was major and everyday when I look in the mirror, I see the scar.  Every time I shower, I feel the bump.  Just lifting my left arm a certain way will cause the port to shift and remind me that I have cancer and nothing is normal any more.

Just having all the procedures and going in for the reports takes another layer of strength.  You have to be ready for anything a doctor may say.  Another layer of strength.  There have been times when I was very proud of myself for maintaining my composure while the doctor went on and on about all the things going on in my body and what must be done.  Trying to remove myself from the picture, pretending we are talking about someone else.  Another layer of strength....but ultimately, you know, that scan they just flashed up on the screen.....is you. 

Your family/husband/friends need layers of strength too.  Call it protection.  They need a layer, actually an iron glove, to fit tightly around their hearts, because they take such a beating over time.  They have to find a layer of strength to watch as you go through countless procedures, just to live or stop the pain. I have seen that look in John's eyes, wishing he could do something to make it easier for me.  But he couldn't, I have to be the one.  Another layer of strength.



Like I said, this fight is not for the weak.  Lots and lots of layers upon layers of strength are needed to pull my wagon through all of this.


PCQ