Glowing in the Dark

My first radiation treatment was Monday and it had already been a very long and stressful day. Didn't really need to add this to the list for the day, but that was where this wagon had to be pulled and will continue to be pulled for the next month every day.

Here's a photo of the machine....with me in it. It's sort of like being abducted by aliens. The lights go out, there are red laser beams all around and the machine starts to hum. The arms on each side align around you and it clicks and beeps and pulses and rotates. During the rotation around me, it stops and makes a loud noise as the radiation is dispensed. It stops in 5 different places ten times for around 30 seconds each time. I try to think good thoughts about it seeking and destroying but I know it also destroys good stuff too.

As I was leaving the radiation room today, the lady getting ready to go in looked very frightened. I smiled at her and said, "I left the light on for you." She gave me a vague smile and said, "I feel like I'm walking into the execution chamber."

Fire Ants and Doctors

Monday was a big, big day. I know you can empathize with me when I say my weekend was stressful anticipating what would be discussed...come Monday.

I hand delivered the MRI and X-Rays to Dr. Sharts on Friday and I wondered often if he had looked at them. Did he still think he could help me? Did he talk with his colleagues in Pittsburgh? I even worried about the G-20 Summit being there and the people he needed to speak with not being available because much of Pittsburgh was shutdown. It's the little things that can drive us crazy when we awake in the middle of the night.

First appointment was with Dr. Mahajan, my oncologist. He is always so pleasant and that sometimes gives me a false sense of security, that everything will be okay. We talked about the MRI I had on Friday and discussed other issues. Told him I had a phone message from Carolina Radiation when I returned home on Friday from having the MRI, stating my first radiation treatment was scheduled for Monday at 4, (that added more weekend stress). He wants the treatments to start soon. He also wants me to start chemo therapy in conjunction with the radiation treatments. He said this will do two things; it will kill rogue cancer cells and will also improve the results from the radiation. Another pull on the wagon.

My pain medication was low and I needed a new prescription. The medication that I am taking is a derivative of morphine, no refills are allowed and a new prescription must be written each time. The prescription cannot be faxed or called in, pharmacies can only fill with an original prescription, hand carried. And yes, that is a pain too.

Immediately following was the meeting with Dr. Sharts, a neurologist and clinical assistant professor at ECU. Dr. Sharts had reviewed the MRI results and talked it over with his colleagues. This is going to be very difficult. The growth has completely wrapped around one trunk of the sciatic nerve, the longest and widest nerve in the human body. (See diagram and you can click on the photo to make it larger to view the S2) The nerve has several branches coming through the bones in our sacrum going down our legs and controlling a number of important functions of our bodies. Am I lucky or what?

Dr. Sharts thinks he can save most of the nerve. The S2 vertebra most likely will not be saved as it is completely encapsulated by the growth. But there are no guarantees. The sciatic nerve controls; legs, feet, feeling, skin, bladder, bowels....is that enough or should I go on? Frightened yet? Well, you are just having to read this, it was me he was talking about. But, I digress, he feels confident he can perform the surgery, just needs to firm up the plan with Dr. Brillant. Dr. Brillant has to get everything out of the way (carefully too I might add) so Dr. Sharts can actually do the surgery. There will be an operation from the front and another from the back. Did I say this was going to be really, really difficult? Dr. Brillant will move stuff out of the way, Dr. Semer will remove all those unneeded female parts, and Dr. Sharts will work on the growth removal being ever so careful not to harm those sweet sciatic nerves. Another doctor will be called in to do the reconstructive surgery on the bones. Bone tissue will be used to repack the area that will be removed due to the nasty infestation.

Tired yet...I certainly was and I still had a radiation appointment and a school board meeting at 7 to chair.

More tomorrow....stay tuned. We still have radiation to talk about and I got stung by fire ants. I hate 'em.

MRIs - St Louis Arch - Claustrophobia

Went for my MRI today at 1:15. I had this procedure before but this time it was site specific. Took longer than expected. Didn't get out till after 3.

Getting the MRI brings on concerns of its own. Hence, the association with the St. Louis Gateway Arch in the title.

My daughter teaches at Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, and we are very proud of her. It is a fine school and they are very lucky to have her.

A few months back, while visiting, we decided to go up in the arch and take in the view. It was late in the day and we enjoyed the museum at the base and then queued up for our ride to the top. The arch was built in the 60s and quite a sight to behold, but to get to the top, you must ride in a little "pod car" that holds 5 people...very tightly. You get in the very small pod and the door closes and locks behind you. There is only one small window and after a bit, the pod shakes and you start the jerky slow ride to the top.

