Had a chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday and I'm tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Having cancer and all the accoutrements that go with it, just wear you out. It wears down your soul. I've lived with it for six years now, and especially for the last year, it has been difficult. Thousands of miles driving to and from the doctor and hospital. Visit after visit, procedure after procedure.
Having cancer is a little like the Greek myth of Sisyphus. Remember Sisyphus? The guy who had to roll a huge boulder up a hill each day, only to almost get to the top and have it roll back down again. So he had to do it all over again the next day. I think Sisyphus at least got to rest at night. When you have cancer, you have to keep rolling that boulder. If you stop or give up, it will roll back down over you.
Sisyphus was a bad guy. He deserved that whole thing with the boulder. He probably should have gotten worse punishment. So I've been wondering, can I tell someone that I learned my lesson? That I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to cause the cancer?
Of course I can't. Cancer is not punishment. It's an indiscriminate killer. Cancer doesn't care who you are or what you've done. It doesn't care if you're a good person, or bad. Or like most of us, a little of both. It doesn't care if your life is in shambles, if you are rich or poor....or if you've totally gotten your act together. It comes when it wants to. Maybe that's why it seems so cruel.
I would imagine that while Sisyphus was rolling that boulder up the hill each day, he thought about all the bad things he'd done. At least you'd hope he did. I think that most cancer patients think about the bad things the cancer has done.
But maybe I've got this all backwards. Maybe it's the cancer that's Sisyphus. Every day I get up and it has to start all over again. I hadn't thought of that before. I sort of like the idea.
I hope the cancer is getting tired and frustrated of pushing on me. I hope it's thinking about all the bad things it's done. Cause I'm going to make it work really hard to get me.
PCQ
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Life on and around the farm and anything else I find interesting or funny.
1 comment:
It has taken me 58 years to understand that it is not necessary to understand everything. BUT, I do not and never will understand cancer- why some have it, others don't, why treatment works for some and not others!! I do know that you and John CERTAINLY do not deserve this but I will never understand why this has been sent you way!
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