I never had any inkling that I might be claustrophobic until the door closed that day and I realized I couldn't get out till we arrived at the top. I started sweating, felt my stomach doing flips, and hard as I could tried to focus my thoughts on other things. After a longer time than I wanted, we reached the top and I was out...I could breath again.

The top of the arch had a small viewing area with tiny windows looking out over the mighty Mississippi and the city of St. Louis. The photo I posted shows Busch Stadium, home to the St. Louis Cardinals. As wonderful as the sunset and view was that day, all I could think about was....."I will have to get back in that POD to get out of here!" More sweating. After a few minutes we headed back down. Yes, I made it, but not without more sweat and very concentrated, focused thoughts and tightly closed eyes.

Arch?? Been there, done that....check that off the Bucket List! Hadn't thought much more about it till this summer, I was talking to a colleague and mentioned St. Louis. First thing he asked was, "did you go up in the arch?" I could tell by the way he asked, it might have been traumatic for him too. We both shared our stories, laughed and said, "Never again".

A few weeks later, sitting on the beach, the arch came up again, same thing....been there done that, won't do that again!

All of this brings me to the MRI. When I called to make the appointment, they asked if I was claustrophobic and may need medication. I told them I wasn't sure but I had a recent "episode" in the St. Louis Arch and it may be good to have something, just in case. The lady on the other end of the line said, "If you only knew how many people mentioned the St. Louis Arch". Anyway, I made it through the MRI, but it sure helped to have soothing jazz music, my eyes covered, and cool air blowing through.

Got copies of the MRI and X-Rays to take to Dr. Sharts for our Monday appointment. Glad that is over...been there done that, got the pictures!

Here's a photo of the POD....I mean MRI!

Party on the Porch #2

Wednesday afternoon late, Paula and Joan came over with lots of great food and a basketful of fun!

We cooked steak and shrimp on the grill and sampled a bottle of wine. Harold and George, Bobby and Amy, always wonderful to break bread with friends.

Pictures tell it all...well, most...doesn't tell how wonderful it was to have all the entertainment and activity around me for a few hours.

Thank you Paula and Joan for starting this party!

Questions on Pain

I have tried to give good updates on my walk down this road. It was my intention to keep you informed of the facts, maybe laugh with me and sometimes even cry with me. One thing I didn't want to do was complain.

Pain has been my constant companion, there with every beat of my heart. Sometimes more than other times, but always there. Tuesday must have been "Let's Call Pat Day", and I thank all of you that did. But first question from everyone, "how's the pain, you haven't mentioned it on the blog lately?"

Answer: The pain is still here. I guess as long as those nasty tentacles are wrapped around my sciatic nerve I will continue to have it. Is it better? I think so. Maybe it is from your prayers, maybe I have just gotten conditioned to it, or maybe I am managing the medications better, pick one or all.

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine the growth as a wet sponge that I take in my hand and squeeze tightly, mentally watching the fluid drip out and along with it the life blood of this growth. Other times, I imagine the pain as a brush fire and I mentally spray the hot flames with water till there is nothing but smoke rising. Does it help? I think so. At least it gives me a way to be in control for those few minutes.

Our minds are so powerful, why couldn't it work?

Words Have Power

I have gotten so many wonderful responses from all of you about my blog and updates. It is amazing how uplifting and comforting your words can be!

Thought you might enjoy the first one I read this morning from a dear friend. Started my day with a smile and hope it will do the same for you.

Keep them coming!

(this is an excerpt from her email)

I got a quote that you have already heard I am sure, but when I saw it... I thought of you:

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says,

"Oh Crap, she’s up!!!”

Dr. Sharts, My Knight in Shining Armor????

I put on my lucky horseshoe cufflinks today....What a refreshing day! Met with Dr. Michael Sharts, the neurosurgeon recommended by Dr. Brillant. Young and handsome, he entered dressed in a fine looking suit, a pair of GQ style glasses and looking confident.

After our initial introductions, I asked him about his connection with Pittsburgh as mentioned to us by Dr. Brillant last Friday. He said he spent 7 1/2 years there in residency with Univ. of Pittsburgh Med School, and lived near Squirrel Hill. He asked about our connection with Pittsburgh and I told him our daughter, Lauren, went to graduate school at Carnegie Mellon and we really enjoyed the city.

But down to business; Dr. Sharts said my growth was very, very rare. He had only seen a few during his entire career. Cancerous growths don't usually land there. They go to the liver or lymph nodes, not there. We talked about the risks involved. He said he could do the operation and mentioned the cyberknife at Pitt as being an option for this type of procedure. I will be getting a site specific MRI on Friday and I will hand deliver it to him. After his review, he plans to consult with his colleagues in Pittsburgh. I have another appointment with him next Monday. At that time, we will determine the plan. He was very adamant that we do what is best for me. If, after presenting the options, we decide to go somewhere else, he will be happy to help set that up.

After such a difficult meeting with Dr. Brillant last Friday, I have to say, today was a lifter. Last Friday, we didn't even know if he could do this type of operation. He said he could. Last Friday, we didn't know if he would do this type of operation. He said he would, if it was best for me. Those were good statements to me.

I had already been thinking of the time and money needed to get to another state for surgery. Being separated from my family and support group would certainly take a toll on the recovery time and I know that. So his words today were sweet. "I can do this...I can do this." Looks like maybe I can too....pour me a glass of red wine, waiter!

Wagon Load Got Bigger

Met with Dr. Patrick Brillant Friday. What a character! Tall and handsome and still wearing those cowboy boots. He is the surgeon that performed my colon surgery 5 years ago...exactly. He came in with his entourage (two interns) and we had a tough conversation. "This mass shouldn’t be here, just shouldn’t be here," he said. "The growth we took out 5 yrs ago was barely able to be called a cancer. But all of that doesn’t negate the fact that it is here and we have to deal with it."

Right now, the main concern: the mass is around the sciatic nerve, a very important part of our body. The biggest challenge is removing the mass with as little damage as possible to the nerve. First order of business will be to find a doctor willing to do such a delicate and dangerous operation. He immediately called one of his colleagues, Dr. Sharts, a neuro-otho???surgeon, that trained in Pittsburgh. University of Pittsburgh, I assume, as they have a fine, fine, medical school there. Not to mention a beautiful campus. It is right by Carnegie Mellon University, where Lauren went to graduate school.

Dr. Sharts asked that Brillant order a MRI specific to the region of the tumor and he would review it and decide if he would be willing and/or able to operate.

I asked if we should consider another hospital, Duke or Chapel Hill. Dr. Brillant didn’t seem to think they had anything any better than what Greenville has to offer and said if we need another hospital, he had very close contacts with the Mayo Clinic, where he trained and they were only a phone call away.

Dr. Brillant said the only good thing here is that we only have the one nasty mass, it is not in any other part of my body, hasn't invaded my liver or lymph nodes. If it were showing up in other places, then our only option would be to immediately begin chemo and radiation. With it being in one place, we do have another option...we can operate. Chemo and radiation may play a part in the process also, to possibly get any immature rogue cells that may be floating around in the blood stream. He didn’t want us to look back years later and second guess ourselves.

I have tried to prepare myself for this all along, but it is still hard to hear these things. But John and I are strong and we have so many good things in our favor. We will make it through all of this. Just have a bigger load in the wagon.

On a very good note; my pain has been more manageable recently. Prayers, love, meds...whatever, it is helping...and that is a good thing. Last night, I had the first (almost) full night's sleep in my bed, since July.

Life goes on. Got my fall scene started today. John and I went and "borrowed" some corn stalks from a neighbor. Pulled out all the old gourds we grew last year. Got a few bales of hay and put my "great pumpkin" on top. Looks grand!

Had a wonderful plate of BBQ for lunch with SWEET tea and divine hush puppies. John had Juan wash the Tahoe and farm truck while I listened to the ECU-UNC game. Got a steak out for dinner that will be cooked by an award winning chef... and heading out to pick a few vine ripe tomatoes for the salad.

Stay tuned.

Making Sauce and Enjoying a Friend

My friend, Linda Lucy, came to visit on Tuesday. I was certainly hoping she would spend the night but other commitments kept her on a short visit. Maybe next time. She arrived that morning and we caught up on all the happenings of her family since our last talk. John came in around lunch time and he had stopped and picked up fresh chicken salad from The Little Rocket in Farmville. They have the best chicken salad and with the fresh tomatoes from our garden and a new loaf of bread....lunch was divine!

After lunch, she helped me begin the making of spaghetti sauce. We cooked the hamburger and sweet Italian sausages, cut up and sauteed the red, yellow, and green peppers, garlic, mushrooms, and onions and added the wonderful tomatoes from our garden. We had already peeled, cooked and strained them so they were ready for the sauce. A few dashes of herbs and spices and it was ready to simmer. Wow it smelled so good.

While the sauce simmered, we walked around the farm. The Angus calves and their mothers were getting a drink of water and curiously followed us. Someone was at the horse barn loading a horse so we walked out to check on it. A walk around the pond and it was time for her to go.

As Linda was leaving I offered her a bowl of sauce to enjoy when she got home and she accepted graciously.

Our meal that night was wonderful and after we had cleaned the dishes the phone rang. It was Linda. She said the sauce was wonderful and even tasted better making it with a friend. I think that does make it better. Thanks Linda!

Next Pull on the Wagon

Took all morning just like they said. Most of the time spent was just getting me in the system, filling out paperwork that I have done over and over, getting another CT scan which is different from the previous one, getting me "marked" and set up for the actual treatment. Met with the nutritionist because the growth is so near my intestines I will probably have many problems with digestion etc. The farther I go down this road the more frightening it gets. Not a lot of happy people waiting there this morning for their treatment. I saw them looking at me like the new kid in school.

I really like Dr. Ballenger, she seems very competent and thorough. She attended NC State (we did a wolf howl together) then UNC medical school, and then on to Duke. She's also left handed which makes John happy....says left handed folks (which he is one) are either really smart or really stupid. Most of the time you can tell right away, thankfully!

She said I may have to go to UNC-CH for some of this due to location near the nerve. They have more resources there just in case. We will see.

Update - Trouble in Paradise

Update:

As many of you know I have been having medical problems since mid July. Here's the most recent information. I am also posting the emails on my blog and you can check it out there too.

http://porkchopqueen.blogspot.com/

Monday morning I met with Dr. Mahajan, my oncologist, the growth is malignant. The lab is still conducting tests on tissue samples taken last Friday to determine what kind of cancer. It appears to be in the bone and soft tissue surrounding the sciatica nerve in the pelvic area. Also met with Dr. Semer, OB-GYN surgeon. She suggested we take out my ovaries and uterus...any parts not needed, when the surgery is performed. Guess I won't be having any more babies!

Dr Mahajan also set me up to met with Dr Ballenger of Carolina Radiology for Wednesday morning at 7:45 to begin the process for potential radiation treatments to shrink the mass. They want to get it started ASAP and said the first visit would take most of the morning.

Meet with Dr. Brillant this coming Friday (surgeon who will handle procedure and also did my colon surgery 5 yrs ago) and again with Dr. Mahajan. Hopefully, they will have the complete test results by then. All doctors involved will meet next week to go over the plan.

This is all the current information. After initial contact with Carolina Radiation tomorrow....hopefully I will know more.

Thanks to everyone for visits, food (wine), cards, phone calls, emails, and prayers. We will get through this just have to pull a little harder on the wagon!

Love to all!

P

Trouble in Paradise

Been having some medical problems and much pain since mid July.

Dr says I have a growth near my sacrum bone (bone at the bottom of pelvis) pressing on my sciatica nerve. Growth appears to be about the size of the mouse you use with the computer. That is what is causing the pain. The MRI and CT scan didn't show anything else in other organs, only the one spot.... so that is very good. I had a PET scan Sept. 2nd, at PCMH. This scan will overlay the images from the x-rays, MRI and CT scans and bring it into better focus. I had an ultrasound guided (outpatient) biopsy today, Sept. 11. The biopsy will tell us what we are dealing with and how it must be treated. Dr. Robertson (Gastro dr) did a flexible sigmoidoscopy on Friday, Aug. 28th and that was clear, meaning no growth from the colon surgery I had 5 years ago. We keep narrowing down the list of nasty suspects. Dr has restricted me from work because the meds he is giving for the pain are very strong and therefore, I cannot drive/operate heavy machinery/or make big decisions when taking them and it made me want to tell customers what they could do with their loans!

I must have surgery to remove the growth, just don't know whether I will need radiation first to reduce the size. All of that will be determined after the results from the biopsy are completed.

I know this is a lot of information, that is why I thought it better to put it on my blog for you.

I am doing okay, just tired, and very worried. Can't sleep well at night because of the darn pain. I have a semi circular area with no feeling inside and down my right inside leg from the pressure on the nerve. Even with the "no feeling" it still HURTS from the pelvic bone down the leg with sharp pains, tingling and a very hard dull pain and can't sit on that side, so I am always leaning left like a NASCAR driver.

As hard as it will be for some of you to imagine...John has been a saint, taking me to all of my appts, cooking and getting groceries doing anything I need or ask. And always with a smile!

My past few weeks have been a blur, between all the doctors' appts., meds and tests. Trying to keep a very positive attitude and not fight any "monsters" until I know what and who they are!! Not anything anyone can do right now other than pray (especially for John)! Hopefully, we can get the treatment plan in place after the results from the biopsy are in. I will keep you updated.

Life is short...paddle faster.

Past Few Days

Past few days have been a lot of fun. My childhood friend and now adult partner in crime, Kay, came to visit. She initially was only going to spend Monday night and be on her way. Today is Thursday and I tearfully hugged her goodbye this afternoon.

What a fine time we have had. Cooked chickens on the grill, helped Harold Bailey celebrate his 89th birthday with a grand steak party at Ribeyes, laughed at John's fond memories of taking my mother out to see Boots Randolph's night club in Nashville TN in 1987.

I was tired and couldn't go, but John took Kay out to visit a sweet potato farm and processing center, hitch a ride with someone and they ran out of gas, she got asked by the potato workers if she was John's daughter--ha ha ha- what fun she had with that one!!, she had her first meal at Strickland Dail's (said she ate more than John did and is still talking about the biscuits and country style steak), she went out for a walk and got chased up a tree stump by 5 barking dogs, enjoyed an impromptu dinner (when friends brought it over for the sick and shut in) and "party on the porch" with John, Joan, Paula, Harold, and me...we got a pedicure, picked out 2 lbs of crab meat, and made all sorts of grand plans for the future! Wow....what fun. My friend Kay has been described as being like a "party in a box"....and I guess that is a great description of her.

Another Obit but not so sad!

Ruth E. Rencevicz (Sechrist)

Ruth E. Rencevicz, born Ruth Elizabeth Sechrist on August 28, 1927, passed away on September 7, 2008 due to complications resulting from her children making her old before her time.

(Ruth had a playful and irreverent outlook towards life, an attitude that she was fortunate enough to retain right up until the time of her death. This obituary is being written with that philosophy in mind. If you find this particular viewpoint offensive, then read no further. Instead, please take comfort in knowing that Ruth fought her leukemia courageously right up until the very end, and that she died peacefully in her sleep.)

Ruth passed away amongst the rich and famous in Greenwich, Conn. She is survived by brother, Clyde; sons, Wade, Bernard, Phil and Jon; daughters, Lisa and Sonya; grandchildren, Trevor, Grace, Casey and Sammy; an illegitimate child conceived when the circus was in town named Greg "The Donkey" King; her favorite dog, Lucy; and her favorite cat, Derrick.

Over the years, in addition to her regular jobs as a full-time mom and a switchboard operator at both Sears and BFG Federal Credit Union, Ruth also served her country as a covert spy for the Central Intelligence Agency, where during the Cold War she was largely responsible for the breakup of the Soviet Union near the end of the 20th century. At least, that's the way she told it.

Ruth was also very active as a volunteer with youth in her community in Tallmadge, Ohio, where she was known to selflessly give of her time by standing on her balcony yelling at kids for "playing that rap music" at all hours of the day and night. She also served as a mentor to young people by throwing rocks at teenagers dressed in loose baggy pants with their underwear exposed. She winged a couple of 'em pretty good, from what we understand.

Although born in Hammondsville, Ohio, Ruth enjoyed summering in Greenwich, Conn., where she loved drinking Fresca with Absolut Ruby Red vodka, and stalking Peter Jennings and Jack Black.

Ruth reported being abducted by aliens several times during her life, and we don't mean the good kind of aliens who come from outer space. We're talking about illegal immigrant aliens from Mexico and West Virginia. Oddly, Ruth never really complained much about these kidnappings.

Ruth was adamant that people use the occasion of her passing to remember and celebrate her life. In lieu of formal funeral proceedings or viewing hours, she requested that those who remember and cared about her share both a special memory and a drink in her honor. Preferably Bud Light Lime, or if that's not available, gasoline or floor wax.

Another Interesting but Sad Obit

Dolores Aguilar
1929 – Aug. 7, 2008

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.